Chasing the Sun (COMPLETE)

chapter seventeen

*TRIGGER WARNING*

*THIS CHAPTER TALKS ABOUT SUICIDE*

Indigo

     It wasn't like I hadn't expected this question from him. I knew he'd tried to ask me multiple times why exactly my brother wasn't here, why I couldn't call him, and why I was so sad he was gone. I'd gotten lucky, each time he'd asked he'd been interrupted by someone but now there was no avoiding it.

     My eyes drifted from his deep green ones to the tanned skin of my thighs. I took a deep breath, trying to will myself not to start crying the moment I told this story. Harry waited patiently for me to answer, I could feel his eyes on me. I took a few more deep breaths, trying to get rid of the heavy feeling in my chest before looking back up at him.

     "Uhm, so I talk about my brother in past tense because....he passed away at the end of November." I felt the tears welling in my eyes, making my vision blurry. I couldn't make out Harry's expression but I could only imagine it was filled with concern.

     "I'm so sorry, Blue." I nodded, rubbing at my eyes with the heels of my hands, "We don't have to talk about it anymore-" I shook my head, sniffling before taking in a shaky breath.

     "You were completely honest with me about Kennedy so I want to be honest with you," His eyes were full of concern, his features soft as he waited for me to continue, "Skye was my twin brother, as I already told you last night. He and I were inseparable." I wished more than anything that talking about Skye didn't make me cry but tears kept sliding down my cheeks as I spoke. Harry moved his hand to rest on my thigh. His touch was calming, his thumb sliding back and forth along my skin. The rings along his fingers were cool against my burning skin.

     "He called me Rainy, because of my middle name and the fact that I loved storms. I was his rainy day and he was my sun. Skye was everything I wasn't; popular, charismatic, and the total life of the party. I couldn't tell you a time I'd ever seen my brother sad. But, they say the happiest souls suffer the most." I kept focusing on Harry's green eyes as I spoke, finding a sort of comfort in them I hadn't felt since Skye left this world. Harry didn't say anything, a deep frown set on his features as his eyes continued staring into mine, his hand never leaving my thigh.

     "I wasn't going to go to college but Skye told me I shouldn't miss out on the opportunity, so I went. We matched our schedules up so that we never had a class without each other. The first semester was great and we'd even gotten ourselves a new friend group, thanks to Skye of course. I was always too shy to talk to anyone." I gave Harry a small smile and he gave me a sympathetic one in return. I swallowed before continuing. Tears continued sliding down my cheeks, splattering along the car seat and my skin.

     "On the night after Fall finals, the four of us were supposed to go to this big party but Skye wasn't feeling well. I'd offered to stay home with him as party's were never my thing, especially without Skye there. But he insisted I go and have a good time as I needed to enjoy the best parts of college. I was reluctant, but I went." I sighed, looking down now, my hands folded together, "Uhm, I'd gotten completely trashed and Skye had called me. He told me he loved me and I was an amazing sister, daughter, and friend. He always hyped me up and we exchanged 'I love you's' all the time so I guess my drunk brain didn't register how off he sounded..." My voice trailed off as I didn't know if I could tell him the rest, the hole in my heart seeming to rip more with each word.

     "Blue, seriously, you don't have to continue. I didn't mean to make you so upset." I just shook my head, each breath I took shaking my whole body.

     "I must have passed out at some point and I'd woken up to a million missed calls and texts from my parents telling me to get home right away. I was so hungover I just assumed they were mad I had stayed out so late. When I got home, I found out it was quite the opposite....There we're so many police cars and ambulances. I was so confused...Uhm...When I finally reached my parents, they couldn't even speak, they were hysterical and no one would tell me what was going on. I'd tried to run inside but the officers wouldn't let me, telling me I didn't want to see the scene. I was so angry, I was screaming for someone to tell me what the hell was going and where Skye was." I was half sobbing at this point and I wasn't sure if Harry had understood as single word I was saying. I just kept shaking my head and trying so hard to calm down. My whole body was shaking and I knew Harry was extremely concerned but didn't want to push any boundaries with me.

     "Skye had taken my Dad's shotgun and....he was just gone. He took his own life. He was just...gone. I'd gotten drunk at some party and my brother shot himself. He left notes for me, my parents, even Josie as we were all close...I never read mine. I didn't think I deserved to know why and I never asked Josie about hers," My sadness turned to anger and frustration when I spoke next, "I was the only call he made that night, he was telling me goodbye and I was too drunk to understand. I should have been there! I should have stopped him! He was my twin brother and I should have known he was hurting!" I was screaming now, slamming my hands against my steering wheel.

     Sobs exploded from my chest as I screamed, probably looking like a complete lunatic but at this point I didn't care. I could have saved my brother and instead I'd gotten drunk at a stupid college party.

     I hadn't realized Harry had gotten out of the car until my door creaked open and he reached across my lap to unbuckle me as I leaned back against my seat, my hands covering my face and I wailed. Harry places his arms under my shoulders, lifting me out of the car and pulling me against his chest as he sat down in the driveway. I clung to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, my legs wrapping around his torso.

     I wanted to tell him I was okay. I wanted to stop my tears. I wanted to feel god damn anything but this horrible guilt and heartbreak.

     Harry stroked my hair, whispering sweet nothings in my ear until I finally settled down. I felt so bad that he had to see me this way because I knew it wasn't pretty. Once I felt like I could finally breathe again, I pulled away from Harry. His eyes searched mine as he placed both of his hands against the sides of my face, using the pads of his thumbs to wipe away the wetness on my cheeks.

     "I'm so sorry for ruining the day...I know how awful this all looks and-"

     "You have nothing to apologize for Blue, I never should have asked," I just shook my head, my body still shaking, "Do you want me to stay at Josie's with you tonight?" I knew for a fact that him staying at Josie's with me there was not going to go over well with Kennedy, but in this moment, I didn't care because I didn't want to be alone.

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HEAVY chapter guys...I cried while writing it...

if anyone reading this has felt like the world would be better without them in it, that's not true. I've contemplated suicide, of disappearing forever, but I promise you that you have SO much to live for and SO many people who love and support you that would be broken without you. i wouldn't be here without my friends and family and i mean that. you are beautiful, smart, kind, and important to this works. you're important to me. if anyone ever needs someone to talk to, please never be afraid to reach out to me. my dm's are open and i will do my absolute best to help or just to listen if that's what you need. please be kind to yourselves ❤️