OBLIVIOUS REDEMPTION

CHAPTER 48: Down The Rabbit Hole

~The tragedy in a man's life is what dies inside of him while he lives~

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Yasmeen

I left my office earlier than usual today and I decided to take a walk to clear my mind before heading home.

Crossing the street, I was hit head-on by a brutal loneliness. I felt dark and hollow. Abandoned, unnoticed, forgotten, unloved. I stood on the sidewalk, a nothing. People hurried past me, and everyone who walked by was happier than I. I felt the old envy, I would have given anything to be one of them.

The thing is, You fall in love, it's intoxicating, and for a little while you feel like you've actually become one with the other person. Merged souls, and so on. You think you'll never be lonely again. Only it doesn't last and soon you realize you can only get so close and you end up brutally disappointed, more alone than ever, because the illusion, the hope you'd held on to all those years has been shattered.

The bottom line is, we never fall for the person we're supposed to.

Ahmad is selfish, selfish beyond words. I know that he haven't the nerve of a rabbit, I know he is a liar and a humbug, I know that he is utterly contemptible. My face was on a sudden distraught with pain, The tragic part is that notwithstanding, I love him with all my heart

The feeling of loving him and being loved by him welled up in me, and I could taste the adrenaline in the back of my throat, and maybe it wasn't over even though I am his number ten, and maybe I could feel his hand in mine again and hear his ailing, brash voice contort itself into a whisper to say I-love-you as if it were a secret, and an immense one.

I miss that feeling of connection. Knowing he was out there somewhere thinking about me at the same time I was thinking about him.

Maybe I have watched way too many telanovelas and romantic movies but I wanted to end up with a guy who sends me good morning messages, who calls me beautiful everyday, who would call me back when I hang up on him.

The one who will stand in front of me when other's cast stones, or will stay awake just to watch me sleep, who wants to show me off to the world even when I am in sweats, who will hold my hand when I am sick, The one who thinks I am pretty without makeup, the one who turns to his friends and say, "that's her"

The one that would bear my rejection because losing me means losing his will to live, who kisses me when i screw up, who watches the stars and name one after me, who will hold and rock our future babies for hours so I can sleep. I will marry that man over and over again, and I would chose him a thousand times over. That was the person I thought Ahmad was, but I made a terrible mistake

Later that evening, I came home and found Ahmad's phone laying on the couch. I gave into temptation and went through it

I saw his chats with so many girls, I picked randomly and went through them. I couldn't read one conversation to the end, because I was in a hurry to read them all. And time is not on my side

One of the conversations goes like this:

Ahmad: Hello dear

Zainab: Hi, how was your day?

Ahmad: Long and boring without you by my side

Zainab: 😂 why are you telling me this now? Where is your wife?

Ahmad: She's not home, when should I come and collect my cake?

Zainab: whenever you are ready