how do i know if i love you?

41장

I toss and I turn but I can't sleep. Yoongi sleeps soundlessly from beside me, I sit up and watch him sleep for a moment before I get out.

I stumble out of the room, I knocked a few things off the bed side table and I ran into the wall on the way out.

It's so dark that I can't see anything but I make it to my room and safely get in. I quickly sit down on the seat by my desk. I turn on my laptop and click onto naver.

I type in 'CM singing at concert'. As expected it comes up straight away. I find the original video and read the information about the video.

"I was going through my mum's old videos on her phone and I stumbled upon this video." I mumble, "That's odd how did they know it's me?"

"I remember attending this concert when I was 12, the young girl has a twin brother and her name is 'Kim Chao-Xing' or as her mother mentioned 'Chaerin'" I continue reading, "that's how" I mumble, there is a lot more information there but I click off and onto the video.

My mother just had a new album and father had finally let us attend because we were holidaying in China. My mother wears a tight red dress and her hair is light brown. She has freckles on her face and bright red lipstick. She performs on a small stage out in the open, something that was a rare thing in her career.

She stops singing and then she calls me up, I'm wearing a dress with pink flowers on it, I'm wearing a cap and track pants under my dress, something I did often. My hair is short and boyish, many people used to mistake me for a boy.

She introduces me by my Chinese name and then my Korean name. I look so happy when she hands me the mic. I fixed my cap up and took the microphone.

The music starts and I sing the song that my mother used to sing to me and Chao-Xiang before we go to bed, my mother had included it in her new album.

The crowd went wild when I started to sing, I can hear them saying that I was good in the crowd. I cringe and pause the video, I sound so childish and what was with that fashion!

I play the video again, I smile at it and I can feel tears running down my face. I look nervous on the stage to begin with but eventually began moving around the stage like my mother would, I really miss her.

My mother sings the backing vocals as I sing. I sing along silently to the video, I remember why I wanted to become a singer in the first place.

I pause the video and I wipe the tears streaming down my face. I feel a pair of arms wrapping around me. I look up to see Yoongi standing there, I must of woken him when I got out of the bed.

"That's me." I say pointing to the eight year old me. "My fashion was terrible back then and it's cringy, I look like a boy wearing a dress." I say trying to lighten the mood but it makes me cry more.

"It's going to be alright, I'm here." He says rubbing me slightly, he rest his chin on my shoulder. "You were a very pretty kid."

"I looked like a guy though." I mumble and I feel him smile on my shoulder.

"No, you looked pretty, you look beautiful now." He says an I smile softly, causing him to smile as well. "Is that lady your mother?" He asks and I feel my mood drop again.

"Yes, I miss her but I hate her deeply." I say and Yoongi questions why. "On the night of my tenth birthday, she took Chulmoo and left, she didn't say goodbye, she just left. She left me with my father, a cruel man and never came back. To this day I haven't heard a word from her."

He sighs and stands up, "Come on, you should get some rest, feel free to let it all out though, I promise I wont judge." He says holding out a hand for me and I grab it.