Chasing the Sun (COMPLETE)

chapter forty three

Indigo

My covers were tossed to the other side of the bed in a huff. I sat up, my feet dangling off the edge of my bed as I rubbed my tired eyes. I had been trying to sleep for hours after I had sobbed my heart out to Skye's goodbye letter. Anger surged through my veins as I tried to make sense of every word. I knew I never would but even that didn't stop the hamster wheel running rapidly in my brain.

I slid off the bed, my feet landing quietly on the hardwood floor as I didn't want to wake Josie just a room away. I made my way over to my dresser, slipping out of my pajama shirt and throwing on one of Harry's many stolen hoodies and pairing it with a pair of cotton shorts. I raised the hood over my wild hair and slipped into my crocs before grabbing my purse, phone, and sketch book.

I made sure I opened my door quietly as it had a bad habit of creaking if you pushed it open too far. Once I made it out of my room, I was golden as I knew Josie wouldn't hear me slipping out the glass door. My hands dug around my purse for my headphones, placing each ear bud in my ears and turning on my saddest playlist. My mind wandered while I made my way to the shop.

The neon green numbers on my watch told me it was nearly 3am, the witching hour. I debated on calling Harry to join me and my intrusive thoughts but I myself still needed time to process what I had read. I'd talk to him about it later, right now I just needed to get out of my head for a few minutes with sketches.

I trudged up the shop steps, unlocking the door only to lock it behind me. My hand moved to cover my yawn as I took the steps one at a time, flicking on the light at the bottom of the stairs. I took my usual place on the couch furthest from the entrance, opening my sketchbook and immediately getting to work.

My first sketch was of a sun with rain falling around it, the next a sun with the deepest frowning face, and the last a pickle pizza. I crumpled up each one, chucking them as hard as I could across the room. None went very far, even when I screamed strings of curse words while I did it. I knew that I couldn't sketch anything I actually wanted to without dealing with the emotions running through my body.

Skye's letter made me angry and sad and wishing that he was still here. He says there's nothing I could have done but there's so many 'what if's' my mind keeps dwelling on. What if I didn't go to the party? What if I had been thinking clearly? What if I noticed signs earlier? What if he never called? What if he would have talked to me?

"FUCK!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, running my hands down my face and neck.

Harry told me the 'what if's' would end me. I shouldn't think about them if I wanted to heal but dammit, how was I supposed to move past the idea that I could have saved my brother? He said I couldn't have but every ounce in my body feels like maybe, just maybe if I had paid more attention, he would still be here.

But what if the outcome would have been the same, no matter what I did?

I'd already gone through the stages of grief, over and over since that day but reading that letter just started me over again. That letter was supposed to be my answers, answers that made sense, answers that made all of this right but it did none of those things. If anything, it just made me more confused.

Skye was always happy around me and it never faded, not once. I'd only seen Skye sad a handful of times, once when our grandma passed away and the second when he broke his ankle in a skateboarding accident. Skye was a light, carefree and always living in the moment. And yet, he hid a whole side of himself from me, a side that I wish he would have felt comfortable sharing with me.

There was never going to be an answer for why Skye left that would be good enough for me. He knew that, he wrote that, and he was right just as he always had been. I wanted to forgive him for leaving and maybe one day I would but today wasn't that day. I'd forgive myself one day, admitting to myself that I couldn't have stopped my brothers actions, no matter how the cards played out, but today wasn't that day. One day, this hole in my chest would be the size of a penny and breathing wouldn't always hurt, but again, that day was not today.

     I laid back against the couch, reaching my arms above my head as I took a few deep breaths, closing my eyes momentarily. The anger raging within me was subsiding, exhaustion taking over every inch. I opened my eyes, sitting up with a sigh and placing my pencil between my fingers. The eraser tapped along the blank page as I bit the inside of my cheek, scouring my brain for any ideas. Just when I wanted to give up, a simple sketch came to mind and my pencil went to work. It took me no time to finish the fine lines, drawing the last drop before looking back and admiring my work.

     The tattoo was simple but represented both me and Skye in the exact way I had wanted it to. I'd drawn a sun, with two lines beneath it representing clouds and finished it off with three single rain drops. The small sketch screamed 'you can't have the sunshine without a little rain.' Yet another famous line of Skye's, the memories making me smile.

     I continued to stare at the drawing, my eyes beginning to blur with the tears I didn't let slip out. Simple but yet the most meaningful tattoo I'd ever get. My lip was caught between my teeth as a few tears slipped from the corners of my eyes. I knew Harry would be here early so I'd have him tattoo it on me the moment he stepped through the door.

     My body curled into a ball on the couch, tossing the blanket over me as I tried to breathe through my emotions. I folded my arms over my chest, hugging myself tightly as my eyelids began to feel heavy. I didn't want to fall asleep here, knowing I needed to get home but my body didn't move.

     As I felt myself drifting off to sleep, I tried to remind myself that tomorrow was a new day and that no matter how much I would have tried, I couldn't have saved the one person in my life that I had cared about most. The words kept playing on repeat, like a scratched record, until I finally succumb to the exhaustion.

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another heavy chapter but i like it. this is how my thoughts are 24/7, just racing through my head wondering a million 'what if's'