Chasing the Sun (COMPLETE)

chapter twenty four

Indigo

    "I don't know how to forgive you but more importantly, I don't know how to forgive myself."

     I watched Harry's face fall at my words, his hands sliding into his pocket and attention on the ground. I felt bad for upsetting him, that wasn't my intention. I was being honest with my words, wanting him to know exactly how I felt in this moment.

     After that day, he'd sent me over a hundred messages. All of them apologizing in just about every way possible. He even tried to call but I ignored it. I didn't know what to tell him because I couldn't even wrap my head around the way I felt about anything lately.

     It wasn't that I didn't want to forgive him because I did. Harry had brought this light into my life, one that I had been missing for quite some time. He made me laugh and smile like no one had in months. I knew he said those words with a blurred mind and didn't mean them but that didn't mean they didn't hurt. It wasn't an excuse for what he'd said.

     "Indigo," He slowly looked up, his green eyes blurred with tears that threatened to fall. I felt my jaw fall slightly as I wasn't sure if he'd ever called me by my real name, "Your brothers suicide was not your fault. I know what I said and we both know I didn't mean it. I'm not making excuses. I hated the look on your face after the words left my mouth. I took my anger out on you and that wasn't fair," I swallowed, feeling tears in my eyes as well. Harry moved to the end of my bed, sitting on the edge with his eyes still on me. He wiped away at a tear that had escaped down his cheek.

     "You can't forgive yourself if you keep dwelling on the 'what if's' because in all honesty, you could keep spinning those wheels but if your brother wanted to leave this Earth, not even you could stop him. Even if you didn't go to that party and he lived another day, it doesn't mean that he still wouldn't have done what he did at another time. I didn't know your brother and I don't want to overstep, but what happened to your brother is in no way your fault. Anyone will tell you that. Depression is such a god awful demon that sometimes wins and I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am for what happened. I cannot tell you how sorry I am for what I said and for all of the pain it caused you."

     Harry wasn't hiding his tears, letting them fall onto his folded hands. His eyes stayed on mine and I knew how much he wanted me to know that he meant every word he was saying.

     I took in a long shaky breath, the air slipping through my trembling lips. I pulled my knees into my chest, taking my bottom lip between my teeth. I wanted more than anything to believe what he was telling me, that even if I had stopped Skye that night, it didn't mean that it wouldn't have happened eventually.

     "Blue, I need you to know that I am so sorry." I knew, I knew how sorry he was. I moved slowly, scooting closer to him on the edge of the bed before sitting up on my knees and wrapping my arms around his neck. He stiffened at my touch before slowly relaxing and wrapping his arms around my waist, both of us breaking down in each other's arms.

Harry pulled me closer so I was sitting in his lap, both of our bodies shaking and tears staining our shirts. I couldn't tell you how long we stayed in this position, the two of us just holding each other.

"Does this mean I'm forgiven?" He whispered in my ear, causing me to let out a small laugh. I pulled my head back so I could look at him. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen, his lips puffy. I could imagine I looked the same. His green eyes bore into mine, begging me for an answer.

     "Only if you try pickle pizza." I watched the corners of his mouth twitch, a smile spreading across his tanned skin, revealing his bright smile. I stuck my finger in the dimple of his cheek, a smile on my face as well.

     "I'll eat pickle pizza for every meal until the day I die if it means you'll forgive me." I rolled my eyes, climbing off his lap. I held my hand out for him to grab, watching his brows knit together in confusion before he placed his smooth hand in mine. I opened my door, pulling him out into the hallway, "Where are we going?"

"I just gotta tell Josie I'll be back and we'll pick up dinner on the way home." I could tell he was still confused but he followed me as we made our way to the back porch. Everyone cheered, excited to see the two of us.

"Bout time you two joined us!" Mitch shouted, earning another cheer among the group. I looked over to Josie, who was cuddled into Lucas's side. I raised my eyebrows at her as she just smiled before mouthing 'I'll tell you later.'

"We're going to go for a pizza run. Mr. Dreamsicle here promised me he'd indulge himself in some pickle pizza for my forgiveness," I looked up at Harry, watching him scrunch his nose at my words.

"Ah, the famous pickle pizza. You're in for a treat Styles," Lucas said, making Harry give him a puzzled look before his eyes scanned over everyone around the fire.

"You've all tried pickle pizza?" They all shrugged, nodding.

"Had to share the deliciousness from back home with my Malibu crowd. You were never here for it though Dream Boat but I'm glad you're here now." Josie winked at him, making him roll his eyes. After asking what other pizzas everyone wanted, I pulled Harry back through the house and to my car. I drove this time, knowing where I was going now.

"So I know I have to try this pickle pizza but why couldn't we have had it delivered?" His arm sat on the open windowsill, his curls whipping around with the breeze. His attention was on the road ahead of us, his eyes narrowed.

"Well you see, I am still trying to get over the tragic death of my brother and you are still getting over your break up with a very toxic ex girlfriend, if I might add, so I thought we could both do a little healing with this car ride." He looked over at me, one brow raised. I simply gave him a smirk before cranking the radio up, plugging my phone in and scrolling to the playlist I knew we both needed.

"Music therapy?" I gave him a full smile now, nodding as he was catching on.

"We're going to sing our sad little hearts out, Dreamy!" And with that, I clicked shuffle and we both sang into the busy streets of Malibu, trying to heal our broken souls to the feel good music of the 70's.

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i don't know if i like this chapter but here it is