Chasing The Moon

Chapter 6

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Ughhhhh I hate angst blechhhh

TW: Mentions of self-harm/suicide

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I could already feel the tears swelling up in my eyes. Tsukki stepped out of the closet and I tried my best to hide my face. I hate this. I felt him sit down on the bed in front of me, he didn't do anything but I could feel his eyes.

"Yamaguchi," he started. A tear fell onto my hand and I looked to the side. I couldn't look at him. "Why do you starve yourself?" My eyes widened. I knew he would catch on one day. Now, I couldn't keep the tears back and was sobbing into my hands. We didn't say anything to each other for a long time again before I felt movement on the bed and looked up to Tsukki directly in front of me.

"Yamaguchi. Answer my question," he said, more stern this time. How was I supposed to answer something like that?

"Beca-cause...I ha-hate myself," I cried, the tears finding their way down my puffy cheeks and to the blanket I was clutching in my hands.

"Why?" I pulled the blanket up to my face and wept harder.

"I do-don't know okay! I don't know Tsukki. I w-went through some of the wo-worst times of my life...life back when I go-got bullied in mid-middle school," I stopped to catch my breath, "and I know I'm-I'm disgusting be-because of the bod-body I have and I can-can't even be with-" I stopped myself and let my whines and sobs unfurl there way out of my pathetic body. My eyes were burning and my chest felt as if it was going to collapse on itself.

"Yamaguchi," Tsukki grabbed my chin and pulled it up to face him, "you're not disgusting." I winced and let more tears fall down, down my flaming cheeks and his hands.

"Y-yes I-"

"No, you're not. Shut up," He said and I gasped, "I've never once thought you were disgusting, and I know there isn't any girl at our school who thinks so. So, if you think you don't have a chance with them you're wrong."

Except, that was the problem. I didn't wanna be with any girls at my school. I wanted to be with him. I closed my eyes and held my breath, hoping I could stifle my tears. I didn't know how to explain this feeling. Sure, Tsukki told me he doesn't think I'm gross, but I still felt terrible in my own body. I didn't wanna be in it anymore.

"I wanna die Tsukki." He let go of my face and stared at me. There. It felt nice to finally say it out loud. I wiped my eyes and cheeks and stared at the soaking blanket below me. Tsukki didn't say anything and I was almost glad. I mean, I wouldn't know how to reply to something like that either. We sat in silence for a little while before I heard something unexpected. Crying. I looked up to see tears streaming down his cheeks. I was astounded. Tsukki never cries.

"Tsukki...why are you-" I started before he turned to look at me in anger. His eyes looked more hurt than they ever have.

"Don't you ask me why I'm crying. You know exactly why I'm upset right now. You can't tell me you wanna fucking die as if I'm not going to be sad from that," he huffed. Before I could do anything, he grabbed his stuff and was out the door in the blink of an eye, leaving me in that cold room by myself. He was right...why did I say that. I remembered my mom. but I heard her go to her room so she wouldn't see him. I got up to chase after Tsukki, running down the stairs where he was still walking to grab his arm.

"Don't leave, I'm sorry Tsukki...I'm sorry," I begged and could already feel the tears slowly finding their way down my cheeks again. Why do I always have to cry? He stopped and turn around to confront me, his face still wet, and he sighed before shaking my hand off of his arm.