Chasing The Moon

Chapter 31

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"Arms up."

It had been two prolonged days following that evening in the basement. I waited submissively on my mattress, my legs bobbing up and down for hours upon hours, exhausting myself out with my own perverse behaviors. My dad made sure to check on me every once in a while to change out my bandages and to make sure I actually ate something, though, with the lack of motivation, I ordinarily dismissed him, making him once again frustrated but he quickly changed his attitude, ignoring my request and bringing me food every day.

But, I think something had developed between us that weekend. Instead of feeling resentment towards him, I felt protected acknowledging he cared so much about me. He did save my life, of course.

I lift my weary arms above my head, them trembling from the tops of my shoulders to the tips of my fingers. My left arm was the worst one, searing with a deep pain every time I tried to move it. My entire body was sore, but moving my arm induced tears in my eyes every time. This was the problem with failed suicide attempts. I would have to live with this pain, with the scars, with the memory, for who knows how long.

My dad slid my uniform shirt and blazer over my arms and chest, snapping it up for me like I was a kid incapable to do it himself. I stared at his freckles, the clear abundance of them. He had so many more than me, and I worried as I grew older I would gain more too. He fluffed up the neckband, making sure I looked as good as I could. He brushed my hair for me and cleaned up my face so I didn't look so weathered out. Despite my clear lack of energy and anxiety stirring up my heartbeat, I was exhilarated to finally get to see everyone again.

He packed up my things for me, slipping my bag on my arms. I felt like a child on his first day of school, his dad dropping him off and waving him goodbye. I walked out the door, the chill of the wintertime breeze forcing its way against my face once again. I was hoping I could never feel it again...

"You're gonna be alright."

He laid a hand on the top of my head, and I felt myself melt into his touch. My shoulders dropped along with my eyes. I just wanted to stay here, but I knew I was going to be back in no time. He walked back into the house after giving me a sympathetic smile, his eyes telling me things were going to be okay one more time. My lips quivered but the corners of my mouth rose, tucking my hands into my pocket and turning away. I did my best to remember the directions back to my school, picturing all the turns I was supposed to make.

I turned the corner, looking behind me as my house disappeared along the horizon, its brown tip of the roof slowly withdrawing. I stared at the snow beneath me, the white appearance almost being so bright it strained my eyes. After pulling over my hood to obstruct myself from the cold, I stared ahead of me, slowly making my way to the next turn.

"Tadashi?"

I froze in my place, the familiar voice sending shivers down my spine. In almost an instant I was whipped around to meet his face, nectar eyes gleaming back towards mine, tears threatening to spill out behind his blond eyelashes

"Is it really you? I'm not going crazy?" he said, smirking as a small tear fell down his cheeks. My expression wove into a heavy frown, thrusting myself into his arms. I relaxed in the warmth of his embrace, realizing just how much I had missed it. He clung to me so tight I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like I would disappear again if he let go. I buried my face into his neck, now the tears begging to spill from my eyes. Guilt washed over my cognizance, reminding myself of what I had done in the closet, how much pain I was going to put him through.

"I'm...sorry. I'm real-really s-sorry," I gasped, freezing air making its way into my lungs, eradicating my ability to accurately speak. I let my tears soak up his already sodden jacket, feeling them make their way down my numbed cheeks and down my chin to where they eventually met his shoulder. He gripped his fingers into my hair, feeling around my frame as if he was still wondering if I wasn't a fabrication of his imagination or not.

"Where have you been? You worried me to death. Not even a call or text, I stopped by your house and you weren't there. I've been staring at my messages just hoping I would see one from you, praying every day I walked into the class you'd be there sitting there. Fuck, Tadashi, don't do that to me."

I didn't reply, trying to think of all the things I wanted, needed, to say to him. Yet I couldn't conceive of a solid enough explanation, letting my hiccups pervade the silence of us and the wind. Eventually, he relaxed, his arms wrapped tightly around my waist.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, you're here now. That's all that matters. I thought I lost you. I love you, Tadashi. You know that right?"

And with those words, I finally remembered, eyes widening and the day becoming a lot more definite. The sun was beginning to rise above the skyline, stars dimming out of view to a bright yellow drenching the stratosphere.

"I know, Kei, I love you too."

I listened as he inhaled deeply next to my ear, giving me one last squeeze before letting go of me, meeting his eyes back with mine. He looked so tired, the dark bags under his eyes ostensible. How many nights had he stayed up from anxiety, waiting for me to call?

His eyebrows suddenly creased, taking my face in one of his hands and rubbing along my cheekbones.

"You look terrible. I had assumed you were sick but I didn't know it was this bad. Are you sure you're okay?"

I clenched the fist that was connected to my wounded arm. It was so tempting to tell him everything, but I had already caused him such distress, I knew this would break him. I tried giving him the same smile I always did.

"I'm okay now."

~~~~~

"Yamaguchi!" Hinata shouted, running over to me the instant he laid his eyes on me. All the other people in the hallway stared, but I'm sure they were used to his outbursts at this point. He grabbed onto my neck, bringing me down to his eye level, making me grimace. Kei pulled him off, standing in front of me like a shield.

"Don't bug him, he's been through a lot, alright. I'm sure he doesn't need your annoying voice piercing at his eardrums all the time."

Hinata peeked around him, smiling at me like he hadn't seen me in years. I tried giving him an apologetic grin due to Kei's rudeness, but he wasn't entirely wrong.

"Come on Saltyshima, just let me say hi to the guy. You're such an overprotective boyfriend."

"What's so wrong with that? Not my fault you're so shrimpy you would be a terrible defender. I'm just trying to do what's best for him, and I'm fairly certain that wasn't going to be you," he hissed, taking two fingers and jostling them in the top of his head, making Hinata crouch down in pain.

"Fine, I'll just do it whenever you're not around," he pouted, sticking a tongue out and sprinting away before Kei could make another comeback. I grasped onto the back of his jacket, unwanting to let go. I forgot how anxiety-inducing school made me, these past few days making me extremely opposed to socially interact with people. Kei pulled me closer to him, creating a barrier to protect myself from my own insecurities. I sunk deeper into his side, looking to him for a safety net. It was almost like how I felt with my father, but for some reason this was different.

With us walking in unison again after so long, I felt my heart heat up a little more.

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Me 🤝 Yamaguchi

Being oblivious to who actually loves us and who is just using us even when it's obvious

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