Why Have I Done This??? (Lams Oneshots)

Scars

A/N - *squeals* MY FIRST REQUEST!!! I REALLY HOPE I DID IT JUSTICE

Background Info - musical appearance, Alex has major depressive disorder brought on by all the trauma in his life.

Request made by @ HAMILtRaSh_0of

Alexander's POV

   Today is a particularly bad day. I'm not happy-I mean, I'm always unhappy. It's all fake smiles and light chuckles to be polite but John? Oh god. John Laurens is the only one who can make me smile and laugh for real. He lights up my world in the best way possible and I love him so much. We've been friends since freshman year, best friends, but I just can't seem to tell him. Tell him what? Oh-pfft. I'm just majorly depressed and suicidal. I carry a knife on me all the time just in case. I have cuts littering my arms and thighs and burn marks from cigarettes on my stomach. I just can't tell John. He'll leave me, just like my dad, my mom, my brother, my cousin. John's all I have left and today he was flirting with Martha Manning. I know he's gay and his dad is psycho Christian but I couldn't not hate myself. I couldn't not think how if maybe I looked better and I had a nicer personality he'd choose me. Maybe I'm just destined to die.

John's POV

   Alex isn't ok. He's been gloomy since I fake flirted with Martha. I'm worried about him but I know if I ask him he'll shut down. Right now we're in history and Adams is droning on. I'm not listening. I'm looking at Alex. He's staring at the board with tears in his eyes and shaking a little bit. He's fiddling with something in his pocket and biting his lip. I reached out and tugged on his jacket to get his attention. He looked over and I frowned. He smiled and looked away. After a few minutes he raised his hand and Adams stopped.
   "Mr. Hamilton?"
   "May I go to the restroom?"
   "Yes, sir." Alex nearly dashed out and I bounced my leg under my desk. Alex never goes to the bathroom during class unless he can't hold it. After a minute of loosing my mind my hand shot up. "Mr. Laurens?"
   "Can I go to the bathroom." You can see the difference between me and Alex.
   "Yes, sir." I dashed out and bolted to the nearest bathroom.
   "Alex?" Not there. I started to panic and I leaned against the sink. I looked at my reflection and stared at my freckles. I love Alex. I'm worried about him and if I have to search the entire earth...I will. I searched all the bathrooms and sighed when I got to the last one. It was all the way across the school and I slowly pushed the door open. I heard sobs and I darted in. "Alex?" Alex sat on the floor holding a knife to his chest and sobbing. His left arm was severely cut up and blooding a lot. "Alex-"
   "Go."
   "Alex, drop the knife."
   "You'll be better off without me."
   "No, I won't."
   "The world will still turn if I'm dead." He spat and I froze.
   "Don't you dare say that."
   "What?"
   "Don't you dare tell me that I wouldn't sob and hug your dead body. Don't you dare tell me that I wouldn't cry at your funeral. Don't you dare tell me that I wouldn't think about you everyday. Don't tell me I wouldn't think about killing myself just to see you face one more time. Just to see your smile and hear your laugh. Don't tell me that the world would stop turning because mine would." Alex stared at me and I smiled at him. "Give me the knife, Lexi."
   "No! Please. Just let me go." He whimpered, I knelt next to him and reached for the knife. He tried to keep it steady but resigned and let me take it away from him. I folded the knife and put it in my pocket. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He wailed and sobbed into his bloody hands, getting blood on his face. I picked him up bridal style and carried him to the biggest stall. I sat him in the corner and grabbed a shit ton of toilet paper. He kept his arm away from me and tried to run away. "No!" He whined.
   "Alex- Baby, please." We're super close so we're comfortable with nicknames and shit. Alex was still fighting me so I leaned forward and kissed his forehead. He stopped and I picked up his forearm. "Why do you do this to yourself, baby girl?" I gently dabbed the cuts and Alex hissed in pain. "Why would you try to kill yourself?"
   "I have nothing left to loose." I frowned and applied pressure to his wounds.
   "What do you mean?" Alex sniffed and shifted.
   "You know how I won't tell you about my past at all?"
   "Mhm."
   "And you never come to my house."
   "Mhm."
   "I-I don't have parents." I glanced at him and frowned.
   "What happened?"
   "When I was ten my father left. He walked out on my family. He said he couldn't have to bastard sons tarnishing his reputation." He waited a beat for me to react but I just applied more pressure. "Two years later my mom and I got sick. Like...really sick. I remember laying next to her and shaking and shivering. She told me she loved me and died hugging me." He sobbed.
   "Alex, I'm so sorry."
   "After my mom's death my brother, James, and I stayed real close. Then the hurricane struck. I got tossed around like a rag doll and severely scarred in my torso. After that I got majorly depressed and-" He started to sob and shake. "You're all I have left, John." I felt my heart explode and tears started to drip from my eyes. "I love you, John. I have since freshman year and it's eating me from the inside out. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep pretending I'm ok and encouraging you. I'm sorry."
   "Alex-"
   "I'm begging you. Please. I want to stay friends. You're all I have. Please don't leave like the others." He pleaded. "You're so amazing and beautiful. Your freckles and curly brown hair are adorable. I get lost in your green eyes and I need you. Please!"
   "I love you, Alex." I hummed calmly, Alex froze and stared at me.
   "What?"
   "I love you."
   "That's not funny, John."
   "I love you, Alexander Hamilton. That's why I won't let you go and that's why I'm sitting here, making sure you're ok." I brushed his hair back and he yelped when I applied too much pressure. "Sorry! I've gotta stop the bleeding." I sat down and pulled Alex into my lap. I kissed his cheek and spoiled enough pressure to stop the bleeding and make Alex kick his legs in pain. He whined and pushed his face into my neck.
   "John?"
   "Hm?"
   "Why did you flirt with Martha?"
   "Because I wanted to throw you off my scent." Alex giggled a bit and I chuckled. "Why didn't you tell me about your parents?"
   "Because you have your dad and I didn't wanna bitch about my problems when you've got much bigger ones."
   "Alex! Loosing your family is much bigger than being beaten for being gay!" I exclaimed.
   "I'm sorry."
   "You're adorable and I love you." I kissed his cheek and Alex moved fast. Suddenly his lips were on mine and I melted into the kiss. I've dreamed of this since freshman year and being seniors...it took too long. Alex pulled away and grinned. "What was that?" I chuckled.
   "I think it was the delirium." Alex hummed and just like that he fell limp. He was still awake but barely. I picked him up bridal style and sighed.
   "I think it's time to get you to the nurse's office."
   "Hey, Jack?"
   "Hm?" I headed out into the hall and Alex grabbed fistfuls of my shirt.
   "You're strong." Alex slurred, I chuckled and looked down at him.
   "Yes, I am." I laughed.
   "Sexy." I blushed, Alex was starting to get really delirious and I was getting worried.
   "It's ok. You're gonna be ok. I love you." I nearly kicked down the door to the nurse's office just as Alex lost consciousness. "I NEED HELP!"

