Shielding (Todoroki x reader)

51~ Apologies

(Y/n's P.O.V)

I felt the stinging remnants of pain along my back and arms, but ignored it, staring at the spot between his eyes, a trick I picked up to avoid eye contact but make the appearance of it. (I actually figured this out when my mom yells at me, cause she gets angrier if I don't make eye contact while she screams at me. Cause you know it's so strange that I might be scared of a loud, angry parent.) "I-I...I'm sorry, (Y/n)." Shoto said, voice shaky. "Oh?" I murmured, not really knowing how to respond. I don't really feel much about this. Yeah, I was upset, yeah, I might even feel angry at him, but at a certain point I started feeling numb about it. Like, why be upset if you can't do anything about it. I'll always be protective of him, together, separated, if he makes me mad, whatever, because he'll always matter to me, and I want him to be safe and happy. But that doesn't mean I have to be desperate to forgive him and get back together. It's be nice to, but he needs to fix it too, not just me. He made assumptions and acted on them instead of trying to talk it out. Yeah, sure I panicked and wanted to save him during the exam, but again, that doesn't mean I'm desperate to run back into his safe, comforting, welcoming arms. It's not like... he's the only one I've ever been truly happy around. "I don't know what to say, (Y/n)... I'm so so sorry." I kept staring at him in silence until he reached for my hand and opened his mouth to speak. As soon as his hand grazed mine, I swatted it away, then hissed in pain from my arm's sharp movement. Recovery girl did the best she could, but with my low energy not everything could be fully healed. "Are you ok-" Shoto asked, then stopped and looked down at his hand and took a deep breath. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blaming Inasa for what happened since the exam... but it wasn't his fault. It was mine. I just didn't want to accept that I could've hurt you so badly... so I blamed it on him so I didn't have to accept what I did to you." "Ok, it's good you realize that. Thanks for apologizing for that." I responded, grateful for the apology, but there's something more I need to hear. 

"I couldn't accept it is because I just want to protect you, I want you to be happy. That's why I-I asked to separate, cause you weren't happy. And that was my fault too. You were so quiet and sad when you came back. You didn't talk as much, you weren't how you used to be before. It's my fault you weren't happy, I didn't protect you, I couldn't cheer you up-" "No, Todoroki. I was sad and quiet because I had just gone through some horrible shit. I was kidnapped and forced to do things, bad, bad things. I hurt people, Todoroki. Then when I get home my brother just reminds me of the things he's done, and why we didn't talk for so long, and just assumes an apology will fix so many years of loneliness and worthlessness that he caused. Then when I get to school I hear about how everyone in my class could've been expelled because of me, they were upset because of me, they blamed themselves for something I could've prevented myself. Todoroki, I was going to explain all of this to you when you came downstairs, but instead you broke up with me. And you were so adamant about it that I knew I couldn't get out of it, I couldn't explain. So I've spent the last few days feeling completely empty because every time I show my emotions, I start to open up to people, something HORRIBLE happens. And I was getting better. I felt more like myself; not the terrified and angry girl you all knew; but myself. Someone who could feel things, be excited, love people, love things, not have to hurt all the time. But healing takes time. But it seems you weren't willing to wait." I finally blurted, and I choked up a bit at the end. "I didn't realize.... I'm so sorry, I should've listened.. (Y/n) I'm sorry, for everything." He said, holding his hand out to me again, and I took it, beginning to sob. My whole body shook with the sobs, causing that tormenting rattling of my wings. I set my forehead on his shoulder until I calmed down, then sat back up and looked into his eyes "Todoroki. You make me so happy, I feel safe with you. I want to be with you, but you have to understand: Healing takes time. Physical and mental, and we're not as lucky with mental because unlike physical we can't just have someone heal us in an instant." I explained motioning back at Recovery Girl. "Yeah, I understand. I'll always listen, whenever you need me to." he said softly, placing his forehead against mine, our noses touching. I sighed, then the announcement for the ranking to be posted. I ducked into the bathroom and pulled on my uniform, then we walked down the hall, a considerable amount of space between us. We've agreed to try again, but it won't work until we can fix what we did wrong the first time.

