Chasing The Moon

Chapter 37

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ɿ(｡･ɜ･)ɾⓌⓗⓨ?

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The only thing worse than suffering is suffering alone.

Redemption is a complicated thing. I can loathe the way the world has treated me, but for once I'd like to forgive it, to give it a second chance. Well, I would like to give it a chance and be delighted with the results, confident I can rely on something other than my family or friends. It's entropy, complexity, the world didn't justify my pardon. When had I realized this? It was a funny thing, I felt like I had come to my senses, but the realization of reality weighed down on me.

I slowly blinked my eyes open, hazy grains of dots shrowded my vision, my eyes adjusting in the vacancy I was in. The feeling of a cold floor was there, but it rubbed against my skin weirdly, my body almost completely numb. I turned my head to the side, fixating my hands on the floor below me so I could gain some kind of elevation.

My father, upon realizing I was awake, crouched down in front of me. I locked eyes with him before paying attention to the hardwood floor in disappointment. I wasn't in the same place I was in when I collapsed, the room was much different yet familiar.

I was back in the basement, but at least I haven't been tied up again. My body ached and shivered against the ground, but I couldn't muster up the strength to move.

My dad took my hands in his, lifting me off the ground to sit up. I relaxed my hands in my lap, my eyes wandering the room around me. It was idiotic how the scenery had barely changed, the walls still looked as rustic as ever.

I picked at an end of my bandages in an effort to distract myself, but I knew this was just a nervous habit I never grew out of.

"Why did you do it?" my dad said sternly, his deep voice making me jump from filling the silence. For a second I had forgotten completely about what I did, but it all came back, the physical limitations my body was basking in becoming clear.

I shrugged.

It wasn't a complete lie. I really didn't know why I did it. It was just an urge, a temptation. Staring at the little lettering cast across the bottles which read "Don't take more than two in a frame of six hours" made me giddy with excitement. Maybe it was because I finally had some control, no one could stop me. This was my decision! I glared at him for interrupting that.

He grabbed my cheeks with one hand, pulling me into his angry expression. His breaths were hot and musty, the rage seeped through his eyes.

"You have to stop pulling fucking stunts like this," he growled, squeezing me so tight I was sure it would leave bruises, "it's getting old now. They never work out in the end, so all your doing is causing yourself to suffer. It's bullshit and you know it."

I stared at his scrunched up eyebrows, almost tempted to mock how idiotic he looked right now. He must have noticed my nonchalant attitude because he only grew angrier.

"You're going to school tomorrow. You can whine and bitch about it, but I want you out of this house even for a couple of hours, give me time to hide everything you can use to hurt yourself."

My eyes widened, the thought of having to see everyone, to see Kei again, made my stomach upset. But that wasn't the main part, the part that made my blood boil was the fact he was trying to control what I did to myself. He already controlled every move and action I did, who does he think he was restricting me from determining when I would die or not.

With a shake of his hands, he let go, groaning in frustration. I stared blankly at the floor below me, eyes sticking to one little crack and not moving. There was nothing going through my mind right now, I didn't even realize the tears dripping from my eyes, creating puddles not even the side of a penny on the brown floor. I blinked, more sticking to my eyelashes and clouding my sight, but I didn't care one bit.

I let met body sink, the numbness returning in my head and legs, encasing my limbs until I wasn't even sure of my placement in the room anymore. It felt like I was floating, a side effect from trying to overdose I'm sure. Or it could just be my constantly crumbling mentality, which I had thought was gone ages ago.

Yet, more little incidents that resonated on my mind made me collapse, even more, a spider web of hatred and depression clouding over the sense of sanity and awareness that was crucial to my very survival. How could I be expected to live when I didn't even want to, every opportunity to die I took without a second thought? Giving in to my head's desires to be relieved of my pain?

I let out a singular, monotone response.

"Alright."

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"Go. I'm not leaving until I see you completely down the street."

Arrows of pain shot through my stomach, but that wasn't a big enough excuse for my father. I glared at him, turning towards the sidewalk I had walked on a million times before.

I dodged a couple of pieces of melted ice, hands tucking inside my pockets. It wasn't as cold as it usually was, but there was still a nip in the air, turning my cheeks a faded rosy pink.

My dad said a few hours, which means realistically I didn't even have to go to school. Yet, there was something dragging me towards it, telling my legs to continue even when I didn't want them to.

Blond hair. Honey eyes. Glasses.

That's what it was. As I walked into the classroom, I ignored the sudden stares, eyes immediately locking on Kei. He was staring out the window with his head tucked in his arms on the table, headphones in which means he wasn't aware of my presence.

I stepped towards our seat, staring at the ground so I wouldn't meet the eyes of my classmates.

I tapped on Kei's shoulder, and he turned to me, eyes full of annoyance but quickly widening at my sight. He went to go stand up, arms reaching out, but stopped midway, looking around the room. It almost made me smile.

He stood up as if nothing just happened, taking my arms and dragging me out of the doors.

He didn't stop until we were out of the hallways and into the bathrooms. I was shoved into a stall, the door being slammed and locked in front of me.

Without a word between us yet, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, squeezing me so tight felt like I couldn't breathe, the pain in my body intensifying.

"Tadashi..." he started, but I could hear the break in his voice, making me wince.

"You don't have to say anything. I don't need to hear it right now. Can we go back to class?"

He held me for a couple of seconds more, fingers clutching my shirt. I sat with my head rested on his shoulder, staring at the grainy bathroom door in front of me, the white and black splotches weirdly annoying me.

He slowly let go, and I was met my solemn eyes, I could tell he was just craving to hold me again.

Taking my hand in his, he turned led us out of the bathroom and back to class, silence once again drifting in the air.

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*disappears for two weeks and then stars posting daily* 😚

You're a god to me if you recognized the song lyrics used for inspiration for one part of this chapter 🥱 Like please dm me so we can be friends

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