how do i know if i love you?

14장

"Don't worry, I'll give her some pills." I hear someone say as I open my eyes. I see Jisu talking to the nurse.

"Will she be ok? Do you know what's wrong with her?" Jisu asks.

"When I became Chaerin's personal doctor, I was told that I shouldn't tell people without the permission of Chaerin." The doctor says looking down at her clipboard.

"T-tell her, I never have the right words to tell them." I say, it's time for them to know.

"Chaerin.. I can't. I don't know how to explain it either. I don't want you to loose your reputation." The doctor says placing down her clipboard. "I'll give you guys a minute."

Jisu takes a seat at the end of the room with the rest of the members. "Promise me," I start, "promise me that you will never leave me."

"Chae, why would we ever leave you?" Eunchae says looking at me seriously.

"Well, crap this is hard to explain." I mumble, "I hear voices in my head telling me to kill myself..."

"What?!?" Mihyeon yells. "Why didn't you tell us?!?"

"I thought you would hate me?" I mumble. "I've been suffering from schizophrenia before I met you guys."

"Schizophrenia?!?" Jisu yells. "Why did you not tell us! Is that why you don't know what you are doing half the time??"

"Please don't yell at me," I mumble "I'm sorry. It's controlled with heavy pills."

"I'm going to take a breather," Eunchae says standing up and walks out the door.

"Yeah, we should go too..." Mihyeon says disappointment in her voice. Mihyeon and Jisu walk through the door.

'I told you they didn't love you'. The voices say.

"Shut up. Please shut up!" I mumble. 'Pathetic, why don't you just end it all, you're obviously a terrible friend.'

"You're right, I'm a terrible friend. Everyone hates me." My brain goes foggy.

"Chae! Stop! You're going to make me pee!" Mihyeon says as I tickle her. "Haha, Stop it please!"

"Haha, I made dinner, your favourite." I say hugging her. "Come on."

"Chaerinnie, what are you doing?" Mirae asks as I stuff my mouth with bread.

"Eonni, I'm excited! We are going to be a K-pop group!" I say jumping up and down.

"We are still quite young though, what about our families? We still need to see them and our school education!" Mirae says grabbing a piece of meat from her plate.

"I never want to see my father again." I mumble.

"Chae! Chaerin! Stop it!" A voice says piercing through my soul. "Snap out of it! This isn't you."

"This isn't me? Than what is? I have no life. No friends or family." I mumble. "Who are you? You don't know me do you?"

"Chaerin! Stop! Don't take a step futher!" The voice screams.

A figure comes and pulls me backwards. I'm on the top of the hospital building, near the edge. The voices fading in the distance.

"Don't do it Chae..." The voice says from behind me. "I know how it feels, just don't do it."

"y-yoongi?" I mumble. Turning around, "Where am I?"

"It's ok, you're on the roof of the hospital." Yoongi says helping me stand upright.

"What, what was I about to do?" I question.

"I think, I think you were going to jump." He mumbles.

"Jump?!?" I say shocked at myself. Why would I do anything like that. "I'm fine. Haven't you heard? I'm mental."

"What do you mean?" Yoongi asks and I turn around.

"Haven't the others told you? I hear voices. I'm crazy." I say tears streaming down my face. "My father was a drunkard, he used to hit me after my mum ran off with my brother. He used to want to kill me."

"I'm sorry." He says.

"There's nothing to be sorry for." I say through tears. "I'm a mess, I've been trying to get through this for years. Remember when you took me to the hospital, that was part off my treatment, they give me sleeping pills."

I look up at the sky, "I have no idea what to do."

"Don't worry things will get better." He says wrapping his hands over my body comforting me. "Some one came to see you." He says hugging me.

"Who?" I ask.

"Close your eyes, open them when I tell you to open them." Yoongi says placing my hands over my eyes. I smile. He turns around and helps me walk across the roof.

"Open them." He says, I open my eyes to see a young man my age out of breathe.

"Chulmoo!" I yell running towards him. "I miss you so much!" I say as I hug him, he falls backwards.

"Chae, I thought I would never see you again, I was so worried." He starts, "I was so happy when I found out you were still alive, but then I found out you were here."

"I missed you so much, my whole childhood I waited for you to return. I didn't know what to do." I say wiping my eyes.

"Oh Chae, what did you do to yourself?" He says grabbing my wrist. "Why did you do this??"

"Chulmoo, please don't." I say pulling back my wrist.

"Let's just let it be, what's done is done." Yoongi says wrapping his hand over my shoulder. "It will be ok."

"Yeah.. ok." I mumble, looking up at Chulmoo. "Things are going to change, I believe it."

"I hope so, it will take some time, I understand how it's like." He say and I give him a confused look. "Mum's not as innocent as you think she is, turns out she had another lover, she was to concerned about herself to have anytime for me."

"W-what?" I question looking up at Chulmoo. "Mum was, was,?"

"Yes." Chulmoo says, "Schizophrenia is common in our family, Dad has it."

"Wait what?" I say. "Dad had schizophrenia? Like me?"

"And me, well I used to." He says. "I found love... Bua, she's helped me a lot." He says, "It looks like you've got yourself a nice looking guy."

I cough and look up at Yoongi, his face bright red. I could feel my face burning. "We- no- not- i don't- nope?" I stumble on my words. "I dunno."

"Come on. Just date." Chulmoo says walking away. "I'll be downstairs with the others."

"Chao-Xiang! I swear if you walk away I will personally-"

"Chao-Xing, Trust me he likes you and you like him! Date!" he yells out and I feel my face burn brightly.

"Umm, well- I- I don't-" I stumble, unsure what to say.

"Hmm, yeah.." He says rubbing the back of his neck. "What do you think?"

"I dunno, you heard him, your a good-looking guy." I mumble.

"Did I hear that correctly? I'm a good-looking guy?" He asks and I nod. "Aish."

He smiles at me widely and pulls me closer to him. My heart skips a beat as I look up at his face.

"What do you think?" he says hugging me tightly.