Alexander's POV

   My eyes fluttered open only to be attacked by fluorescent lights. My arm stung and my head hurt. I blinked and glanced around. I was in the nurse's office and my head was in someone's lap. They were talking aimlessly and I tried to sit up.
   "No, no, no. Take it easy, baby girl." John's freckled face focused and I smiled.
   "Please tell me that wasn't a dream?" I croaked, John chuckled and played with my hair.
   "I love you, Alex."
   "Yay!" I hummed, John laughed and cupped my cheeks. "I love you."
   "Are you still delirious?"
   "Nah, I don't thing so."
   "Then can I get a non-delirious kiss?" John grinned, I nodded and he bent over. I've waited for this since freshman year and I'm living my best life. "Hey, we've gotta go talk to Washington."
   "The principal?!"
   "Yeah."
   "Why?"
   "Because you cut yourself and tried to commit suicide, Alex. You need help, baby girl." I started to tear up and John brushes my cheeks with his thumbs. "We're gonna make you better, ok?"
   "You'll be with me, right?"
   "Every step of the way."
   "John?" I shifted and bit my lip. "I don't just...cut."
   "What?" John frowned, he was new to this whole depression thing. I fell in love with John because he's just a ray of sunshine and he lit up my whole world. "What else do you do?"
   "I burn myself."
   "What!" John started looking at my arms and I sighed.
   "On my stomach." John pulled up my shirt and gasped. He stared at the many burn marks and scars on my torso. "Oh, baby." John traced my scars and brushed my burn marks. "Why and how?"
   "Because I deserve it and cigarettes."
   "Cigarettes! Alexander!" I winced at the use of my full name and John sighed. "Do you smoke them?!"
   "No, I just use them to burn myself."
   "You're getting rid of them and the knife."
   "But John-"
   "No buts. I love you and I will not have you hurting yourself."
   "I deserve it!" I reasoned.
   "You know what you deserve?"
   "Death?"
   "Love. Lots of it. All the love I can provide and let me tell you that's a lot." John bent down and kissed me again. "C'mon. Let's go."

   "Alexander!" Washington smiled, John helped me sit down and I kept my head down. "Son-"
   "Don't call me son." John squeezed my hand and I took a breath.
   "Alexander, John told me what you did and we'd like to help you. We can't help you unless you want help. John has made it very clear that you need to live. Now we can send you to a real therapist or the school counselor. You'd have session once a week and John would be with you for support." Washington leaned forward and smiled. "You just need to be open to help."
   "Lexi, please?" I looked in John's green eyes and swallowed hard.
   "Ok. I need help." John beamed and kissed my cheek. Washington smiled and we started discussing therapy. I could barely pay attention. I finally had the most beautiful man on the earth. Today was a particularly good day.

A/N - HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY YALL 🎇🎆🎇🎆🎇🎆🎇🎆🎇🎆🎇🎆🎇🎆🎇🎆🎇🎆🎇