Smile for me || PJM.

four | trapped feelings

A/n: This chapter is told in Jimin's POV

I watched Y/n as she ate her food, well, playing with her food. I didn't even bother grabbing a plate, I knew I wouldn't be able to eat.

Flashbacks from earlier kept playing in my head.

"How come you didn't contact us?" "You're back? Even if you lost contact you could've spoke to us, I mean me... Well Taehyung transfered schools."

I couldn't even answer, all I said was 'I'm sorry.'

"...Are you feeling ok? You look... tired..?"

I am tired. Not just physically, but mentally as well.

I'm beating myself up for acting this way with Y/n, but I can't just seem to say anything.

I don't deserve to be friends with her... a weak, useless, unable to open their mouth teenage boy. That's what I am. And I'm not ruining her life.

I stood up, going outside to walk a little. Though my weak legs didn't last long. I sat down on the grass, leaning against a tree.

I tensed up when someone next to me. I looked who it was, it was Y/n. She looked at me frowning, and I just stared at her.

"...Aren't you going to talk to me?" Her tone of voice was gentle, and upset. It hurt me, I wanted to hug her, cry and let out all my trapped feelings, but I couldn't. That's who I've became. I'm too shut out to tell anyone anything, that's just how it is now.

"Jimin" her voice sounded even more upset. I decided to get up before she realises how I'm feeling. I got to my feet but she stood up and held onto my wrist.

"What's going on? You can tell me Jimin... we've known each other for years." "Just leave me alone... forget about me, please."

I pulled my wrist free, wincing at the pain, before walking off. I bit my lip keeping my head facing the ground. It's only been a year, but everything has changed.

After school I went home. Entering the empty and gloomy house, I went to have a hot shower. I really needed one.

The hot water on my face was relieving, opposite to what you may think. I felt like I could let out all my emotions, and they would get washed away. All the tears would go down the drain.

I sat down, hugging my knees and sobbing. My thighs stung like hell because of all the marks there but I didn't care. In fact, I wanted more.

I grabbed my lovely blade, it held so many memories. Moving it against my skin slowly, tears rolled down my cheeks yet I smiled at the familiar feeling.

Pain. That's all I've felt in the last year. It never stopped, but I had enough of it beating me up inside. So, having it physically was a nice change.

I felt ashamed though. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. It was the only thing keeping my inner thoughts sane.

I was also scared of others finding out, afraid they would humiliate me, tell me it was wrong, see me as an outcast. That's why I never brought the blade to my wrists. All the scars are on my thighs, where no one can see them.

I sobbed and got up, getting out of the shower once all the blood was washed away. I dried myself and put on some clothes, then I went into my bedroom and sat down on my bed.

I picked up the picture frame. It was me, my younger brother sister, and my parents. I smiled, the tears rolling down my cheeks never ending.

"I'm sorry... I couldn't become the great son and older brother you've always wanted... instead I've become this." Someone who hurts themself, someone who's weak and can't do anything anymore... someone who has no hope for the future.

"I... I miss you..."