My Promise To You

All I Ever Wanted

TONI POV:

"You ok?" Ben ask quietly. I look at him. I nod. "Yeah." I look down, he takes my hand with his free one. "Talk to me." He whispers. "I'm worried about you." He looks at me confused. "You shouldn't be. I'm doing really well! Still have my moments, but honestly, being home makes everything easier." He tells me. "I'm ok." He whispers. "You don't have to worry." Ben pulls me close and starts swaying. "You're the love of my life." I whisper. He smiles. "That's why we are married."

BEN POV:

"What brings you here today?" My therapist ask me looking up from her notebook. I look up. "My wife thought it would be best if I came here, and she's a lot smarter than me and she majored in psychology when she went back to college because she was bored." My therapist laughs a little. "I promise I don't use humor as a coping mechanism, she literally walked up to me shortly after getting married saying she was bored with her job as a photographer and wanted to go back to collage." I smile. "Anyways! Um a month or two ago, I was coming home from Pops and some guy attacked me. Somehow he managed to break both my arms, my left leg. My shoulder obviously it still hasn't recovered because I had it get it replaced and broke 2 of my ribs. Some other stuff happened but I really can't talk about it emotionally." I tell her. "I have to police report." She tells me. I just look down in embarrassment. I nod. "How are your kids taking this?" She ask quietly. "They don't know." I whisper. "I told them I had surgery after a business trip" I sit up a little.

"How's you're arm?" Dani ask quietly. I look at her and smile. We're in the living room watching Tv. "A lot better." I smile. "Mommy always kisses my boo-boos, can I kiss your shoulder to make it better?" She ask quietly. "It might not work because my boo-boos still hurt after but it makes me feel better about it." She smiles. "Be careful though. It still hurts if there is to much pressure. Ok?" She nods and kisses my shoulder gently. "Better?" She ask quietly. I nod. "Of course." She smiles. "How's school?" I ask her quietly. She shrugs and lies into me. "It's hard?" She nods. "I'm sorry sweetheart." I stroke her hair. "Mommy and I are trying to figure something out." I tell her. "I know. Mommy told me." She whisper playing with my shirt. "Who's that?" Dani ask pointing at a picture of me and Toni before I transitioned. I forgot we had that. "That's me. Because I became a boy." I whisper. She smiles. "You were pretty." She smiles. "N-now you're handsome." I smiles. "Thank you." She giggles. "Where are mommy and Jason?" She ask sitting up. "Well Jason has swimming. They'll be home in a hour and I think we're going to Pop's." I tell her. My therapist thought it would be a good idea to go. I'm ready. "I don't want to go to school tomorrow." Dani whispers. "I know but you have to Sweetie." I tell her.

"You ok?" Toni ask quietly as we pull up to Pop's. I look at her. "Yeah." I whisper. My heart is pounding out of my chest. "You sure? We don't have to eat here." She tells me. I nod and get up. I help Jason out of his seat and pick him up, he's small enough that I can hold him with one arm. I take a deep breath. We walk in and sit down. Dani and Jason sit next to each other while Toni sits next to me. Flashbacks from that night flash in my head. "Ben!" I'm snapped out of my head. I look at Toni. "Yeah." She takes my hand. "Order." She whispers. "Ahh!" I look at Veronica who's taking our orders. "Your usual?" I nod. "Ok." She smiles. Everyone else orders and Veronica walks away. "Ben. You ok?" Toni ask quietly. "I need to go to the bathroom." I get up and run to the bathroom. I go into a stall and throw up. I flush it and sit on the toilet. I don't do much I just cry. "Ben?" I hear Toni. I wipe my tears. "Please come out." She knocks on the door. "We don't have to talk, I just need to know you're ok." I slowly walk out. "This is the mens bathroom." I whisper. "No. Actually you ran into the wrong one." She whispers. "Oh." I look around. "Yeah it's clean in here."

