Chasing The Moon

Chapter 39

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B-baka! 😡

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I watched as he took his glasses off, frantically wiping his face but more tears continuously streaked down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry...I don't wan-wanna be selfish b-but I've been feeling really useless lately like I co-could have been doing something to h-help you but I haven't been, I'm just a shitty excuse for a boy-boyfriend and I'm sorry."

He rubbed his face on his shoulder, cheeks a bright red. It had been a while since I've seen Kei have his guard down like this, but...I didn't like it at all.

I don't like seeing him like this, face scrunched up in pain, doubting himself. Usually, I'm the one saying sorry, not him.

He should never have to apologize for anything.

I sat speechlessly while he buried his face in his coat, wiping away all the tears. I didn't know what to do. He was always so good at comforting me, but why can't I do it back?

I reached my hands out, moving his palms away from his face. He sniffled, meeting his eyes with mine.

"Don't cry, you're not useless at all...I'm sorry you thought that, it's my fault you do."

Yeah...it is my fault. Everything is my fault. I leaned into his chest, wrapping my arms around him.

"You just keep running away from me Tadashi...I just want you to talk to me, please."

Running away.

It was so much easier. It was so much easier to hide my problems, to keep to myself.

It was so much easier to be quiet, to suffer silently.

And maybe it is it's easier, but it's not the most plausible option. And I knew this, but I did it, over and over. Unaware of the consequences.

"Yeah...I know..."

He leaned back on the bed, keeping his arms tucked tightly around me, playing with my hair. I could hear his hiccups building up again in his chest, begging to escape, but I didn't try to tell him not to cry this time, because I know he probably needed it.

Birds chirped outside the window, singing the same song they sang, but for some strange reason, it echoed throughout the room, sounding even more beautiful than before.

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He fell asleep pretty quickly, exhaustion from crying taking over.

Both of us facing the wall, I wrapped my arms around his waist, head tucked upon his shoulder. I was so used to being the one in this position, but it was crazy.

For so long, I was the one in need of comfort, the one accepting the affection cast upon me every time I had a mental breakdown, whether it be due to my panic attacks or just my overall emotional barrier crashing down. I was the one being held, being told everything was okay.

Since I was little I was being protected, being sheltered by others and myself. I was shielded from my insecurities, always kept in check by someone braver than me, reminding me there was something worth living for.

And with my dad it only got worse, I let my intrusive thoughts distract me from reality, my absolutely shitty reality. It was my way of escaping, my way of dealing with my problems without actually dealing with them.

"If I was just dead, it will all be over."

That's what I told myself so many times. And, I still believe that, because it really does seem easier.

But, if I was the one constantly being comforted, who was there for Kei when he was at a low point?

I never even once thought about him, never thinking about how he needed me as I needed him. It was selfish of me, and I realized that.

It was so weird how holding him could make the wheels turn in my head, just holding him with our fingers just barely interlocked creating some kind of process go through my thoughts.

I realized that, as my arms were wrapped around the sleeping blond, passed out from crying, our breathing in sync, he probably needed me.

And not only that, I felt needed, I felt wanted.

Again, I know it's selfish to feel such pride in this, but my heart was lit up, more than it had been in so long. I just wanted to keep on holding him, I didn't want to be the person being taken care of anymore.

As I brushed a few small locks falling over his face, I smiled at how peaceful he looked. He had been through a lot today, no, he had been through a lot this entire week, month in fact. I had put all that burden on him.

His cheeks were a dim red, glowing under the little light left in the room. I sighed, gently setting my head on his shoulder, listening to the little breaths he let out. He was so warm, as he always was, legs tucked in between mine, covers locking us together on the bed.

How much easier would your life be if you never met me, Kei?

Probably a lot, I was quite a handful, I can admit that. I could never imagine having him talk me out of suicide, it would be too much on me, on him. I know I was the one who always took the easy route, but Kei probably needs some easy in his life too.

I smiled one more time, gently slipping my hands and legs out from his, slowly pulling the blanket over him.

I grabbed the glasses off his face with ease, setting them on the nightstand, and sighed once more, bending down to kiss his cheek. I paused as he shuffled around, mumbling something in his sleep. It would have made me giggle if I wasn't trying so hard to be quiet.

I leaned down just a little more, pecking his cheek, whispering something just barely hearable.

"You're better off without me. I love you."

And with that, I grabbed my things and stepped out the door, leaving him to have a peaceful night.

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So 🤨 I'm crying?

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