Chasing the Sun (COMPLETE)

chapter forty

*TRIGGER WARNING*

*MENTION OF SUICIDE*

Indigo

     I walked through the door of my childhood home, my eyes scanning over the family pictures and many plants my mom kept around. I wasn't sure if anyone was home as I made my way to the living room.

     "Rainy! There you are, I've been looking for you all day!" I turned to see Skye's beaming face, arms stretched out for a hug. I felt a lump in my throat as I ran across the room, crashing into his arms.

     "I missed you so much," Tears slipped down my cheeks, landing on Skye's sleeve. He just chuckled, ruffling my hair and squeezing me tighter.

     "I miss you too, Indi. More than you know." His words made me sadder, whatever mending I had done to my heart over the past eight months was ripped open, all of my emotions rushing through, "Please don't be sad, Rainy. I couldn't stay."

     "But why? Why couldn't you stay Skye? Why couldn't you have talked to me or mom or dad? We would have helped you!" I was angry now, pulling away and stomping my foot like a child. Skye just shook his head, putting his hands in his pockets and moving his vision to his shoes.

      "Nothing anyone could have done would have changed the outcome. I know you think you could have stopped me but you couldn't have. Maybe that night, but not in the end, Indigo. It would have ended the same." He still wouldn't look at me, keeping his voice low.

     "Skye, how am I supposed to forgive myself? How am I supposed to forgive you for leaving this horrible hole in my chest? You hurt so many people by leaving. We could have gotten you help." I was sobbing, the rage within me letting itself loose. I was angry with Skye, I had been for so long but I was most angry with myself for not knowing my brother was hurting so bad that he'd take our dad's shotgun off the wall and blow his brains out.

     "Indi, it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. I wanted to tell you about how I felt so many times but I didn't want to drag you down with me. You deserve an amazing life, Indi. You deserve happiness and love. I felt like I was drowning within myself, like no matter how much water I kept treading, another wave would hit me. I explained more in my letter-"

     "I COULDNT READ THE LETTER SKYE! HOW COULD I? You left me! You left me and didn't think how you leaving this world would effect ANYONE else!" My throat was burning from the yelling, making Skye flinch. He finally locked eyes with me, pulling me into his chest while I fought him.

     "Indi, please know I never meant to hurt you. I loved you, STILL love you with my whole heart. I know you're doing better, I see you happy with Harry. You deserve that. Please find it in yourself to read my letter and forgive yourself because none of this was your fault," I kept fighting Skye, all of this too much for me to handle. I couldn't breathe, my eyes completely blurred with tears. Skye kissed my head, pulling away, "You have to wake up, now. Please wake up, Blue."

     "Blue? How did you know?" Skye started backing towards the door and I went to move after him but my feet were glued in place. He just shook his head with each step, "Skye, please don't go!"

     "Please wake up, Blue! Wake up!"

     I shot up in bed, screaming for Skye to stay only to realize I wasn't at home anymore. I rubbed my hands over my wet cheeks, more tears falling at the remembrance that Skye was still gone. I hated dreaming about him, seeing him always reopening the wounds I had been trying to heal for months.

     "Blue, baby, it was just a dream," I shook my head, throwing off the covers and planting my feet on the floor. I wrapped Harry's sweatshirt tighter around my body as I left the room and rushed out the back door. My stomach was churning and I made it outside just in time to expel all of the carnival food into the sand.

     I sat on the bottom step, leaning my head against the railing as I continued to sob, rubbing away the tears with my sleeves. Why did I keep having these nightmares? Tonight had been amazing and yet on my best days I still had dreams about Skye. Would they ever stop?

     I heard the wooden boards of the deck creak, telling me Harry was here. He sat next to me, as he always did when this happened, wrapping me in a blanket and pulling me into him. The tears wouldn't stop, my shoulders shaking with each sob. Harry just pulled me close, rubbing his hand up and down my back and whispering affirmations to me.

I wanted to tell Harry I was sorry, that he shouldn't have to sit with me while I go through this but no words came out, just awful sobs. I knew Harry would tell me that I didn't need to apologize and that he would always be here for me, just as he always did. Once I finally calmed down, Harry helped me inside and to the bathroom. He left me there to brush my teeth, telling me he'd be back in a second.

I tried hard not to look in the mirror, knowing by now that Harry was used to seeing me this messy. I brushed my teeth, getting rid of the evidence of my nightmare. Just as I was rinsing, Harry came back with two cups of steaming coffee, the blanket draped over one arm. He nodded his head for me to follow him, which I did. We walked back out to the porch and I watched Harry sit the coffee cups on the patio table. He sat in one of the chairs, patting his thigh for me to join him.

I climbed into his lap, placing my head on his chest while I grabbed my coffee cup. Harry wrapped the blanket around the two of us, grabbing his cup as well. I held mine with both hands, taking a small sip. My eyes drifted to the ocean, noticing the sun peaking just above the shore.

"Thank you, H." I mumbled, feeling him wrap his arms tighter around me, bringing his lips to my hair.

"No need to thank me, babe. But there is something I think you should consider." I took another sip of my coffee, unsure what he was going to say next, "Please don't take this the wrong way and I'm not trying to overstep but, Blue, I think you should read the letter. You said it while sleep talking and it may give you a sense of closure. You deserve that at the very least." I didn't respond, keeping my face out of his view.

Maybe he was right? Maybe an explanation from Skye would give me closure and stop the nightmares. But was I ready for that? Was I ready to face the possibility that there was nothing I could have done to stop my brother? Was I ready to forgive myself?

//////////////

will she read the letter???