You're Not Enough

Chapter 75

1 Month Later

Dear you stupid ass diary. It's Friday, October 7th; you already know what time it is. I have to write my stupid feelings into this book twice a day when I wake up and before I go to sleep. There isn't much to say; you know everything, diary; it's just been the same old same old around here. But for fun, let's recap the shit storm I've been through.

So as you know, I was diagnosed with Pseudoseizures, aka sutto seizures. They are nonepileptic seizures, which means they're not caused by some physical health problems, they're caused by severe mental stress, which is just fabulous, right, lol. Just what I needed. I'm stressed all the fucking time. But I have to be severely stressed to have a seizure. So when I get to the limit, when I feel like I'm about to blow, one will come. I've had 4 of them since new york.

I mean, how can I not be stressed? I'm stressed about everything. I am not going to NYU. It's been a month, and I hadn't heard anything from Caleb. Up until last week, I thought maybe he lost his phone or something or was just sick. But when James came over last week to drop off my homework, he told me that he asked Logan if Caleb was alright. Logan told him he was fine. So if he's fine, why hasn't he called me? Well, diary, I figured Caleb decided he was done with me. I just don't know what happened. I mean, we were good, he told me to call him that night, I did, he never answered or called me back. So what happened in that little bit of time? I just don't understand what I did wrong. I was really crushed about it, I still am. I don't think I'll ever get over it. But it is what it is. Maybe it's for the best.

Moving on, Ryder, of course, is back to being the ass that he is. I texted him like I said I would before he left. He never responded. He has totally ghosted me, big surprise; I don't know why I actually thought he would give a damn about me. I'm not too beat up about that, though; I knew he wasn't going to change, In Violet's words. "Ryder and Ashely are happier than ever," which means that he's the same old Ryder.

James said Ryder has gotten worse though he's been in several fights in a month, and there's a rumor going around that he cheated on Ashely in New York. Which he did, lol, but how could they know? There's also a rumor going around about me, which is not a big surprise. I guess I'm supposedly scared to come back to school because I don't want to face Ashely, which is not true. I'm not afraid of her, but no one believes that except for Violet, James, Liam, Thomas. I told them about the seizures. I told them I had epilepsy. Which was not really a lie, but it wasn't really entirely the truth.

Shit, I forgot I'm supposed to be thinking about positive things. Looking on the bright side about stuff. Okay, positive things, positive things. I start writing again.

I guess I'm not too upset I'm not in school; that definitely took a load off of me. Oh, and I'm still on the stem. Thomas and Liam come over every Friday, and we work on coding for the robot; I had to miss the first competition and the second one, but hopefully, I can be there for the third one if I'm even alive. I'm back to having nothing to live for; I don't want to live for anything; I'm done, I gave life a chance, and it failed me. I started cutting again. Two weeks ago, I did it. I held off for as long as I could; I've been doing it every day since. My parents don't know, I don't think Rachel knows, I've been meeting with her still, and she hasn't said anything about it. I promised her I was going to keep trying even without the medication. But I lied to her, I don't want to try, I don't want to live. Every time I cut, I always think back to what she said. She said that cutting was a good thing because I have the means to kill myself, but I haven't. So why haven't I?

"Jayda!" My mom yells.

"Coming!" I yell back. I'll finish this later; I close the black book and put it under my pillow. I walk out of my room and down the stairs. My mom is sitting at the dining table with her papers covering the whole table as usual.