Chasing The Moon

Chapter 50

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What am I doing with my life? 51 chapters. For what? Self-fulfillment?  😕

Anyways 💫💫💫  Might wanna buckle up cuz I bet ima be crying after this chapter

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Is that...how I really feel?

What is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to feel a different way towards my father? That feels impossible yet...

why is there something stuck at the back of my throat, at the back of my mind?

"Tadashi?"

I peeked up behind my eyelashes, my hands still trembling at my chest. My feet scrapped uncomfortably against the carpet, almost as if they were begging me to just get up and leave, every mention of my father escaping my lips created a pain in my chest.

I waited for a reply, wiping off a tear streaking my jaw on my shoulder.

"Do you mind if I bring Tsukishima in here? Of course, everything you say is confidential to just me and you, so this is completely your decision. I just have a hunch that this will help ease any communication you two have been lacking lately."

I stared at her with my mouth open, eyes squinting as if I couldn't process what she was saying. My head dropped back down to my knees, letting my neck take on all the weight of it, the previously asked question still ringing in my head.

"No, that's fine," I replied, so quietly it felt like it had never even left my throat. The usual raucous creaking of her chair was now only fuzzy in my ears.

What am I supposed to say? There's not enough time to collect all my feelings. All my thoughts. 

My leg bounced anxiously as faded feet made their way into my view again, and my thoughts momentarily slowed down as the seat next to me sunk in, yet I ignored the clear presence next to me as I hastily prepared for the question I knew was befalling next again.

"Now, Tadashi. Your feelings on your dad are completely normal, in fact, if you didn't feel any of that I would be quite surprised. Yet, I can't help but feel there are some residing emotions buried beneath the surface, perhaps you just don't want to accept them, but is that only how you feel about him?"

My eyes locked on the floor below me. I could feel my body beginning to rock back and forth, searching for some kind of comforting motion, just so I knew that I wasn't completely stuck. It didn't feel right, thinking that I might have other feelings other than negative towards my father. It was only natural, right? Any human being subjected to that kind of abuse would feel hatred burning their soul. But why does hate sound so wrong? 

...

Am I safe here? 

Is it okay to think, to say, my true feelings on the matter, even if they seem so horribly wrong?

...

"No."

A short, breathy silence filled the room.

"Hm?"

I inhaled, although sharp and cold, my goal was to build up as much strength as I needed.

"...No! Of course, it's not how I f-feel. I've never had a father. All my life I've wished I could have that fath-father figure all the boys in my class use to talk about. I loved my m-mother, but it just wasn't the same. When he finally introduced himself to me, it felt wrong, but I also felt happy, a happiness different that others I've felt! When he hurt me all I could feel was confusion, because he tol-told me he loved me, and he wasn't always bad. There were times I laughed and felt at home, even after losing my m-mom, and I actually felt okay with having him around, even if he did hurt me. I always wondered, if he didn't drink, then maybe he wouldn't have hurt me, because being drunk makes you do things you can't process clearly all the time. And even after he...t-touched me like that I still couldn't make myself hate him because he just wasn't thinking straight. Every moment of the day I found myself wondering if he was really so bad, and even though I knew I needed to hate him because that was unbelievably clear his actions were terrible, part of me just wanted to give him so many chances, and it beat against my mind so much that I can't get him out of my head! I hate him, I hate him so much I really do. But I just...just wanted a dad."