You're Not Enough

Chapter 6

Ten minutes had passed, and most of that ten minutes were spent with her asking how the faculty was, and then she asked me about how things were at home, which was kind of weird because we aren't that close, so I don't understand why she was asking me about my home life.

She's gone now; she went to get my schedule off the printer. I'm so nervous. Nobody thinks I'm coming. My phone has gone off several times, notifying me of new tweets. Almost everyone has asked if anyone has seen me. Ashely responded, saying that I'm probably scared to show my face.

I should've stayed home. My breathing rapidly increases; I swear I can hear my heart beating from outside of my chest. I close my eyes, trying to remember some of the things I learned from my time at the faculty, but everything's a blur. All I can think about is me on my bathroom floor with the knife in my hand. I think back to how it felt going across my wrist and how I felt knowing I would die. A tear falls down my face, and I quickly wipe it away as the office door flies open. I stand up from the wooden chair I'm sitting in.

"Ok, so I made two copies of your schedule just in case you lose one. Its 3rd period now--" Ms. Moore stops mid-sentence as she looks up at me. "Are you okay?" She asks.

"Yes, I'm fine." I lie. I know she sees my watery eyes.

"Okay, well, you have English. I'll walk you there."

"I remember where it's at," I tell her.

"And I don't doubt that you do, but I still want to walk you." She smirks at me as she opens her office door wide, gesturing for me to go first.

....

My heart is beating even faster than before. My palms are sweaty, and I can feel my nails piercing into my hands.

A classroom door comes flying open, startling me, and two blonde girls come out. They look straight at me. It takes a minute before I realize who they are. The Twins, Ava and Ella, they look straight at me and start to giggle, pulling out their phones, typing away.

"Girls!" Ms. Moore calls out. They walk away fast down the hall.

"Come on, Jayda." she urges me.

Before I know it, my phone goes off again. I reach into my back pocket and pull it out.

*SHES HERE!- Ella

Great. I roll my eyes and stick it back into my pocket.

Ms. Moore stops in front of the English classroom door. "Are you ready?" She asks me.

I nod my head. I need to just get this over with. She opens the door and walks in first. I don't look towards the twenty people in the class, but as soon as I walk in, I hear the whispers, the peals of laughter, and the gasps.

"Class settle down, settle down." The familiar teachers say—Mr. Brooks twelfth Grade English Lit. He gets up from his desk and walks over to Ms. Moore and me.

"The bitch actually came." I hear someone say. Even though it was low, I know who it was; I know that voice.

Ashely.

"Welcome Back," Mr. Brooks says to me. I give him a simple nod. "I thought I wasn't going to be able to teach you this year. I'm glad I am. Ive heard so many good things about your writing from your past teachers. I've read some of your stuff too; it was amazing." he has the biggest grin on his face.

"Thank you." I simply say. I never really thought my writing was good. If he read my work, then he knows how messed up I am. Everything I wrote about was how I felt. Maybe they didn't connect it to me, though. Perhaps they thought it was fictional when really it was real. "Go on. Take a seat wherever one is available." he points to the desk.

I look to Ms. Moore before moving.

"If you need anything, I'm in my office." She places her hand on my back.

I turn around, facing the crowd trying to find a seat. I spot one by the window in the back. I walk towards it and sit. Even though I'm in the back, I can still feel all eyes on me.

I'm trying so hard to keep it together, but it isn't easy. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to cut. I want to die.

...

"Has anyone here read Hamlet's speech To Be Or Not To Be That Is The Question?" Mr. Brooks asks.

The class stays quiet. And so do I. It's my favorite Shakespeare novel. I've read Hamlet several times. One of those times was in eleventh grade. I had Ms. Capons AP English class and that was the book we studied all semester. To Be Or Not To Be is one of my favorite speeches from the book. His quote, "To Be Or Not To Be," is one of the most famous literary quotes ever written.

Reading Hamlet made me less afraid of death; it's the reason why I am not afraid of death.

"Nobody, huh?" he raises an eyebrow; he's staring directly at me. Crap, he knows I read it. He has visited my English class a couple of times he sat in on some of the readings. I shake my head at him.

With just a simple shake, I'm pleading with him not to call on me. This is my first day back, and I'm trying as hard as I can to not draw any attention to myself. He must understand because I see him give me a slight nod. "Well, that's your homework. I want a one-page essay on his speech and what it means to you," he says—the whole class groans.

"And how are we supposed to find this speech," Ashely says, twisting her blonde hair through her fingers.

"Your phones, just type it in," Mr. Brooks says back to her.

"Isn't that story like, old? What if it's not on the internet?" she responds.

"You of all people know that everything is on the internet," he says, clearly referring to something; when the class laughs, I know I must have missed something. "But if you don't think it is, I have printed copies out right here." He says as he pulls out a stack of paper from his desk draw.

The whole class groans again just as the bell rings. Everyone rushes over to the stack of papers on the desk, each taking one before leaving. After the right amount of people leave, I stand up from my desk and head towards the door. The hallways are filled with people. Everything seems louder. Everyone seems louder. The lockers slamming makes me jump. I forgot how loud they were.

Speaking of lockers, I need to find mine. I reach my hand into my back pocket and grab my schedule. I remember Ms. Moore saying she wrote my combination and locker number on it.

Locker 342, the combination is my birthday. 073103