You're Not Enough

Chapter 5

"Jayda, wake up!"

I open my eyes to find my mother shaking me. "Argh, what time is it?" I groan and pull the covers over my head; I hear her open my blinds.

"10:22"

"10:22!" I repeat and remove the cover from my head; school starts at 9. I quickly get up, tossing the cover to the side.

"I know, I'm so sorry I forgot to set my alarm. I'm not used to this." I know she isn't. She hasn't taken me to school herself since like the sixth grade. She traveled so much for work, my dad too. Not as much as her, though. There were times when my father would come back, and she stayed away.

"It's okay, mom." I grab her hand, trying to comfort her.

"Okay, if we hurry, I can get you there before lunch!"

"Do you think I can stay at home?" I blurt out. After remembering everything that everyone thinks about me, I don't want to go in there. I can't show my face.

"As much as I want you to stay home, your father would kill me. He said something to me this morning actually before he left, he told me not to give in; he knew you were going to ask to stay home." Of course, he did. My mother's hand touches my back. "You'll be alright," she smiles and then exits the room.

I rub my temples, trying to calm myself and stop the headache I feel coming on, then head to the shower.

...

A part of me wanted to fill the tub up just and drown myself. But I didn't. I'm standing in front of my dresser, trying to pick through the thousands of outfits we bought yesterday.

I choose my new black hoodie and my ripped jeans. The cuts on my legs aren't as bad as those on my stomach, so nobody will see them. I walk back into my bathroom and stare at myself in my full-length mirror. I examine every inch of my body and my face.

"I'm not okay. I'm just good at pretending that I am," I say out loud.

"Did you say something?" My mother startles me. I didn't even hear her come in. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." she must have seen me jump. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," I say.

"Wait, wait." She stops me in the middle of the door. "A little masscara, and some lip gloss," she says to me.

"Mom, no." Ugh, I hate when she does this.

"Jayda, come on. If you're going to wear your hair all wild and crazy like that, you need to at least make sure your face looks good ."

"I'm fine without makeup," I say, but I don't believe it. I know I'm not beautiful, but I still dont want any makeup. She narrows her eyes at me. We are already running late. It will be even later if I continue going back and forth with her. "Fine."

"Yay, this won't take long," she says. We both know that's a lie.

"Jayda, you look fine." My mom tries to assure me.

I've been continuously looking in the mirror the whole ride to school. I'm so uncomfortable. A little mascara led to foundation; a little foundation led to lipstick. It looks good, but it isn't me. I will admit the red lipstick is a nice contrast to all the black I have on, but I feel so weird. I close the car mirror and grab my book bag off the back seat.

"If you need anything, call me. As soon as you feel uncomfortable, go to the nurse, have her call me, and wait for me there."

In other words, don't find the nearest bridge and jump off it. "Okay, mom." I open the car door and get out.

"Go to Ms. Moore's office. Shes waiting for you. I love you." my mom says as she pulls off.

It is 11:10 now. At least I know everyone is in class. I'm hoping I can get in and out without being spotted.

I walk up the front door and open it. The school looks the same; it looks just as it did in junior year. Except I can tell, they repainted the walls, and the trophy case is bigger. I walk down the hall to the main office. When I reach it, the first person I see is Ms.Gatsby. The front desk lady who has worked here forever, I've only been here four years, but I've heard she's worked here for almost fifteen. Or was it twenty?

She spots me. "Jaydaaaaa." She draws out my name. She gets up from behind the desk and walks around it to me, embracing me in a big hug. Her hug is warm and soft. I actually like it.

This is saying something because I hate hugs; I know my dislike towards them comes from the lack of affection I was shown... as a teenager.

"Ohhhh, we missed you sooooo much." She plants a kiss on my cheek. I wonder who 'we' is? When she pulls away, she tucks her straight grey hair behind her ear. "I still can't believe your parents sent you to that boarding school. You were doing so well here."

It takes me a minute to realize what she is talking about. I forgot my parents told everyone I was in boarding school. "Yeah, I know I was pretty upset. But I'm back now." I say with the fakest smile on my face.

"Yes you are. Go ahead into Ms.Moores office. She is waiting for you. She has your schedule," she says with the most sincere smile.

"Great, thank you," I turn and walk towards the principal's door. I knock on her door before I enter.

"Come in." The familiar voice says.

When I open the door, I see the friendly face, Veronica Moore. Her black straight hair is pulled into a ponytail. "Jayda, it's so nice to have you back; come in, take a seat." She also has a warm smile on her face.

I do as she says and take a seat in the wooden chair in front of her desk.

"You look beautiful," she says.

"Thank you,"

"Let me start by saying, I know your situation. I know you weren't really at a boarding school," she says.

My heart sinks in my chest.

"Your father told me the truth; as I am the principal, your parents thought it was important for me to know your situation." she smiles, "The real situation," she adds.

"My mom and dad? They told you?" I say, surprised.

"Yes, and your father donated a pretty big sum to the school to keep me quiet." Ugh, I hate that my dad keeps paying people to do what he wants to be done. I know he thinks he is protecting me, but hes not.

The truth is, if we didn't have money, he wouldn't be able to do anything to protect me.

"None of the teachers know except for the nurse. She knows, so you can go to her anytime if you just need a rest and a break," she suggests.

That's good to know; now I can go to the nurse's office without a valid reason or a pass.

I can't count on my hand the number of times I went there just to get out of class or avoid lunch.

"The money your dad donated was actually beneficial. I put most of it into the senior fund for the kids who cant afford the activities this year, and I used the rest to hire two new school counselors. she says, "That was actually you dad's idea,"

"Why do we need two? Dont we already have one?" I ask.

"No, we have a college counselor but not one specific to talk to the students, about more than just college. One is a female. One is a male. I thought that would be best, so if the students decide to confide in them, the counselors won't be biased based on gender." That's actually a good idea. "But don't worry, the counselor for the girls doesn't know anything at all about your situation, so you're good; shes there though if you need someone to talk to. Though I heard from your father, you'll be going to therapy after school on some days. Right?"

"Yeah," I simply respond. I guess they didn't lie to her.