Chasing The Moon

Chapter 36

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（〜 ^∇^ )〜 Here you go my little rats

TW: attempted suicide

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I can't get the feeling of his hands off of me.

I trembled in my bed, trying to whisk away the feelings of fingers slithering up my legs, the pains in my stomach adding to my nauseating headache.

I pulled my blanket up to my head, begging my brain to stop replaying the moment over and over, but all I could think of were our hips clashing together, the anguish I felt in my entire body. Every time I thought of his face I shuddered, his hair swaying back and forth in a hypnotic replay in my memories.

I thought I felt something on my back, quickly sitting up and launching the blanket to the side, expecting to be met by my dad's merciless grin.

But, there was no one there, my imagination was playing tricks on me. As I stared at the other side of the bed, I held my hand to my mouth, the urge to throw up much too sudden and familiar.

Leaping out of bed, legs trembling as I sprinted to the bathroom, I threw open the door, the slamming of the handle against the wall making me wince.

I sat my hands on both sides of the seat, my stomach churning, but nothing would come out. I fell to my knees, slamming my fists against the hard porcelain in frustration.

I wanted, no need, to get it out. I needed to get his touch off of me, I needed my senses to disappear so I couldn't feel anything.

The singular thought of Kei passed my mind, about how the first time he caught me throwing up he comforted me to where I could feel relaxed for once, I could feel safe.

But right now, I would be reluctant to even see him, for him to see me. How would he feel if he found of my dad did that to me? That my dad touched me like that. He'd think I was disgusting. Repulsive.

And that's what I was. There was no denying it. I had so many things wrong with me I had lost track. I starved myself but got so focused on my mother and father I didn't even remember, my mental state slowly crumbling under the continuous circumstances that led up to now. It was just one thing after another, each one adding to my excessive suffering. So many things went wrong in such a little time I didn't get the chance to fix the previous one, stacking up like legos before tumbling down in one quick motion.

My tears falling in the water bowl filled the silence of the room, little drops falling one after another in a synchronistic pattern as if they were planned out.

Seemingly to have forgotten about my need to puke, I slowly stood up, pains shooting through my lower back. I peeked out the door with my head nodded to the side, my father's bedroom right across it.

I smirked, shutting the door and locking it, hands trembling as they slipped off of the cold metal handle. I glared at my reflection in the mirror, the one dusty and blurry from lack of cleansing.

The rustic appearance distorted my features, making me groan at the sight. My hair was falling down my cheeks and forehead, sticking up in all directions, but the dark grin tint was the clearest. I rubbed a hand across my cheekbones, my fuzzy eyes in the reflection almost convincing me it wasn't me looking back. My eyelids drooped so heavy it didn't even look like I was getting a wink of sleep, dark circles tracing under my eyes.

Why the hell did I have to look so much like him?

It really was repugnant. I reminded myself so much like him yet I prayed I would never turn out like him.

Oh well, I don't need to worry about that, because I never will.

I opened the creaky mirror door, studying the disheveled medicine cabinet. There were so many over-the-counter bottles, but I'm sure one, or even more, would be enough.

I scooped up a couple in one hand, not even taking a glance at the labels before popping off the lids, shaking the little pills inside.

I really just needed something to numb me, but if I overdosed I wouldn't mind one bit. In fact, it was the preferred option.

Staring back at the wooden door, I focused on my dad's image of him probably laying in his room right now, not even a smidge of guilt about what he did to me. Flipping him off through the walls, I turned back to the contents, pouring countless in my hand before taking a deep breath. My eyes wandered over the small tablets in my palm, almost teasing for me to just take them.

I shakily inhaled again, but right now, I wasn't scared. No, I was exhilarated. It was a lot to ask for this attempt to be successful, but I think I deserve a little self-indulgence right now. I gripped the capsules in my hand before bringing them to my lips, the dry texture making them stick to my tongue. I stuck my head under the sink faucet, turning it on to get water, cold liquids streaking down my cheeks and ears, soaking my hair. I pulled away, wiping my mouth and leaning back on the wall behind me, slowly sinking down it.

I suddenly questioned if I had taken enough, the temptation to pour more in my hands knawed at my thoughts. Waiting for them to kick in, I leaned my head on the wall, staring up at the lights above me. They always were so bright, making me wince, but this time I let the rays hit my eyes, unaffected as tears streaked down my cheeks.

I flinched whenever I heard a knock on the door, a gentle one that for a second made me question who it was.

"Tadashi, you in there?" A deep voice boomed, making me groan. I stood up reluctantly, opening the door for him.

"You alright?"

I nodded, following behind him as he led me to my bedroom, his assumption that I was simply just in the bathroom making me chuckle on the inside. He didn't have an idea what was going on, and I took some pride in finally having something only I knew.

I stared at his back, my fingertips starting to tingle and I felt hazy, his figure fading in and out of focus. Blinking slowly, I paused, holding onto the wall next to me. I caught a quick glimpse of my dad turning to me as my entire vision went black, thoughts suddenly and hopefully finally coming to a halt.

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free therapy 😋✨

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