Love.That One Word.

Chapter 48- Gwen.

Hindi parin ako makapaniwala ngayon sa aking nasaksihan. Aaminin kong bilib na bilib na ako kay Jasper. Hindi na siya duwag, at natutunan na niyang maging sincere at hindi ko lubos akalain na mas pinili niya paring magmahal againts sa mga rejection ni Ellaine sa kanya.

Ika nga ni Jasper. "Oo nga't takot kang ipagkatiwala ulit ang puso mo ng buo kasi takot ka ng masaktan ulit. Pero hindi mo rin ulit mararanasan ang pakiramdam ng totoong kasiyahan sa pagmamahal at kung may nagmamahal sa'yo. "

For so long, I lied to myself.

Lagi kong idinedeny ang nararamdaman ko dahil natatakot akong masaktang muli. Yung mga signs na lagi ko siyang naiisip, na ayaw ko siyang saktan at yung mga pagkakataon na bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko pag kasama ko si Mark. I deny it allㅡall along.

Meron ang kasabihan na "If you aren’t willing to have it, you already have it. If you aren’t willing to feel it, you already feel it."

Sa una hindi ko gaanong nagegets dahil medyo wierd yung kasabihan. Pero I understand na. There's something that I already have na hindi ako willing tanggapinㅡwhich is ang takot ko. And there is something na ayoko ulit maramdaman dahil naranasan ko na datiㅡwhich is ang masaktan.

In short takot ulit akong masaktan. Kaya iniwasan ko ang nararamdaman ko kay Mark.

Avoiding unpleasant experiences in our life is a natural part of being a human.

When we have hunger pangs, we eat. When we touch a hot stove, we pull back our hand. When we have an ache in our back, we adjust our posture. When we fear for our life, we run.

Avoiding is probably the most important skill that we have! For most of us, these small acts of avoidance may feel good in the short term and might even give us a sense of relief. But the more we try and avoid our thoughts and feelings, the larger they tend to get!

Then you'll explodeㅡhindi mo na kayang pigilan pa.

And I don't know what to do right now. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.

"Oh Gwen..." Tumingin ako sa naglalakad na si Krystal. "Mukhang problemado ka ata?" Tanong pa nito. Naupo ako sa malapit na bench sa kinaroroonan namin at sumunod rin siya.

"I'm just confused." Sagot ko sa tanong niya kanina.

"Love life ba iyan sis?" Tanong ulit nito. Napatango nalang ako. Tumingin ito sa kalangitan. "Ano ba para sa'yo ang love?"

Tumingin rin ako sa mga ulap. Then naalala ko ang sinagot ko noon sa spin the bottle namin doon sa roof top. "Love? Well, love for me is something that is full of mystery. Sometimes it makes someone's life perfect, but sometimes it makes someone's life miserable. Love may seems fine but it also causes damage to a lot of people. For short, love hurts."

"Wow, that does sound tough. Love hurts huh? But that's the thing...having ups and downs in a relationships is totally normal. Hindi gaya ng fairytales na palaging happy ending. But what these stories don’t show is what happens AFTER you ride off into the sunset. And let me tell you, it’s not always pretty. I have to admit…there’s nothing quite like a fairy tail ending."

Tumawa ako sa sinabi niya. Kasi naman totoo naman ang lahat ng iyon.

Pero...

"To be honest, I don’t really know if there is a perfect answer to the question of what love really is..." sabi ko. Nakita ko naman siyang tumango tango.

Oo nga't ano nga ba ang love? Lahat ng tao ay may iba't ibang perception pagdating sa salitang pag-ibig base sa naranasan nila o nararanasan.

"I've heard that love can be a powerful, glorious, and deeply meaningful feeling. I've also heard that love can also be a painful, difficult, and downright insufferable feeling. But Love is not the problem because we are. Because we control our life and decisionㅡdepende lang talaga sa tao kung paano niya i-handle."