Chasing The Moon

Chapter 34

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TW: Manipulation, abuse, panic attack

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I caused a lot of pain to someone I care about. I hurt him.

The thought lingered on my mind as I sat on the couch, staring at the plain wall in front of me. My dad dried my tears and fixed me up, as he always does because I always needed to be cared for. I never am able to do things for myself, because I was weak, and I knew that deep down.

I swore on my life that I would never hurt Kei, but as the images of his blood-red wrists swirled throughout my head, I felt like such a terrible, terrible person.

Like father, like son, I suppose.

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"You wanna tell me what happened?" my dad asks, holding me close on the couch. I held back more tears at the memory of this evening refilling my mind, clutching onto his shirt.

"I hurt him..."

"Who?"

I stared at the bandages around my wrists, the new white and clean ones my dad changed out for me. The wounds under them looked like they were getting better, but they still hurt every second of every day. I just wanted that pain to go away. Why didn't I just die in that closet?

"Kei. I hurt him. I wanted to do what's best for him, but I don't think that would be me."

"Well, are you sure it's not the other way around?" My dad shifted his arms on me, making sure I didn't fall off the couch, as I was starting to slouch.

"No of course not...Kei's a great person."

"Are you sure? Did he even realize what had happened? You know, what happened in the closet?"

I tucked my head away in confinement, wanting to just forget. I slowly shook my head, the pains in my throat becoming unbearable.

"See, if he really loved you like I do he would have realized something was wrong. Don't you think?"

I stayed silent, my foot tapping on the base of the couch.

Kei wasn't a bad person. Was he?

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I let myself sink in the couch, the birth of a new day being painfully unintriguing.

"You not wanna go to school today?" My dad asks, pulling a blanket over my shivering body. I shook my head in response, pulling it up to my chin.

I heard his gentle sigh as he sat down on the couch, lifting my head up and onto his lap.

Relaxing into his touch as he ran his fingers through my hair, I let my eyes droop once again, just this once letting my physical barrier down.

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"'Dashi buddy, you wanna move to your room? You keep slipping off of the couch."

My dad laid a hand on my arm, waking me up in a hazy daze. It took a while to process what he was saying, but then I finally nodded, rolling over to get in my own bed. He grabbed my arms, pulling me up, and then grabbing my hips, pulling me up to him so he could carry me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, head bobbing on his shoulder, wanting to fall asleep right there.

My arms and legs bounced as he walked up the steps, carefully opening the door so I wouldn't slip from his grip. Keeping the lights off, he walked over to my bed, laying me down delicately. I kept my arms tight on him, pulling him down to me.

"Thanks dad," I said sleepyly. I smiled whenever I felt him rubbing his hands through my hair again.

"Of course, anything for you 'Dashi."

I had felt especially numb today, but the fatherly love I had lacked for years almost made me feel better, like everything that was going on it my life swept away with the simple motion of fingers twirling around my hair.

My dad sat down on the edge of my bed, stroking my cheeks until I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. The feeling of gentle fingers gliding down my features hypnotized me, like my little mental pain could maybe, just maybe, disappear long enough so I could have a peaceful sleep.

I let my body relax, thoughts nodding off under my dads endearing touch. With a kiss on my cheek, he left the room, leaving me alone in the dark and warmth of my covers, brain finally and completely wearing down for the rest of the night.

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"You're so fucking gross!" Kei yelled, holding my cheeks tight with one hand. Salty tears made their way down his fingers, finally releasing me from his grip, face stinging with pain.

"I'm sorry..." I whined, coughing with the sobs making their way from my stomach. I bowed down, turning around to leave before being stopped by a hand on my shoulder whipping me around.

"Where the hell do you think you're going? Fuck, Tadashi, you're always running away from things!" He yelled again, face twisting in anger.

My lips quivered from his touch, understanding what he was saying but it all sounded muffled, my ears ringing. The usual love for me vanished from his eyes, hatred seeping with every word he said.

I closed my eyes, feeling his grip on my shirt finally released harshly, sending me backwards.

When I opened my eyes again I was met by blackness, but the atmosphere was different. I was in a different place, a differnt temperature and feeling.

The cloth of my blanket reminded me of where I was. In my room, my house, sleeping.

How long had it been since I've had a dream like that...? It was all too familiar but it felt like forever. My hands were shaking, breaths unsteady.

I tried standing up, but I was met by arrays of colors fielding my vision, falling to my knees. I tried feeling around, gripping the end of my bed but the numbness in my arms and hands made me slip, knocking my head on the ground.

I whined, holding my arms close to my chest, heart noticeably pounding. I could hear the clicking of my door opening, but couldn't see anything, losing track of my surroundings. I don't even feel the floor below me, like I was just falling and falling, body tingling and quivering.

Slowly, I was slipping away.

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I'm so so sorry it took so long to update 😢😖😖 I've not been in a good mental spot lately, but I've been trying to get this out for you. Thank yall for waiting for me 😖😖💚

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