Safe Haven - Book One [BxB|18+]✓

Blue Feeling

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Double update because this chapter is related to the previous chapter. I recommend reading that first before this.

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I slowly open my eyes as my mind regain consciousness. The moonlight of the night envelopes the bedroom faintly, giving a dark blue hue as it helps me to see the objects surrounding us. My eyes linger on the door that leads to the closet and traces the simple geometric design on the surface. I hear the steady sound of his heart as it beats in a steady rhythm underneath my left ear. The simple sound is like music to my sense of hearing, but I know that every sound that he let out is always beautiful to me.

The sound of his soft breath on top of my head, the sound of his skin rubbing on the sheet when he moves in his sleep, the sound of his whimpers and mumbling. Everything is melodic to me. His sombre voice, his peaceful sound, all of it is beautiful. I don't know why or when I start to beautify his sorrow. It makes my heart slowly aching because of how fuck up my mind is. But it's understandable, I guess. Because all of me already accepts everything about him. My mind automatically will accept all of his pain and happiness as if trying to share the burden of his.

But there's this new emotion that's starting to devour my heart and it's not something that can be considered beautiful. In fact, it's the opposite of that. It's a foreign feeling of something ugly inside of me. It keeps on messing my mind. I feel so lost in my own thoughts. I don't know what this feeling is. I don't understand why is my heart keeps on aching even after I get rid of that woman.

I should be happy, joyful that I managed to crush one of the thorns that stabbed his heart. But, why do I feel heavier now after the sense of relief is gone? There are so many vague things that swirling in my mind and I don't understand any of it at all.

I slowly tighten my embrace on his slender waist, suddenly feeling afraid to let go of this ethereal figure that lays underneath me. Frightens me that once I let go, he will evaporate to the air, leaving me alone with this foreign feeling.

I can feel his body moves underneath me as his voice let out a whimper. His hand gently caress my cheek, that is now wet because of my tears. He turns my head to look at him, making me gaze to his now opened and loving brown orbs. The pair of doe eyes that I love so much, the pair that seems to be able to see right through me.

The pair that makes me feel so small right now, making me cower because of how beautiful it is. I feel so ashamed as my unfit pair of onyx orbs are able to gaze into his. It makes me avoid the beautiful brown orbs, not letting him see this tainted orbs of mine. The orbs that have seen the cold and cruel world of mine. I'm afraid that I will taint them, making them impure because of my sinful ones.

Then the warm palm of his silently leads me once again to them, making me flutter close my eyes as my tears keep on leaking, as if trying to clean my soiled orbs. I can feel him move, his warm chest is now replaced by his lean arm as his dainty fingers making a small movement, stroking my brown hair. I can feel him hover on top of me as he makes me turn my head to face upwards, "Sam. Look at me."

His soft voice stabs my heart, making me slightly open my eyes and gaze down towards the blanket that's covering my torso. I don't dare to look at him. He then lifts my head, making me look up once more to his warm gaze. The concern is swirling on his endearing eyes, "What's wrong, Sam?"

I blink repeatedly, trying to fight the urge to cry. But it's impossible to fight it. Sobs slowly coming out from my mouth as my tears are pouring heavier than before. I begin to hiccup as my sobs begin to get louder. The foreign feeling starts to suffocate me, making it harder for me to breathe. My mind starts to turn uncontrollably, making my eyes unable to see properly to his warm gaze. My vision starts to get blur, making me afraid because I can't see his eyes anymore.

"I-I d-don't K-kn-ow wh-ats h-happen-ning." I stutter between my hiccup.

He lays down by my side and embrace me tightly, letting me wet the crook of his neck. Shame, disgust, confusion. The ugly feeling is swirling in my head, repeatedly stab my heart with the emotions. I don't know why I feel these feelings. I don't know why I suddenly feel so unworthy for him.

As I open my eyes, I can see the purplish and red colour on his neck and wrist. The bruises that I inflicted on his tanned surface. Blemishing his precious skin with my pain. I take his wrist and starts to give pepper kisses to the bruise as if trying to make it heal faster. Trying to help quickly erase the ugly mark from him. I close my eyes, feeling guilty to tainted him, "I'm sorry."

He tightens his embrace, soothing me with the gentle force. His hand's grip mine, trying to reassure me with his dainty fingers, "Stop saying sorry, Sam. You didn't do anything wrong."

Kana, I'm sorry that I'm like this. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand what happened to me. Why am I feeling this? What is this blue feeling?

Why do I feel so small in your eyes? Why do I feel like running away, hiding from you? I know it's impossible for me to be apart from you. It's impossible to not see or think of you even for a second. It's impossible for me to live without you. Those thoughts help me to stay within your gaze. The feeling of adoration to you help me to fight the foreign feeling. But I didn't recognise this feeling as I never had one before.

What is this blue feeling?

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