Star and its darkness (Book 1 in the Darkness&Brightness series)

8. Don't Need Emotions

And my father finally kicked me out. It was a matter of time. Not that I wanted that, but... This way I wouldn't have to listen to insults and profanities.

I didn't know where to go. Then in the middle of raining and cold night, I remember that one guy with whom I trained tennis. He mentioned he lived in a fraternity.

"What's up, mate?", he answered after the first ring.

"Um... hi. I was wondering do you have a spare room for a friend. My dad kicked me out." I sounded pathetic. Now everyone would know that Michael Henson got kicked out. And my dad's colleges. But for them, I didn't care. I wanted them to know, actually. I just wish I could see his face when he realizes they know.

"Of course, mate! Come! I'll send you an address."

So I came. Then became a part of the fraternity. And even if I said I'd manage and stay for a short time I ended up stayin' longer than I planned. And they didn't push me to leave. So that was my temporary solution.

Parties every weekend and then cleaning the mess the next morning. I got used to that. That was how I paid rent for a while because I had no money. But, at parties, I could make some good money. And I solved everything. I paid rent, I had room.

One more thing that I like at parties besides free drinks and my business going great, was girls. There would be so many girls. Blond, dark, green, brown, blue eyes, whatever you want.

In the beginning, I wasn't making out with them. I was busy selling and then I would go to the room and stare in the ceiling while thinkin' how desperate my life was. How my father kicked me out and how bad of a son I was. I would surrender to dizziness and fatigue and fall asleep.

Until one night. I was drunk as always. But not too much, just enough. I was never drunk too much, I was afraid to overdose, so I kept it easy. I sold a lot but kept enough pot for myself. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, handsome!", a drunk girl grinned. "Wanna get out of here?" I hesitated for a moment. What do I have to lose? A dark night full of regretting myself. I felt confident, with alcohol running through my veins.

"Wanna join me in my room?"

"Sure!", she smiled and I grabbed her by her waist, making her giggle.

When I woke up in the morning she was gone. Good, I thought. I don't have to deal with the guilt. Except, there was no guilt. I felt different. Mature, even.

I was making out only with girls who didn't want anything else except sex. No relationship. No emotions. Good. I wasn't nice toward them. I would only use them for a night or two and left them. I mean, I would force them to leave, and if they didn't want to do it themselves I'd made them because it was obvious my room.

I started feelin' less emotional, less guilty. I wasn't sad at nights anymore. I wasn't starin' at the ceiling and thinkin' 'bout my fucked up life. I began to like my life. No pressure. No emotions. No failure. I can't fail at parties, drinking, and smoking. I couldn't.

So, I heard them callin' me a bad boy. Not your type, sweetheart, someone would tell girls who fell in love with me. I knew when some girl had emotions for me. And I would immediately leave her. Don't need that in my life. I don't need emotions. Emotions lead to vulnerability. Vulnerability leads to breaking. I didn't want to break. Not after I've already had. So I lead myself with that quote I wanted to tattoo: If you ever wanna die, fall in love and you'll get killed. I didn't want to die. So, I didn't fall in love. Easy. Or so I thought so.

NOTE: This chapter is the longest one so far. Hope you like it!
Bye