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the girl who smiled at the world • jennie

warning! this story is pure fiction and not all were based on true story. please leave if you feel uncomfortable to talk about depression and death.

Feeling down from time to time is a normal part of life, but when emotions such as hopelessness and despair take hold and just won't go away, you may have something wrong.

More than just sadness in response to life's struggles and setbacks, it changes how you think, feel, and function in daily activities. It may interfere with your ability to work, study, eat, sleep, and enjoy life.

Just trying to get through the day can be overwhelming. While some people describe it as "living in a black hole" or having a feeling of impending doom, others feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, and doubting their soulless lives.

Some people were strong enough to fake it and stay behind a mask full of joy and cheerfulness then actually fighting it, even when some other fell apart and broke into gates of even worse than hell instead.

The ones who survive without even attempting to cut their life off or run away from it are lucky. Usually those who could stay back have help and support on their backs, and enough affection to hold them back even if they tried to give up to the sorrowful life of theirs.

This story maybe about one of them, but instead of giving examples about other people, I'd rather speak up about myself instead. It's time to reveal the moment of truth I've been waiting for until I have this freedom after I fully healed.

My name is Kim Jennie, most of you must know me from the worldwide famous K-hip hop group as I was the main rapper of the team. I was born in 1996 at Seoul, South Korea and by now I am 34 living in Seoul as well after moving to Australia, New Zealand, and the US for quite a while.

When I was six, some of my family members who came and visited started to call me Mi So (Kim Mi So) which means 'smile' in Korean. I was a cheerful child and since I was an only daughter I was spoiled a lot from my family.

My father used to be a top surgeon and a generous hospital owner, while my mother was a wise, prosperous woman with dignity, who worked as an executive director of one of the biggest media company in the world. As much as I could remember, I didn't have any troublesome childhood and I was happy & stable, living exactly just like every other kids.

From time to time, my life changed but the exact point where I had it was when I debuted as a K-pop idol. My teenager years were as fine but after I got accepted as trainee after my audition I began feeling worse and worse and the worst point was when I started performing on stage as a member of my girl group.

August 8th of 2016, I finally released an extended play called Square One with two songs, Boombayah and Whistle. At first, it wasn't that bad, but slowly hate comments started to nag me more and more, and slowly my life began to hurt.

I felt like I got bullied a lot and stress out a lot, I tried even more too suit people's standards, whether it was beauty, music style, fashion nor dance. I practiced even harder, worked like crazy until I even had an eating disorder once. I became emotionally unstable, and my life was a mess, but cameras are where I wear my masks, faking all the smiles and happiness when all I had was pain not satisfaction.

By the end of the year 2019, after I released my mini album with BlackPink, our first collaboration with Dua Lipa and my solo debut, I even got more hate. I tried to distract myself from it and focus more on my career in modelling and with BlackPink, but it never worked. Instead, my friends and colleagues, even my family felt like I was distancing and straying even further from them, like I never had any connection with them when all I wanted to do was calm myself down and not break their hearts with my blabbering confessions to just end up with them telling me to take my break from the idol life so I could concentrate on my mental health.