You're Not Enough

Chapters 20

I let out a long sigh; I feel like Ive stared at my bedroom ceiling way too many times. If only my eyes could write the words that are in my head. Surely my wall would be covered in a million dreams, a million thoughts.

Dreams of a different life, thoughts of my current.

This is just great. My mom is gone, and my father is drunk, and it all because of me.

I've been home for only a few days, and yet, Ive managed to ruin everything. My mother was right; I am amazing. Amazing at ruining things!

How could I ruin a ten-year marriage in a matter of four days?

I need to forget. I don't want to feel anything. I get up off of my bed and walk into my closet. I grab the stool and step on it and then grab the white shoebox thats tucked on the side. After I grab it, I sit on the floor and open the box.

Everything that I left behind is in here. I pull out the letters. There are four, one for each of the times I attempted to kill myself. I look down at them. When I found out I was coming home, I vowed never to look at these letters again; I vowed never to go into this box when I returned unless I was placing another letter, my last letter.

I leave the letters on the floor, then reach back into the box, and pull out a container filled with opiates. I stare at the container for a few seconds. Memories of how I got these pills to flow through my head, another part of my life, I regret.

I still feel the same way as I did months ago, but I don't do drugs anymore, six months, Ive gone six months without them. If I take these now, I'll be starting over. I stand up off the floor and walk into my bathroom.

I don't care; I need them; I don't want to go on feeling this way. I need to calm my thoughts; I don't want to feel anything. Cutting isn't enough; it never was; thats why I started the drugs they helped...a little. They didn't take away my hunger to die, but they made me numb; they made me not feel anything.

I was here, but my mind was gone. Trapped behind whatever it is that is in these pills.

I swallow the two pills. It's done now. I walk back over to my bed and lay down. I know it was wrong, but I need this for me.

Maybe I am selfish.

...

Ding Dong

Ding Dong.

The doorbell rings again; I hop out of my bed and fall straight to the floor. My head is spinning. It takes a minute before I realize what's going on. It's the pills; this feeling is familiar. I turn over and get on all fours. I reach my hand up and hold on to my nightstand, using it to pull me up.

My body feels heavy. The doorbell rings again for the fourth time. I need to get it before my father wakes up. Is he still asleep? He has to be; surely he would've come in my room by now if he was awake. I walk towards my door and lean my head against it before walking out.

I asked for this; this is what I wanted; I knew how I would feel when I took them; I hold onto the rail tightly while walking down the stairs.

Whoever is at the door is now banging. I walk as fast as I can to the door and unlock the bottom then top lock.

"Jayda!" Ryder says to me. It takes me a minute to realize he's in front of me. I see him, but I can't react. I want to, but my body just won't. I look him up and down; he has a plain blue shirt with black pants and a black jacket on. "Jayda," he says again, this time more forceful.

"What are you doing here?" I finally say.

"I'm here because we have work to do." He walks past me and into the house, without evening asking to come in.

"You know it's rude to burst into someone's house without permission." I shut the door.

"I really don't care. All I care about is getting this chapter done so I can play in the game tomorrow." He narrows his green eyes at me.

"Ok, well, you should've called or texted first; you just can't show up here." My voice is louder than expected.

"Well, I called and texted. You didn't answer," he says.

I didn't hear a call. But I can't say he didn't; he probably did; I wouldn't have known, after taking the pills I was out. "How did you even know where I live?"

"We did use to catch the school bus together," he says sarcastically.

"Oh." I forgot Ive known this boy since elementary.

"Well, can we get to it? I have a party to get to." He says.

"A party?"

"Yes." He simply says."Well?" He throws his hand in the air.

I scoff and walk past him, heading up the stairs. He follows me. When we reach the room, my eyes immediately go to the floor; the shoe box and letters are right where I left them. I sprint over to them and shove them back into the box.

He stands in the doorway. I know he's looking at me. I slide the shoebox under my bed, then get up and turn to him. "You can sit there." I point at the chair by my desk. He walks over and takes a seat. I turn my head to the window the sun is setting. How long was I asleep? I look at my bed for my phone, but it isn't there. I look over to my desk, where the dark-haired boy is sitting. It isn't there either. "Uh, what time is it?" I ask.

"7:42." He says while looking at the papers on my desk. I notice what they are, my old poems. I walk over and snatch them out of his hands.

"Did you write these?" he looks at me, and our eyes meet.

"That's none of your business," I growl.

"Thats fine; I don't care anyway." he shrugs his shoulders.

"Can we get started? I have my--"

I cut him off. "Your party, okay, I heard you the first time." I roll my eyes and sit on the edge of my bed.

...

It's been about twenty minutes. He hasn't said a word, neither have I. I can't think, my mind is all fuzzy, and all over the place, I can't concentrate. I can feel my high slowly coming down.

I'm starting to get back in tune with reality. I remember that my drunk passed out father is two rooms down. What if he wakes up and comes in here? He will flip. He told me to stay away from Ryder, and now he's here in my room.

Oh my god, Violet. I forgot she was coming over. She probably has been calling me. Where is my phone?

"Can you call my phone?" I ask the raven head boy sitting in front of me. He looks up at me, then back at his phone. "Did you hear me?"

"I heard you," he says.

"So, are you calling it?" I hear it ringing, confirming that he is indeed calling it. The ringing is coming from the bathroom. I hop off of my bed and head into my bathroom. It's sitting on the sink beside the bottle of pills. I grab the pills and shove them into the drawer under the sink. When I unlock the phone, I see three missed calls from Violet and one text from her.

*Hey, I tried calling. Are you okay? Call me when you see this. Ryder has your work... he approached me after school asking where you were... I told him you weren't feeling well and that I would see you later to give you your work... The work was in my hand, and he snatched it from me... he said he was going to take it to you. I'm so sorry I didn't try to stop him; he was pretty mad you weren't in school. -Violet

I look up from my phone.

"What?!" he snarls abruptly.

"Nothing," I say as I walk back over to my bed.