Chasing The Moon

Chapter 7

~~~~~

😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏

TW: Mention of self-harm (near the end)

~~~~~

I barely made it down the street before I fell to my knees, crying. Why would he kiss her? I thought he didn't like her like that. I dug my nails into the hard concrete, letting the tears soak it up beneath me. I clung to my chest, my heart was aching. Was this what it felt like to have your heart broken? It feels worse than what I had imagined. I had imagined crying, but this crying was shakey and ugly. Every time I wiped my eyes more tears found their way down my cheeks. Eventually, I gave up and let them fall, my face and neck felt like I had just dumped buckets of water down them. The choking sobs made it hard to breathe as if I was suffocating, and I bit my lower lip hoping I could force myself to calm down. But it didn't work, and I stared off into the infinite sky, the stars glowing with occasional gasps and hiccups coming escaping from my mouth. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, my lip quivering as if I was about to start crying all over again. And I wanted to. I wanted to scream and punch the ground. I wanted to yell at Tsukki and Tanya for doing this to me. Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why couldn't it have been someone else?

I stood up and stumbled my way home, the tears still slowly streaming down my face. I didn't even wanna go inside. I wanted to sit in the cold. It made my tears dry faster. I wouldn't wear down as easy. But, reluctenly, I opened the door to the dark and silent living room. I dropped my bags down, not having enough energy to carry them up with me, and slowly made my ways upstairs. I didn't even bother turing on my light, and I plopped down in my bed, closing my eyes. I felt numb, my eyes were burning from the saltly tears and cold air. I checked my phone, which displayed missed messages from Tsukki. I didn't reply, I don't want to talk to him right now. I just wanted to sleep, preferably for the rest of my life. I wanted to stop existing.

The dim moodlight shone through my window into my room, showing the pictures of Tsukki and me and the homework we spend hours on sprawled out on my desk. My vision was clouding over again, and I felt a couple tears run down my face, across my nose and onto my pillow. I didn't even care that I was drenching it, making it cold on the side of my face. I didn't care that my shoes and wet shirt were still on. The only thing on my mind was Tsukki. But since when isn't he?

That night, I fell asleep crying, wondering what had changed in those few hours since lunch and the end of practice.

~~~~~

When I woke up, my eyes burned, and I could barely open them. I knew this feeling all too well, the sense of swollen eyes and waking up feeling terrible. But this one came with a feeling that I probably couldn't explain with words. I tried convincing myself to get up. I didn't want to skip school, but I couldn't face Tsukki. I didn't wanna see her. So, I stayed in bed.

Self-pity sure was feeble. Then again, a lot of things I did were pathetic.

Eventually, I got myself to get up and change from yesterdays clothes. I rummaged through my closet when I caught a glance at the hoodie Tsukki gave me. I felt a lump in my throat before picking up and staring at it. My eyebrows creased as I bit my lip, pulling it over my head. It still smells like him. I sat back down on my bed, grabbing a thick blanket and wrapping it around my entire body. I couldn't motivate myself to do anything else, so I just relaxed and shoved my head inside the heated covers. I had a headache from the excessive crying, and the quite made it much more noticeable, but I'm sure sound would make it worse.

Interupting my thoughts, my mom came in the room. I always get surprised, since I can never figure out her work schedule, and I think she was surpised too. I poked my head out from the blankets. Her face twisted with worry.