You're Not Enough

Chapter 106

I find myself pulling into the school's parking lot, even after I swore I wasn't going to show my face here. I came because Caleb forced me; he stayed over last night; it wouldn't have felt right for him to leave after our whole "I love you" moment. Plus, my father didn't come home, and I didn't want to be alone.

Everything still feels like a freaking dream; when he said, "I love you," it felt like I was having an out of body experience. It was like I was watching a romance movie on TV; that moment felt like a movie.

It could've been Nicolas Sparks movie moment, but there was no rain.

When I woke up beside him, I expected to feel different; I expected things to be different. But it wasn't. Everything felt pretty much the same. I don't know why I thought saying I love you would change our relationship's whole dynamic. Maybe I was overeating, thinking too deep into things like Ryder always says.

I told Caleb I wasn't going to school.

And then he specifically said I had to go if I wanted to "slay my demons." Quoting another one of his favorite shows.

He went on to state how this week is Championship week, and I had to go. I mean, who would want to miss Championship week? It's the most extravagant week of the school year, well, that is, next to the homecoming week. I wonder which people like more.

Well, by the looks of everyone outside, I would say championship week. There are kids everywhere, more kids than usual; I'm sure no one is going to skip school this week.

There are black and white balloons tied all over the school's parking lot. People are laughing and smiling. Some of the football team boys toss the football around on the school's front field; they're wearing their Knights Jerseys.

It's for superstition purposes. They believe, If they wear it all week up until the football game, they'll win; if they don't, they'll lose; if everyone wears it and yet one person doesn't, they'll lose.

It's pretty crazy, but everyone here is crazy, so.

I didn't want to come to school because I didn't want people to look at me like I was some freak or something. Then again, they already do, but I know the looks will be even worse because now people know where I really was and what's wrong with me. Well, at least they think they know what's going on in my head, but they don't.

Maybe people won't be talking about it; everyone looks distracted. Perhaps everyone's so hyped up about the Championship that they forgot about little old me.

I look around the parking lot, I don't see Ryder's car; I called him this morning, just after Caleb left, he didn't answer. I thought he would be at school, then again, he's always late; i'm sure he'll be here later.

I take a deep breath before hopping out of my car and closing the door behind me. I walk across the parking lot towards the steps. Picture hitting a button that slows down everything around you. That's how this moment is; as I walk up onto the curb, everyone looks and stares and whispers. The football stops being tossed across the field. They don't give me the usual mug or disgust look; today, it's the same look that I saw on Caleb's face last night. sympathy.

Well, at least some of them give me a sympathetic look; some look a little scared, others still shoot me that 'your pathetic' glare. I try to hold back the tears, but it's hard; I don't want to cry because people are whispering and looking at me. I want to cry because everyone knows they know about me, the cutting, the suicide attempt.

I hate that everyone knows the thing I am most ashamed of.

I tried my best to keep the truth buried deep where no one would find it. My parents lied to practically everyone they knew, just to keep the secret of my hospitalization. They'll be heated when they find out. When they ask how I won't even know what to tell them. I don't know-how. It wasn't Ryder, and I didn't tell anyone else.