We met up with the rest of our class on the field, and Mera spoke again "Anyway, the names of those who passed are listed here, in alphabetical order. Keep my words in mind as you search the screen for your name." I stood beside Midoriya and heard him frantically search for his name, muttering "Mi" over and over again along with Mineta. "Takami..." I whispered, scanning the screen. "There!" I said, finding it, only to be interrupted by Bakugo shouting "WHERE IS IT?!" and pushing Kaminari over, sending him toppling onto me. I slammed my arms down to break my fall, and yelped in pain. Kaminari quickly hopped off of me, and Midoriya carefully helped me back up, only to go back to searching. The muttering stopped, and I turned to look at Midoriya, who's cheeks were pink and mouth open wide in excitement. I smiled and said "You did it!" And hugged him, knowing how important it was to him. I let go and heard the rest of my classmates cheer or sigh in relief. I heard Bakugo angrily muttering, Inasa's for once quiet voice, and Todoroki was somehow even more quiet than usual. "They all failed..." Midoriya whispered, sad but sounding unsurprised. I opened my mouth the speak to Shoto, but a shout came from Inasa instead. "Todoroki!" We simultaneously turned our heads, and I went to sharpen my feathers, but remembered. Shoto silently looked up at him, but then he did one of his violently enthusiastic bows and shouted "I'm sorry! It's my fault you didn't pass the licensing exam. My focus was too narrow minded. Forgive me!" Shoto looked to the side, and I could tell he was thinking about what Inasa said about his father. I softly placed my hand on his shoulder, and when he looked at me I gave him a small smile. A reminder that I'll always be there for him, too. "You're fine. I was the one who got us off to a bad start. And thanks to the things you said to me, I have a lot to think about." Shoto said in response. I silently listened to the murmurings of disbelief and surprise from our class that two of our top students failed. 

They all talked amongst themselves, but Mineta when on a monologue and suddenly appeared next to me going on about hierarchies or some shit. He looked at me creepily, and I backed away, Iida grabbing him and moving him somewhere else. "Thanks, Iida. Nice job on the exam, by the way." I said, sighing. I looked back at Shoto, and he looked sad. It was similar to his normal aloof look, but I could tell. "Hey. I'll listen to you, whenever you need me to." I said, quoting him from our early conversation. He gave a gentle, slightly defeated smile, and brushed his hand against mine. "So, next we'll give you printouts of your results. They include a breakdown of your scores, so you know exactly what areas you need to improve going forward." Mera explained, and a team of men in suits began handing us the papers. I took mine and nodded at the man, then turned back to Mera. "We lopped off points when you did something wrong. Fall below 50, and you were done. These demerits are itemized on your result forms, as you'll see, so I'd look at them." I looked at my sheet, 91 points. Points were taken because of me not taking the act seriously enough a few times, and not working efficiently with others, but it was ok because I still managed to save a considerable amount of people by myself, close to the same amount a team of 4 did. 

"Anyway, moving forward, those of you who passed can exercise the same authority as pro heroes, but only during emergency situations. In other words, fighting villains, saving victims of criminal acts or accidents. You may act using your best judgement, with no direct orders. Keep in mind that your every action from now on carries with it a deep responsibility toward bettering our society, and that the world is watching you." He continued his speech, but when he mentioned All Might's loss of power, and how because of it crime is going up and the world is becoming worse. It reminded me of the crushing guilt I felt when I got back. If I had just been quicker, or stronger, or just... better, the world would still have it's Symbol of Peace. We encouraged Todoroki when we found out about the course he could take to get back on track, then we were all ushered away to get our licenses printed. I sat down in the chair with a deadpan expression, and before I could really process it, they'd taken the picture. I went to get it, then sighed in exasperation. "Why is it that these photos never look good? I look a depressed but surprised pigeon!" I mumbled, and Jiro burst out laughing. "Oh my god, I thought mine was bad- (Y/n)!" "Hey! It's not my fault she didn't wait!" I yelled back at first upset, but then laughed too.