Chasing The Moon

Chapter 4

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"T-Tsukki..." I hiccuped out, regretting it. I didn't want him to see me in here crying. I probably looked disgusting. But I wanted to see his face, to hold him in my arms.

"Are you okay? Open the door." I hesitated for a second, before reaching up to unlock it. He dropped to his knees in front of me, the tears still wrapping themselves across my face. "Why are you crying?" I had trouble thinking of an excuse, but even if I did come up with one, I was gasping and crying too hard to get out a full sentence. I looked down to avoid his gaze. He pulled me towards him and hugged me, which only made me cry harder. I hugged him back, burying my face in his shoulder. I didn't even care that I was probably soaking his shirt.

We sat there in that stall for a couple of minutes before my crying slowed down, and I felt good enough to talk again. He still stayed silent, not letting go of me. Luckily, he couldn't see my blushing face, and I tried making conversation.

"How did things go with Tanya?" I'm so stupid. I don't want to know that. He didn't reply for a while and I got worried.

"I already told you I wasn't interested, so I told her to fuck off." I jumped and looked at him. We both stared at each other before I lost it in laughter. I fell forward with my forehead on Tsukki's chest, giggling at thinking about him telling her to leave him alone. "Come on." He let go of me and held out his hand. I smiled at him and grabbed it, him helping me up off the ground.

We walked back into the cafeteria, acting as if nothing had happened, but lunch was already over and everyone was packing up. Well, guess I got out of that. Back in the classroom, I could tell Tanya was mad. I avoided any type of eye contact with her, and Tsukki did too. I could feel her eyes digging in the back of our heads. Before, I barely acknowledged her existence, but now it was almost impossible to not. She sat on opposite sides of the class of us, yet even being in the same room as her made me anxious.

As soon as class was over I avoided her, making sure to leave well after she did. Tsukki and I went through our regular day like normal, Hinata and Kageyama fighting, needing help in my classes, listening to music during our breaks.

Sometimes Tsukki would let me listen to his music with him. I thought about how we could do this if we're dating, I could cuddle up next to him and kiss to the music. While he sat there with his eyes closed, I cherished his sight as always. His eyelashes were the same blonde as his hair, his lips the lightest shade of pink, the glow on his cheeks radiated. I wondered if his cheeks were soft, if his lips were soft. I wanted to reach over and hold his face in my hands, giving him gentle kisses all over and telling him how much I loved him. And I could if I wanted to, but I wouldn't get that same affection back. He was like the moon, and I was like the sun. So close, yet so far apart. They both filled each other world with what was necessary for living, but anything more would be disastrous. Things were content at "in-between" and it was enough for me if it meant he was in my life.

In the middle of my daydreaming, the bell rang and made me jump. We were outside, sitting by my favorite Sakura tree. I guess neither one of us heard the first bell ring, because there was no one outside with us anymore.

"Ah, Tsukki! We're late!" I began to stand up, but Tsukki stayed sitting with his eyes closed. "Tsukki...? Are you asleep?" He barely opened his eyes, little pecks of honey glowed underneath his lids.

"Let's just skip. I'm tired." Tsukki closed his eyes back and played a different song. He sometimes asks me to skip class with him, but I always refused it, saying his grade depended on it. But today, I felt at peace. I didn't wanna ruin this moment, so I sat down next to him and stared at the Yamazakura petals in front of us. They were falling from the slight breeze, yet there were less of them since it was nearing December. The little zephyr made Tsukki's hair flow, he looked like he was modeling for a magazine. How beautiful. I don't know how I was so lucky enough to have him.

-

It was growing ever so colder as the day dragged on. We stayed by that tree until we were watching everyone leave to go home and after. It was ironic, I went from the worst day to the best. We didn't even have to talk to each other, the silence was enough as long as we were together. 

I was unaware of what time it was before I got the urge to check. 5 pm...

"It's five already!?" I jumped up to show Tsukki. I hadn't realized, I was so lost in my own world. My mom was going to be furious, if she was even home yet, that is. I knew that Akiteru or his mom didn't mind much if Tsukki was home late, but my mom was more strict about things like that. I hopped up quickly, Tsukki moving more slowly and I jogged in place hoping he would hurry. 

"You're gonna be fine Yamaguchi," he groaned at me. I still wasn't convinced and on the walk back to my house I was anxious the whole time. Upon arrival, my stomach dropped. There was my mom's car in the driveway. Why did she have to come home early on the day I never wanted her to? I paced back in forth. I couldn't sneak past her, she was always in the living room. Tsukki stood there, calm as if nothing was happening. I stood to face him, my heart pounding and face scrunched with distress. 

"Could we sneak you through the window of your room?" He questioned. I relaxed suddenly. Why didn't I think of that? I ran behind the house. Even though my room was on the second floor, I could probably reach it, right? 

Wrong. Higher than I thought.

I began pacing back in forth again, muttering to myself. 

"I'll just lift you, stop pacing, you're freaking me out." He chuckled at his own joke and got underneath where the window was. Was he even strong enough to lift me? No. No time for questioning everything. We're in a rush. I walked over and grabbed on his shoulder and a foot in one of his hands, ready to jump. With his other, he grabbed my thigh and I let in a sharp inhale, blushing. Why'd he have to do that right now? It's distracting. On the count of three, he lifted me up and I jumped, reaching the edge of the window seal. He pushed my feet up and I opened the window, falling inside with a thud. Well, that was eventful. I looked back down at him, smiling and waving. He gave me a thumbs-up before walking off and I watched him disappear down the road. I sighed and slowly went down-stairs, trying to pretend as if I didn't just sneak through the second-story window of my house with the help of my crush. 

"Heyyy Mom," I said, more awkward than I was intending it to be. 

"Oh hi Dashi, I forgot you were even home, you were so quiet," she chuckled. Right. "Have you eaten?"

"Yeah, don't worry mom, I did before you got here," I lied and quickly walked back up to my room. I didn't need an interrogation. I thought about texting Tsukki, but I decided against it, and instead sat on my bed and listen to the playlist Tsukki had made. I always thought that would be a cute couple thing, or in our case, a cute friend thing, although, he made it for himself. My music taste was, and I quote, "terrible" so Tsukki let me have his playlist so I could listen to "What good music sounded like." Every time I think about it I laugh. I could admit it though, he had excellent music taste, but then again, if Tsukki says it's good, it probably is. 

I laid there on my bed for hours listening happily to his music. It left time for good daydreaming, which I did every night. Sometimes I told myself that I was letting my own hopes up. But, I think everyone has imagined themselves with the person they loved before. It was only natural. When you love someone, you wanna be with them every second of the day. And I loved Tsukki more than anyone in the world. 

I wish he loved me how I did him. I really do. 

And that's what caused this happy moment to hurt. The tears streamed down the edges of my face into my hair and on my bedsheets. I wish I had never fallen in love with him, it was amazing yet it hurt more than anything else. I wished I could think about someone else for once, I wished I could stop feeling such admiration for someone I know I will never have. I wished I was born in another body, a body that someone could love. A personality someone could love.

I sobbed into my pillow. I didn't wanna feel such pity for myself, but I can't help it. 

I love him.

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