Star and its darkness (Book 1 in the Darkness&Brightness series)

22. Tired Of Emotions

When I come back I see Alexia sitting on the couch and smoking a cigarette. Shit! I shouldn't come back.

"Stella?" She looks at me confused. "Aren't you supposed to be in school?"

"Um... I felt sick. So I came back." I'm a bad liar. Always was.

"Where's Myles?"

"I don't know. I came alone."

"You aren't pregnant, right?" She frowns.

"Um, no. No, no, no." Am I? No, I always used protection.

"You sure?" She raises an eyebrow. A fake eyebrow. "I don't need a pregnant teenage girl", she says with disgust.

"Y-yes", I stutter. "Can I go to my room?"

"If you keep puking then do a test."

"I'm not puking I just feel tired, that's all", I raise my voice. She continues to smoke and reads a magazine. I didn't realize she was reading one.

"Just sayin'."

I go to my room and fall on the bed. I take off my boots and sigh. Then I remember the bandage under my ear. I go to the mirror and take it off slowly. Just to see my tattoo. I like it. I smile at my reflection in the mirror, even though I don't like what I see. A tired girl, with a messy bun and big, dark bags under her eyes.

I feel bad. No, I don't feel bad. I feel good. And I hate it. I had these comebacks of old Stella through these two years. And I absolutely hated them. I want to be a badass. To forget how to feel, but now when I met Michael I just feel like he awoke those emotions, that I forgot I still have. Or had. I don't know, anymore. I don't even know do I want to discover his secret anymore. I just know that I don't want to feel anymore. I want to feel numb. To feel nothing. Then I'll be free.

I look in the mirror again and I only see that fourteen-year-old girl covered in her mom's blood, scared for her life. For her survival. I don't want to be her. That's why I came up with this look and start doing everything I'm doing. I close my eyes and massage my temples to get rid of stress. To call down. When I open my eyes that girl will disappear. Old Stella will be gone. It will only be me, my bad self, and I. My pink locks and a new tattoo. No scared girl. No. Not her. Not real me.

I open my eyes, but I almost choked, because of what I see in the mirror.

It is me with blonde hair, but blood keeps falling down my face. I am covered in blood. I scream.

"No! No, no, no! No!" No! Go away! I hit a mirror with my fist. Once. Twice. This time harder.

"Go away! That's not me! No, it's not!" I keep yelling. Go! When the reflection doesn't want to go away I hit the mirror with something, which first came into my hand.

"Disappear! Go!" I feel as air in my lungs starts to vanish. I keep breathing and breathing, but I'm out of breath. I'm choking. I'm dying. And maybe that's good. Then I won't feel anything. Anything. I would be in the dark. Dark.

"Stella! Stella! Breathe! Listen to me!" But I can't see who is talking to me. I can't see. Everything is a blur.

"Stella!" I feel someone jerking me. But I still can't see and can't breathe.

"Stella!" Then I feel a punch. Someone punched me. And I come back to reality. To life. I feel my breathing returns to normal. And I can see again. I see Christopher in front of me. He looks... worried?

"Stella, you okay?", he asks. I look at his eyes wide open and nod. "Thank God. Sorry for hitting you, but I didn't know how to take you back." He hugs me and I hug him back, just as I start crying. Sobbing. Shaking.

"You're okay. You're okay."

"Stop saying that when I'm not. I'm not okay! Fuck, I will never be!" I stand up, yelling. I see a broken mirror, shattered in pieces. Just like me. Just like my fucking life. Every piece is far away from the other one, impossible to again be put together. Christopher frowns.

"What happened?"

"What happened? My fucking life happened!" I keep yelling. He takes my face in his hands. Big hands, forcing me to look at him.

"My life is also fucking bad."

"I can't do it anymore." I bow my head.

"Me either, but we have to."

"You have Myles. I don't have anyone." I feel tears slipping down my face.

"You have me and Myles. Don't abandon us. Like our mom." I remember their story which Myles told me. "She left us." I pretend I don't know. If he knew that his brother told me that, he would kill him. This time for real. "Don't leave us too. Please." I've never seen Christopher so vulnerable. And I think this is a rare sight.

What am I supposed to do? Tell him I don't like him? No, I can't.

"I won't", I promise.

"Good." His eyes fall on my lips and before I can react he crushes his on mine.

He kisses me hungry, as he needs me. Maybe he does. And even though I don't need him I want to get rid of Michael who's running through my mind so I deepen a kiss. I feel Christopher grinning, but I don't stop. He lifts me and I wrap my legs around his waist, still remembering Michael and how he held me with his strong arms. How he turned us around and he sat with me on his lap, not breaking the kiss. I have to forget about him. I start to kiss Christopher's neck, just like I did with Michael's. Gosh, stop it. Let him disappear from my head. Please.

"Stop... Stella, stop", Christopher's hoarse voice takes me back to this room, not that room in the fraternity. The room where the shattered pieces of the mirror are still on the floor. In the room where minutes ago I was having an attack, thinking that I was dying. Back with him, not with Michael. And I'm disappointed when I see his face, instead of Micahel's.

"We can't do it. Not right now." He puts me on the ground. "Alexia went somewhere, but we don't know when she'll be back."

"Yeah, okay." I didn't want to do it, anyway. Not with him. "Okay." I nod.

"Do you want to clear my wounds in the name of old times", he asks, smiling. I look at the wounds and there aren't that many. Myles still has a swollen eye and bruises. I want to scold him for that, for punching his brother, but I don't have strength. I'm tired of emotions.

"Okay", I say, surrendering.

NOTE: This was like roller-coaster. Did you like it? Thoughts about Christopher?
Also do you like #Mella(Michael and Stella) or #Christella(Christopher and Stella) ? Or some of you ship #Mylla? (Myles and Stella)
Do you like the edit I made?
@Binna06 don't worry I'm gonna add yours to the next chapter