My Promise To You

Underwater

TONI POV:

Ben is on a trip for work so I'm with the kids. "Where's Dad?" Jason ask refusing to get into the pool. "He's on a business trip. Get in." I tell him. He shakes his head. "Me and Daddy only." He squats down. "Can you get in?" He shakes his head. I swim closer and pick him up. "No!" He yells. He starts thrashing. I hold him just above the water. "It's ok." I whisper. He starts calming down. "It's ok bud. You do this for daddy, why not me?" I ask quietly. "We don't have to swim if you don't want to but at least get in. He nods. "Ok?" He nods. I place him in the water slowly. "It's ok." I whisper. He nods. "Get out." He whispers. "One more minute." He shakes his head. "Out!" After a minute I let him out. I dry him. Off and we go inside. Luckily Fangs is here to help me. He walks out of Dani's room and closes the door. "She's asleep." He smiles. "Thank you." I whisper. Jason goes to his room and changes. I hear my phone ring in my room. "I should probably get that. Make sure Jason is actually getting dressed, I really don't feel like chasing him around while he's naked." Fangs nods and goes to his room. I walk into my room and pick up the phone. "Hey baby." I smile. "Hey." Ben whispers, he doesn't sound happy. "What's wrong?" I ask quietly. "I umm. I was thinking about what we talked about yesterday. You were right." He tells me. Yesterday we had a 30 minute debate if Darth Vader really could lose against is son. I said it was impossible. Ben disagreed. "Told you!" I smile. "What's actually wrong?" I ask quietly. "I had a few drinks. I'm not really drunk but I just needed to call you before I went to far." He confesses. "I'm sorry." He whispers.

Ben opens the door. "Where are the kids?" He ask quietly. "Fangs is watching them." He nods. "That's probably best." He whispers. "I'm sorry." I look at him. "Don't be." I whisper. Ben let's me into the hotel room. It smells like alcohol. "I feel like I'm underwater." He sits on the bed. I kneel in front of him. "I know. You're ok." I whisper. He starts crying into me. "What's wrong?" I ask quietly. He just shakes his head and cries. We sit there for a few minutes until he's calmed down. I hold his face. "What started all of this?" I ask, my voice trembling holding back tears. "Talk to me." I whisper. He looks at something behind me. I look at him confused and look at what he's staring at, I see the small clock with the date and time. July 7th. My heart drops. "Oh." I look at him. "Ben." He continues crying. "It's ok." I whisper. "Lie down for a bit." I cup his cheeks. He nods. Lying down on the bed. I take a deep breath and go to the bathroom. I use it because I drove 2 hours to make sure he was ok. I look over and see a small razor. I sigh. "Ben." I whisper. I walk out of the bathroom. Ben is sound asleep. I've never seen him like this. Nothing will ever take the pain of losing Jason away from him. No matter how hard I try, there's nothing I can do to bring Jason back, there's nothing anyone can do to take that pain away from him. I walk over to him and sit down next to him. "Toni I'm sorry." He whispers. "Do you want to take a walk?" I ask quietly. He shakes his head. "That wasn't really a question." I whisper. He slowly gets up and grabs his shoes. He walks over to me, I reach my hand out and he takes it. We walk out slowly and wonder. "I'm sorry. No one should go through what you've been through." I whisper. "I miss him." He looks down. "I just wish I had a known. Maybe he would still be here. I just wish I could have said goodbye." He plays with my hand nervously. I look over at him and wipe his tears. "There wasn't anything you could have done." I whisper. I pull him into a kiss. "Ok?" He nods. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you." He whispers. "Ben you're my husband. I don't really have much of a choice." He smiles a little. "Come on. You need to eat." I whisper. We go and find a small diner. I sit in front of him and take his hand. "I saw a razor in the bathroom." He looks at me. "I didn't actually do anything." He whispers. "You thought about it." He nods. "I thought about a lot of things last night." He confesses. "Tell me." I whisper. "I thought about ending my life. But I remembered you and our kids and how much I love you." My heart drops. "I couldn't do it. I called you, I got sober and went to bed. Next thing I knew you were at my door." He whispers. Again, I've never seen him like this.

"When I was younger. I never thought, my life would become what it has." Ben breaks the silence. We're sitting in the bath. We got a bigger room that didn't smell like alcohol and was more accommodating for a couple. I kiss his back. "I don't know if I mean that in a depressing manner or happy." He whispers. "Both." I take his hand and rub his slowly. "When did you know?" He looks back at me confused. "That you were trans." He sits back. "I always knew but the internet exists." He whispers. "Was horrified to tell you. I knew you loved me not matter what but still, I couldn't lose you." I take a deep breath. "Get the surgery. I know you've been thinking about it for a while now." He looks down. "I really don't want it. It would be nice but it's not at the top of my list." He whispers. "Ben. You need it." He takes a deep breath. "The kids." He looks at me. "They'll be ok."