how do i know if i love you?

47장

"Chae? Are you alright?" Jisu says practically yelling into the phone. Yoongi had told her about the incident the other day. I feel my heart ache in my chest but I try and ignore it.

"I'm fine." I mumble, and how those words speak lies. I feel like I'm drowning, I don't know what to do. Any minute I feel like I could snap.

"Chae, I know you aren't fine. You had an attack, something must of triggered it. You can't be fine." Jisu says and I sigh to myself.

"I have to go now." I say softly, trying to get her to stop worrying. "I'll talk to you later. Bye." I quickly hang up the phone. No I'm not fine.

I throw my phone halfway across the room, it hits the wall with a loud bang and I collapse to my knees. I place my hands on my head and scream but nothing comes out.

Just when I thought things were finally getting better, It got worse again. I'm scared. I'm the scaredest I've ever been in my life.

There is a knock on the door and I wipe my eyes and quickly fix myself up. I open it to see Junghee standing there, her long black hair now tied up in a bun making her look professional.

"I have to take you to the doctor appointment now." Junghee says and I nod. I grab a random jumper on my bed, it's a Kumamon one. We quickly exit the apartment and Jinhee drives me to the hospital. The last time I went to this hospital was with Yoongi, when I had my last appoint. Again it eats away at me slowly.

We enter, careful not to be spotted by any fans, they wouldn't notice me with my new haircut and dispatch isn't allowed to say anything about my hospitqa11raal visits.

"Miss Kim." My usual doctor says and I stand up and follow her into a separate room. "So what happened? You rescheduled your appointment, some thing happened yes?"

I nod slowly and she sits down on her seat to hear me speak. "I uhh, I saw things, my head hurt and I fainted um in the bathroom. When I awoke I was struggling to breathe. I couldn't breathe, I didn't know what was happening around me. I was shaking."

She nods slowly. "It sounds like you had a panic attack. Do you know what could have triggered you?" She asks and I don't know what to do, or say. Yes I think I know what triggered it but, one wrong action, word will get me dead.

"Umm, it's confidential." I say quietly and she sighs and then shakes her head.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me what is wrong." She says and I sigh, I slowly look up her, she's right.

"I was worried about my brother, I have reason to believe that something might happen to him because of me." I say softly and she nods. She turns on her laptop and starts typing something, she prints off a sheet of paper and then rips it. She hands me the sheet of paper.

"I suggest you go see a Therapist. I'm only a doctor, I can't do anything to help with emotional pain." She says and I nod. I don't want to see a therapist.

She stands up and directs me to a seat. She places her hands on the side of my face and feel around and then she grabs her stethoscope and places it above my heart. She then checks my pulse by putting her fingers below my ear.

She sighs and stands back up. "When was the last time you had a full nights rest?" She asks, I sigh. I don't remember it must have been around a week now.

"A week?" I say and she nods slowly before typing on her laptop again.

"Well, we will cut out on the 'happy pill.' You still aren't getting any sleep so I'll prescribe sleeping pills." She says and I nod. "When was the last time you drank till you dropped?" She asks and I sigh.

"I um, I've been drinking a while this week, but not till I drop no." I say and she nods.

"Well, for two months don't drink a single drink. I want to know if that will help." She says and I nod. "Your heart is getting weaker."

She prints off a prescription and hands it to me. "When you speak to the lady at the counter, book the next visit for two months time."

I nod and she opens the door for me to leave. "I'll see you then." She says and I nod.

When I get to the front desk I book my appointment for two months time. I look down at the pieces of paper in my hand, I looks down at the therapist's number. I crunch it up and throw it in the bin as I walk out of the hospital.

My phone rings in my bag, I wasn't even aware that I had it on me. Junghee must of took it and packed it in my bag. I grab it out, Mihyeon is calling me.

"Unnie! I miss you! Are you coming back soon?" She exclaims as soon as I answer the call.

"I'll be back as soon as I can." I say quietly. I look up and walk to a bench.

"Are you okay Chae unnie? Yoongi said you had a pa-"

"I'm fine." I say cutting her off. I've been feeling like poop for the whole day, I hate it when some one asks if I'm ok.

"Oh, well that's good then." She says, her voice quiet. "Just remember I love you, we all do." I nod slowly and she says goodbye and she hangs up, I sigh and look out over the road.

It hurts, it hurts everywhere. I wipe tears from my eyes and before I know it I'm sobbing. I wipe the tears away with my hands but more just keep coming.

There's an ambulance that rushes into the emergency area, as it passes in front of me it gives off bad vibes. My tears stop and I watch the ambulance park. I stand up slowly, I take a glance at the ambulance before turning the other way.

Once I get to my apartment, I place my stuff down and strip my clothes off to have a shower. "They don't really care about you." A voice says, I know it's in my head so I try and ignore it. "You could easily end it right now."

"Shut up." I groan placing my hands on the side of my head. I turn the shower on and the water runs over me, but I don't feel any better. The water seems to make my burdens heavier.

"You have the right stuff to do it." The voice says and I shake my head. "No No I couldn't." I mumble.

I decide to skip dinner and attempt to go straight to bed. I check my phone and I realise I've had missed calls from an unknown number. There's a message and I click on it.

I drop my phone and it falls to the ground with a loud bang. My heart stops for a moment and then my breathing hitches. I place my hand on my chest and everything appears to disappear.

"No. Not again." I groan, the words barely come out and I doubt they were audiable. It's all my fault, I'm an idiot.

I look down at my hands to see them shaking. Why am I like this? How did I manage to become like this in less than a week?

After a while I finally catch my breath and I grab my bags and rush out the door. I see Jisu's car and I hop in it, I grab the keys to start the car and it starts with a rumble. I don't really know how to drive, I've never needed to.

It takes a while to get used to the peddle thingys that makes it drive but I rush off. I need to get there to see him. When I get there I park the car terriblely seeming I'm not a good driver. I rush in and straight pass the front desk, the message said were to go.

When I slam through the door, I pause. My brother lies there. Machines are attached to his body and he's covered in bandages. I rush to his side. He's unconscious and seems to be doing alright. The doctor tells me that he just came out of surgery and he should hopefully make it through the night. I thank him and drag a chair next to the bed. I lean down next to him, I feel tears threatening to break out.

I grab my phone and call Namjoon. He picks up and begins to ask what is wrong. "Namjoon. You have to get back here as soon as possible." I say cutting him off.

"Why. Did something happen? Are you alright." He asks, there it is again, are you alright.

"Chulmoo. Chulmoo was hit. He's in the hospital, please come. Namjoon-ah." I cry.

A/N
Didn't Chaerin tell her brother to keep away from cars on the road?