The Finder That Couldn't Be Found

Chapter 72: Too Bright

She opened her eyes. It was bright. Too bright. Groaning, Logan rolled over. Then it hit her. Her eyes flung open and she looked around. She was in the Hospital Wing, back at Hogwarts. The room was empty except for her and Newt, who watched her from across the room.

"I know you have many questions." Newt said, "And I will answer as many as I can."

Tears sprung to Logan's eyes. This was her fault. She should've insisted that they didn't go on the mission after she thought she saw that Death Eater. Maybe then they wouldn't be- no, she couldn't even think of it.

"Dumbledore-" Newt began.

She froze. Dumbledore. This was his fault. He should've taken more precautions. He should've made sure it was safe.

The room seemed to start spinning. Her vision slowly began to slip away.

"Logan!" Newt hurried over to her side, "Logan, I know it's hard, but you've got to try not to loose control again."

"Dumbledore." She whispered, but in the deadly silent room, she might as well have yelled it.

"He tried his best, he-"

Logan pushed Newt away.

"Don't." She said.

He looked at her, sadness in his eyes.

"... an Auror found you... laying in the rubble of a house. When Dumbledore found out what happened, he made sure you were taken to Hogwarts and not St. Mungo's... Voldemort knows what you did... Logan, you're safe here at Hogwarts, you-"

"Am I supposed to be thankful or something?" Logan asked bitterly.

Newt's mouth opened and closed.

"Am I supposed to hail him as some kind of hero?"

"Logan-"

"If it weren't for him, they would-" Her voice broke off.

Tears stung at the corners of her eyes. She slowly felt herself loosing control again.

"Logan, I know it's hard, it's so, so hard." Newt said, "But please hold on. Don't lose yourself."

She tried to take deep breathes through her tears.

In.

They were gone.

Out.

They were dead.

In.

Fabian.

Out.

Gideon.

In.

Enna.

Out.

Gone.

"Tell me it wasn't real." Logan sobbed.

Newt watched her, a hurtful pang in his heart.

"Tell me it was a bad dream."

"Logan..." he said.

And that's when it hit her. She knew what happened, but it just occurred to her that she would never see the bright blue eyes of Enna Davis ever again. And it broke her.

Her breathing turned ragged.

"Logan, please!" Newt begged, "The Ministry wants to lock you up, they saw the Death Eaters after the obscurial attacked!"

"Dead." Logan guessed, but deep down, she knew it was the truth.

"Seven dead." Newt confirmed, nodding.

"They deserved it." Logan said slowly before picking up, "They all deserved it. Everyone deserves it! I deserve it!"

She fell back onto the bed and began to cry into her pillow.

"No..." Newt protested, "Logan this isn't your fault. This is-"

"I was wrong." She whispered, "It was not Dumbledore... it was me."

She closed her eyes. It was bright. Too bright.

Logan must've cried herself to sleep, because when she opened her eyes again, Newt was gone. She sat up. Her throat was raw and dry. Next to her, on her bedside table was a glass of water. She drank it, but her head was still pounding. Or was that her heart? She couldn't tell.

Her wand was placed on the table next to her so she picked it up and held it in her hands. She felt the smoothly carved texture of it. Shakily, she tried to stand up. Logan fell, legs collapsing under her. A sound escaped her mouth, one of pure anguish.

She tried to stand again. Holding onto the bed and pulling herself up, this time she succeeded. Walking was difficult. She kept wobbling, but holding onto the wall, she managed to make it out of the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey wasn't there to yell at her. She probably wasn't even allowed into the hospital wing while Logan was in there.

Dangerous. She was dangerous. That's what Newt didn't say, but she knew it was true. While walking down the hallway, she only encountered another person once. It was Ursula, the young Ravenclaw student she had met all those days ago. Back when her head didn't pound and her eyes didn't ache.

Ursula looked up at her and Logan saw it. The fear in her eyes. Logan didn't attempt to say anything, but even if she wanted to, she wouldn't have had the chance, seeing how Ursula hurried away as fast as she could. Logan swallowed. Good. She should be afraid. Logan was a monster.

She found herself outside, eventually. She sat down on the sand next to the Black Lake. Everything hurt. She glanced over at the water. Suddenly she wondered how long it would take her to drown. Would it hurt? She thought it might. But then again, they were probably hurting before they- before it happened. They probably felt the greatest pain they had in their lives before their vision faded black. And it was her fault.

Logan wanted to cry, but suddenly she was unable to. It was like her eyes went completely dry. She felt horrible, she needed to cry, shouldn't she be crying? Why wasn't she crying? Confused and worn out, Logan laid down on the sand next to the lake. She looked up at the sky and blinked. There was a heaviness in her heart that she knew would never be lifted. Maybe it would fade a little, with time, but it would never go away, not completely. No, this horrible ache would be something she carried with her for the rest of her life. Speaking of which, what was she doing? She knew she was laying down by the lake, but what was she doing? How could she lay there, staring at the sky when they would never see the sky again? When they would never laugh again? Fabian and Gideon were always laughing and- god, she would never hear their laughter again.

She closed her eyes. It was too much. It was too, too much, it was all too much. Far away, she could hear footsteps approaching her quickly. Someone said her name frantically. Reluctantly she opened her eyes. Remus.

"Logan. Logan. Logan." That was all he said, just her name over and over again.

He looked awful, like he had been crying. There were dark cut under his eyes too, as if he spent the whole night awake, laying in misery.

She wanted to move. She wanted to tell him it was her fault. She wanted to tell him that she was a monster, she wanted to pull away. But she wanted to comfort him even more.

It took all her strength to open her hand. He seemed to know what she was thinking, because he took her hand and held it. Then Remus laid down next to her. And they just laid there, finding some kind of comfort in the other's presence. And they just laid there. They just laid there.