Chasing The Moon

Chapter 18

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hi :3

TW: Abuse, mentions of self-harm, panic attack

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The stench of beer and alcohol filled my lungs, as I pulled my shirt up to cover my nose. I think I was about to throw up. There were beer cans all over the floor and counters, my dad laying on the couch, a beer in his hands.

"Heyy kiddoo~," he said, slurring his words. Great, so he was drunk. He rolled off the couch sloppily, balancing himself on the floor for a second before standing up with a wobbly posture. It was almost embarrassing to see. I sighed and moved to the counter, grabbing a trash bag and putting the cans inside. Then I moved over to the couch, picking up the ones off the floor and coffee table. My dad stood on the side, finishing off the one in his hand before tossing it in the bag. He put a hand on my head, ruffling up my hair before laughing. He reeked of beer, and I held my breath so I wouldn't have to breathe it in.

"What a good boy you are! Cleaning up after your old dad. It's appreciated kiddo." He moved over to the counter, leaning on it to hold himself up. He looked like he was about to pass out at any second, hovering over by another pack of beers. I picked them up off the counter, moving them to a place he wouldn't reach. He groaned, his face becoming overcome with anger.

"Listen, dad, you shouldn't get drunk here. You can get drunk at a bar, but this isn't just someplace you're crashing at. This is your house now, and you should take care of it too," I said turning back to face him. But, what happened next was something I couldn't prepare for.

The stinging on my cheek appeared before I was even aware of what was going on. I put my hand on it, trying to calm down the tears heating up my eyes. My dad had his hand in the air, his furious appearance making it clear he didn't like what I said.

"Is that any way to talk to your dad, brat?" he laid a hand on my head, getting close to my face, "Listen here, I'm the boss now, and you'll go by my rules. I'm not taking any shit from you, so I suggest you watch your mouth," he huffed as I held my breath, trying not to take in the disgusting smell. The mix of events made my body ache with confusion. I didn't get why his attitude changed so suddenly. I could tell he was getting impatient with me, wanting a response and increasing the grip on my hair.

"S-sorry, I won't do it again, I promise," I lied, telling him whatever he wanted to hear. Whatever would ease his tension. He let go of me with a sigh, groaning and mumbling something that I couldn't hear. "I'm gonna go take a shower," I quickly said, making my way up the stairs before he could say anything back to me.

I closed the door as quickly as I opened it, locking it behind me. The room was dark, with only the moon shining far outside the window. I stared at it for a while before sinking to the floor, placing my head into my knees. My stomach was turning, and every second I worried he'd come in here. I didn't wanna see his stupid face again. I wanted him out of my house.

I could feel my lungs giving out, my breathing becoming more irregular by the second.

Don't panic.

I needed something to distract myself. Anything.

Don't panic.

I stood up, holding onto the handle of the door to balance myself. I thought my legs were going to collapse, the sudden movement making it harder to breathe. I looked around the room for something I could do. I could do my homework. No, that would just stress me out anymore. I would sleep, but I'd be kept up in fear. That wouldn't take me anywhere.

As I tried to stable my breaths, all I could intake was the irritating alcohol scent that made its way into my clothes.

Into my hair.

It was all over me. I need it off. I went through the suitcase I had left in here a few nights ago, trying to find the sweater Kei had given me.

Kei.

That's what I needed. My heart ached to be with him right now. My hands grew shakey as I struggled to rummage through the clothes, eventually falling to my knees. Frustration was built up in me, begging to make its way out.

And it did.

The hot and salty tears line my cheeks and neck, my fists clenched on the edge of the case.

"Damn it..." I choked with my teeth clenched, another hearty sob escaping from the depths of my lungs. I sharply inhaled, only to exhale shakey and rough, my hands dropping to my lap as I wiped my tears away. The blue cloth of the hoodie peeked out from some of the clothes, and I grabbed it, bringing it to my face. It still lingered of lemons, the salty yet sweet smell automatically relaxing me.

But I was scared to put it on. I didn't want to ruin it, I wanted Kei's smell to stay there forever.

God, I was so gross.

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Gross

Gross

Gross

I scrubbed my hair with shampoo, rinsing it out with the hot water. I figured a shower would help. I could get the smell away from me, and it helped with my nerves that were slowly eating away at my sanity. My senses were almost too much now, every drop of water that hit my body sent shivers and waves of pain throughout my body, the sound of it hitting to floor rung through my ears, and I grabbed my forehead, trying to focus on just one thing.

But it was too much. Too much.

God, why can't I just stop feeling for one minute? I'd rather feel nothing at all than everything at once. But, that was impossible. There was no way to get me to stop feeling.

Well, there was.

But that way would cause chaos in my life, it would probably ruin it, sending the waves of my depression crashing into everyone else's. Everyone would be affected by my selfish decisions.

I turned off the shower, standing in the humid air that filled the bathroom, making my skin sticky, but it was better than the constant noises evading my brain.

After a few seconds of standing there in a thoughtless daze, I stepped out, grabbing a towel and Kei's sweater. I felt the soft cloth against my fingers, taking in every line and crease in the stitching.

What time is it?

I walked into my room, looking at the clock sitting on my table.

12 pm.

Really? It felt so much later than that, but my perception of time...of everything was warped right now. I could feel my eyelids drooping before I even got to my bed, the creaking of the floorboard drowning out with every step.

Along with everything else. The only thing I could focus on was the buzzing in my ears, fuzzy sounds, muffled groans of the bed frame. My mind was slowly giving out.

The last shred of subconscious faculties tumbling down, the one I took so long to regain.

I quickly came to realize.

Any kind of mental stability I achieved...was temporary.

It was always temporary.

I hadn't even gotten dressed yet, the only thing I was wearing was the sweater, but I could barely keep myself up, passing out the second my head hit the pillow.

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