Sander Sides One-Shots // Logicality and Prinxiety

Conflict of Interest | Remile

AU- Human, same universe as 'Surprise Party' and 'Patton's Birthday (Among Other Things)'
TW- Mentions cigarette addiction, cigarettes
Unedited

"I can't believe I'm going to therapy. It's so unlike me." Remy said. "I'm not really one of those touchy-feely people. I guess with this, I just had to be the bigger person, and admit that I need help." He said. Dr Picani blinked.

"This is court-mandated therapy." He said. Remy bit his lips, frankly embarrassed. "You assaulted someone."

"Right... that." Remy said, scratching the back of his neck. Dr Picani wrote something down. "What are you writing?"

"Oh, you don't like being told what to do. You're one of those people who claim that you're in control of your own destiny." He said. "I mean, that's just a hunch. I don't want to make assumptions." He looked up from his paper to his client across from him. "Am I right?"

"Yes, actually. When I--"

"I'm so sorry, we can get to that it a bit. But right now, we need to talk about the assault." Dr Picani said. Remy groaned.

"Fine. We can talk about that. But I think it was perfectly justified." Remy said.
"So it all started a couple of weeks ago when my friend's ex-girlfriend moved here. We bumped into her at our favourite coffee shop. We started hanging out, pretty regularly. Oh, the thing about all my friends is... we're all gay. Like, all of us."

"I thought one of them had an ex-girlfriend." Dr Picani said.

"Yeah, Patton was still discovering his sexuality."

"Oh, right, I totally spaced on the fact that people do that. Keep going."

"Anyway, she didn't know that Pat is gay. So naturally when he got together with his crush of... forever, she was surprised." Remy said.

"She was surprised, so you punched her in the face and dislocated her jaw?" Dr Picani asked. Remy tilted his head.

"Well..." He started. "No. I had a lot more reason than that." He said. "So Patton walked in with his new boyfriend, Logan. And said 'So you know how I've had a crush on Logan for 15 years,' and of course, we all said yes, except Karen--" Dr Picani started laughing. "What's funny?"

"Oh, it's just... he dated a girl named Karen. And he's gay." Remy thought for a second.

"Oh, yeah, that is funny. Dammit, how did I not realise that?" Remy asked. Dr Picani laughed softly.

"Sorry for interrupting, keep going."

"Okay, Karen asked what, but we didn't hear her. And so Patton announced that they were dating. And Karen, like, said something like 'You're joking right? I mean, your both guys.' And so all of us were like" Remy sucked air through his bared teeth.

"And then you punched her?"

"No, that comes later. Which brings me to Patton's birthday. Logan had planned this birthday for Patton, because he gave Logan such a sweet birthday. Anyway, so we were all at Patton's apartment. And the second that Logan stepped away, Karen found an excuse to pull him into the bedroom. She pressed him against the door and practically kiss-raped him. Luckily, Pat's door swings out, so he twisted the doorknob and we saw them. So we separated them, Patton was in tears. He rushed to his boyfriend. And I punched Karen in the face." Remy adjusted his sunglasses. "Anyway, that's the story of why I got court-mandated therapy."

"Well, as far as I'm concerned, there was no criminal intent to this assault." Dr Picani said. "In fact, I think that it's insane that Karen isn't the one who's in court mandated therapy. Or prison." Remy sighed.