4:44pm
I'm trying my best to stay alive.
It pains me that another month has gone by. Time goes unbelievably slow without Mark here.
Like I can count ever millisecond of a second. Pain achingly slow.
Every day is the same.
Wake up. Cry. Eat. Cry. Work. Cry. Come home and stare at my ceiling and cry.
I cry more than I do anything. I can't tell if my tears are from the loss of Mark or from my own sadness.
Maybe both.
My eyes can't take anymore tears. Nor can my brain.
My insomnia is the worst it's ever been. Doctors have given me four types of sleeping pills. They've all failed.
Alongside my aching heart, my head pounds every day, my eyes are heavier than steel and my body is weaker than ever.
Dr. Choi told me if I don't get some sleep soon, I might die. I'm trying to sleep. The damn sleep just won't come to me.
Now that I think about it, Mark made me sleep. That time when I couldn't sleep for months, the first time Mark held me in his arms, I slept. I slept like a baby.
I rub my hand on the steering wheel. I stare at the photo pendant that dangles from the rear view mirror. A picture of Mark laughing fills my view.
Ha.
He's not here anymore, Jackson. He can't help you sleep.
I'll have to figure out my sleeping situation by myself.
After sitting for twenty minutes, I exit my car. My feet take me to the entrance of the building.
I haven't been here in a while...
I promised Mark. I'll keep them happy.
I open the door and walk into the adoption center.
"Jackson..." The head supervisor, Ms. Jee, greets me at the front desk.
"Hey." I smile weakly.
"You look terrible, honey." The woman comes out from behind the desk and hugs me. I hug her back, weakly.
"The kids missed you." She pats my arms. "Cheer up."
Easier said than done.
She leads me into the back of the adoption center. The clambering of toys and children yelling fills my ears instantly.
A genuine smile forms on my lips. Just the noises alone can brighten my day.
"Guess who's back?" Ms. Jee announces as she enters the room.
I enter. All eyes land on me. The first two kids to get up are Dong Joon and Sana.
"Jackson hyung!" Dong Joon points his index finger at me, his little brown eyes light up with joy.
"Oppa!" Sana runs into my body. She wraps her little arms around my waist, her face burrows into my stomach.
My stomach starts to grow wet. I look down to see Sana crying.
"I thought...you left us." She wails into my jacket.
I lift the little girl into my arms. She cries into my neck as I rub her back.
"Did Mark hyung..." Dong Joon stares up at me as I hold the little girl in my arms. "Did he really leave us?"
My heart sinks.
The children stare up at me. They cling to each other as worry burdens their eyes.
Dong Joon stares at me firmly. At the age of ten, I'm sure he knows something is wrong. He's smart.
"Is he gone?" Sana removes her face from my neck. Her large, sad eyes bore into mine.
My mind is telling me to lie to them, but my heart is telling me to tell the truth.
After setting Sana back onto the ground, I drop to my knees to meet the children's heights.
"Mark is gone." I listen to my heart and I speak the truth. The children gasp and cry once they hear the terrible news.
"He moved to a faraway place. It's far and pretty." I pat Sana's small head as she cries silently. "Mark is happier there."
I smile at the crying children. Even Dong Joon is crying. Not once have I seen him shed a tear.
My eyes drop to the toy littered floor. Their sad ridden faces are painful to look at.
"Oppa?"
I raise my eyes to meet Sana's.
"Don't leave us too." She hugs her teddy bear.
I bring her into a hug. All of the other children hug me. All of them except for one.
Dong Joon stares at the ground with his hands balled, tightly, into a fist.
"Dong Jo-" I start.
"He can't!" Dong Joon grabs my collar. "He can't be gone! He-he promised me! He promised that he'd stay with me until I get adopted! He can't be gone!" Dong Joon releases my collar and dashes out of the room to the lobby.
I run after him, the kids are never allowed to go outside without adult supervision.
Fortunately, I catch him outside on the side walk before he can get too far. I grab his little arm.
"Let me go!" He yanks his arm out of my grip and glares at me.
"Stop this." I beg. I don't have enough energy to fight with a child.
"I'm going to go see Mark hyung." Dong Joon starts to walk down the sidewalk. My eyes follow him lazily.
Ah...my heart hurts. Seeing him so desperate to find and search for Mark, it's painful.
"Where is he?" Dong Joon turns to me. A determined expression burns on his face. It's like he's a hiker determined to climb to the top of Mt. Everest yet, he can never make it to the top.
I contemplate if I should tell him the truth. I contemplate the conscious consequences my mind will say if I lie. I contemplate if Mark would be happy of my decision.
"Where is he!" Dong Joon raises his voice.
Where is he?
"Underneath soil and dirt, six feet below the Earth in a cemetery. That's where he is." My throat constricts as the look of devastation possesses Dong Joon's young face.
"C-Cemetary?" His lips shake as tears fall from his eyes.
I hear a small gasp behind me. Sana stands with her mouth open. Her favorite teddy bear laying on the ground as she stares at me in horror.
Oh no...she's too young to hear this.
But it's too late Jackson. You've just crushed two poor, innocent children's happiness. All because you told them the truth.
"Ugh." Dong Joon sits on the sidewalk and places his face in his hands. "Hyung..." His shoulders shake as he cries.
A loud shriek of a wail erupts from Sana as she cries her eyes out. It's as if she fell off the swing and broke her arm. Except, the organ that's broken in this situation is her heart.
"Oh goodness!" Ms. Jee runs outside to sooth the crying children.
I'm too pathetic to comfort them.
"I'm sorry." I whisper silently and without another look behind me I walk to my car and drive away.
As I drive, their cries and wails haunt me.
They haunt me all night.
I'm terrible. I'm so terrible.
I'm a horrible person, Mark.