TONI POV:

Ben hasn't gotten out of bed all week. "Ben baby." I lie next to him. "You need to get up. Just for a few minutes." He doesn't respond he just moves the blanket over his head. "Ben please!" I insist. "Can you at least talk to me?" I ask quietly. "No." He whispers. I rub his back and notice his breathing is faster than normal. I pull him into me. I rap my arms around him. "Breathe!" I whisper. "I can't." He panics. I just let him try and calm down. "You're ok." I whisper. "The kids." He whispers. "At school. There with Sweet Pea tonight, so we have the house to us." I tell him. I took the day off because I knew this was going to happen. "We can watch a movie, we could just listen to music, we can go on a walk, get some blood pumping." I suggest. "Can we just stay like this?" He ask quietly. "Nope. You need to do something." He sits up. "Can we go see my brother and mom?" He ask quietly. I nod. "If that's what you want to do." He nods. "B-but not right now." I nod. "You should shower." He nods. "Ok. Can it be a bath?" He ask like a scared child. I nod. "If it gets you out of bed for a bit." We slowly get up and Ben takes a bath. I have to help him because he literally has no motivation. I wash his hair. "Close your eyes." I whisper. He takes a deep breath and closes them. "Do you want to talk?" I ask quietly. "I'm here. If you need to." I tell him. "I thought I would be ok. It's been almost 4 months since everything happened." He confesses. "Honestly you did a lot better than I thought you would. I'm really proud of you." I finish his hair. "You need a hair cut." Ben looks at me. "You say that once a month." I shrug. "Do you want to grow it out a little?" I ask quietly. "No." I smile. "Than you need a hair cut." He gives me a small smile. I kiss his hand. "I'm sorry for being a bit off lately." I shake my head. "It's not your fault. It's ok, I get it." I whisper. "But you don't." He looks up at me. "I lived on the south side since I was 12. I get it." He looks at me confused. "It never happened to me, not to the extent you went through but I did get robbed a few times and saw it happened to other people." He nods. "I'm tired." He whispers. "Emotionally and physically." I nod. "It's ok. You've been going to therapy and you're going through a lot right now but it's going to be ok. It doesn't feel like it right now but name a problem we've had and not gotten through." He smiles. "None." I rub his cheek. "See? We'll get through this. Because we have each other. And I know you hate me sometimes because well we've been together for so long I would be surprised if you didn't want to kill me sometime." I joke. "It's too much effort I have to kill you and hide your body. It's a lot of work." He says sarcastically. "Come on. Let's get you dressed." He gets out and I rap a towel around him. I help him do his hair, trip his beard because he hasn't figured out the whole beard thing. "You know if it's to much effort to maintain you can just shave it." I tell him cleaning the shaving cream off my hands. "Yeah, but I look like a girl and also I don't want to freak out the kids." He whispers. "Yeah Jason would freak out completely." We both laugh quietly. "Feeling better?" I ask quietly. "A little." I kiss him. "What do you want to do? We do and go where ever you want." I tell him. "To the extent we're not driving to up to Maine." He looks down. "We can't lie in bed all day either." He nods. "I would like to visit my mom and JJ. I know, it's not going to really help my situation, But we haven't been their since I got out of the hospital." I nod. "We can do that, if that's what you want to do." I smile. "I love you." He whispers. He's not usually the first to say it. I smile. "I love you too baby." I rap my arms around him and he leans into me. "Everything is going to be ok." I remind him. He nods. "Just promise me, if you ever feel yourself get to the point where you feel your world collapsing, please! Tell me! Before you do anything stupid." I insist. "I know. I will." He smiles.

I hold Ben's hand as we walk back to the car. "I have a stupid idea." I whisper. He looks at me. "Yeah." He whispers. "I think we should have a mockery of a funeral for you before you transitioned." I whisper. "What?" He stops. "It's dumb." I whisper. "One of your dumbest idea. But I don't think it would suck." He smiles widely. For one of the first times in a while. I open the car door for him. "Are we actually going to do this? It's a little late." He ask quietly. "Well we don't have to do it now." He gets in car and I get in the drivers seat. "Anything else you want to do?" I ask quietly. "Ben." He's looking out the window. I take his hand. He shrugs. "What's wrong?" I ask quietly. "You zoned out." He looks at me. "The thought of my birth name." He whispers. "I was just joking. We don't have to do it." I tell him. "Can we go to that comic store in Greendale?" He ask quietly. "Yeah."