You're Not Enough

Chapter 97

Find the light. How the hell am I supposed to find the freaking light? What if there is no light at the end of my tunnel? What if all there is, is darkness?

No, that can't be all it is, this can't be what life is all about. There has to be more to it; there has to be. But do I want to find it? Am I willing to suffer a thousand times over to end up right back here to where I started? Maybe Rachel was right; maybe I'm not suicidal; perhaps I'm just a scared teenage girl who's afraid of growing up and having the world reject her. Maybe.

I do have depression; that's a fact. There was a time when I had no hope, no purpose, a time when I felt nothing. But I don't feel like that anymore; now it feels more like I'm forcing myself to give up.

It will be harder for me to want to live and not give up when bad things happen. Depression will always have a hold over me; there's nothing I can do about that; no amount of medication or therapy sessions can change that. But the thing is I can choose to fight it; I can beat depression and throw it into a bottomless pit, or I can let it consume me and allow it and I to fall into that pit together. I, out of all people, know that it's hard to get out once you fall into that pit with it.

I think I found the light, though; maybe it's my parents, my mom, and my dad. I love them, so they have to be it; if anyone could be my light, I would want it to be them. I pull the car up right in front of my house; my dad's car isn't outside. I grab my phone and dial his number. The line rings three times, and then he answers. "Hey, Where are you?" I ask.

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry, but I got called into a meeting. I couldn't do it at home; it's a board meeting, so I had to come in."

"Oh...uhm, that's.."

"I promise I will make it up to you; there's money on the counter for food, I have to go," he says.

"Ok, b-" before I can tell him goodbye, the phone hangs up. Well, so much for him being the light. I won't even call my mother; I know she won't answer. Maybe they aren't the light I need; my parents have disappointed me too many times to count; I don't even think they mean to do it; they just do.

Sometimes people aren't meant to be parents.

I take a deep breath; I don't feel like being alone, then again, I do, but I don't think I should be alone right now. I grab my phone and call Caleb.

...

I look at myself in the mirror; I don't know why I'm so nervous Caleb has been over here before. Well, he's been over here while other people were here, but it's never just been him and me.

I have on my black leggings and my red hoodie; I hope he doesn't think it's weird that I'm wearing a hoodie in the house; I still can't wear my short sleeve shirts, my cuts are still too visible on my wrist.

I take the scrunchy out of my hair and allow it to fall. I never got that haircut; it looks even longer than it did before—the doorbell rings. I walk down the stairs and unlock the door; I smile stupidly as soon as I see him. He does too. "Hey," I say, it comes out more like a squeak than an actual word.

"Hey." I open the door he walks in. I close the door. "Where are your parents?" he asks.

"Uhm, my mom is in California. She has a case, and my dad is at a business meeting."

"Oh." he turns around and looks me up and down. He moves closer to me and grabs my waist, pulling me closer towards him, my body tingling as his cold hands grab my waist. "You look nice," he says in my ear. I let out a giggle. Ugh, why am I acting like this?

"Thank you."

He plants a kiss on my lips, and instead of enjoying it, all I can think about is what happened this evening with Thomas.