You're Not Enough

Chapter 50

"So my new counselor, Ms. Rodriguez. She said that he needs my SAT scores from this imaginary school." I look at my father, whose eyes are focused on the road.

He replies, "You will have to take them,"

"But everyone already took them last year, and some took it in august. No more tests are being administered." I explain.

"You will have to take it off-campus. I'll talk to Ms. Moore to see what we can do." He says. She is the principal; I'm sure she knows what I can do.

I turn my head and continue to stare back out the window. The rain hits the pavement, slowly collecting in the tiny potholes making small puddles. The forecast didn't call for rain today, yet it's raining cats and dogs.

My dad pulls up right in front of the clinic. "I'll be here when you're finished." He assures me.

"Mhm," I remember what happened last time he was supposed to pick me up.

"So, it's been forever!" Rachel says with a smile plastered on her face. "What's been going on?"

"Nothing much." I shrug my shoulders.

She narrows her eyes at me. "Nothing?" she questions my answer. I shake my head. "Well, Jayda, maybe you don't know this, but I get a report from your parents and your principal every day about you."

I question her statement. "You do?" They didn't tell me this.

"I do," she answers. "Everyone who is in therapy doesn't, in the beginning, always tell their therapist the truth."

Why would we?

"They don't tell me what is really happening in their lives; they don't talk about their real emotions and feelings." she pauses. "Now granted, your parents and principal are not in your head, they can't tell me how you feel, but they can give me insight into your day."

"Insight?" I don't know what she means by that.

"Yes. Like your mood, your activities. What's going on with you on the inside will always affect your behavior on the outside. " she states. "Have you been lying around all day, or have you been up and about? Have you been eating too much or too little? And so forth. Knowing the little things is what helps me get into your head."

"So, my parents have me studying me?"

"No, they have been making sure to notice the signs this time,"

This time, they failed to miss all the signs pointing to me slowly deteriorating last time. "They've been paying attention to you. Isn't that what you've always wanted? For them to pay attention to you? For them to notice?"

I don't answer her question. I'm not going to; how can she sit here and pretend as if she knows me? How could she possibly know what I want from my parents? I never shared that with her. "Well, if they've been studying me, if they have been really paying attention, how come they don't know I've cut since I've been home?" I growl.

"They know," she says acerbically.

My eyes go wide. I wasn't expecting her to say that. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. How could they know?

She continues, "Like I, they noticed you weren't plucking your rubber band."

"Okay?" I shrug my shoulders that still doesn't explain how they found out; it's not like they could've seen the cuts.

"They're paying even more attention to you now than ever, they noticed something was up, and when they came to me about it, I didn't lie to them."

I shout, "How the hell did you know? I never told you I was cutting again."