OBLIVIOUS REDEMPTION

CHAPTER 87: I See The Light

~Sometimes, It takes a heartbreak to shake us awake and help us see we are worth so much more than we are settling for~

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Yasmeen

I woke up to the terrible news of Ameenu's called off engagement. Looking at the place where I and Ahmad are right now, I think it's for the best. At least he wouldn't bring an innocent life into his own only for him to ruin it

I realized how truly hard it is, to see someone you loved change right before your eyes. Not only is it scary, it throws your balance off as well.

I guess life is just a slide, back and forth between loving and leaving, remembering and forgetting, holding on and letting go.

What a turnout of events, I thought. At the beginning of life was the end of another, at the highest point of joy was the beginning of the worst pain a human being could ever go through. It was simply the mystery of birth and death.

Right now, I want a word that describes the feeling that you get, a cold sick feeling, deep down inside, when you know something is happening that will change you and you don't want it to, but you can't stop it. And you know, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after, a was and a will be. And that you will never again quite be the same person you were.

You can obsess and obsess over how things ended, what you did wrong or could have done differently, but there's not much of a point. It's not like it'll change anything. So really, why worry?

"Hang in there" I told myself, as I got out of bed to perform one last duty as a wife to Ahmad. I made tea and breakfast for him, then I had a shower

I was doing my makeup when he called me. As I approached him, I knew it was time to say goodbye. I wanted a long goodbye hug, but he quickly gave me his hand.

I knew it was goodbye forever for me, but he thought I would return until he decides to send me away again.

I press my small hand between his large ones and linger a moment, We just stared at each other for a little while. So much time had passed since our eyes last met, So much had changed.

When I looked at him, I felt so sad, because this thought occurred to me: "I will never look at him the same way again. I'll never be that girl again. The girl who comes running back every time you push her away, the girl who loves you anyway. He gave and then he took away. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, the familiar ache, that lost, regretful feeling only he could give me. I never wanted to feel it again. Never, ever.

If I was very brave, I would tell him. I would say it out loud, so he would know it and I could never take it back. But I wasn't that brave, so all I did was look at him and whisper to myself:
"I release you. I evict you from my heart"

"Good bye and safe journey, call me when you reach your destination" he said gleefully

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I let his hand go, He turned away so quickly like he is afraid I would suck him back in, I watched him walk out the door. I quickly went to the balcony and stood there, watching his car drifting away, one last time

There was silence, Such silence has an actual sound, the sound of disappearance.

He left that morning, his last words still echoing in my head. One of the most difficult things I have ever done was watch him turn away and leave while I stood in the living room in complete and utter darkness

I ached with loss that I had never allowed myself to feel, As if I was leaving something important behind. And that something was me.

It's sad that when someone you used to love and lived with says goodbye, you can stare long and hard at the door they closed and forget to see all the doors God has open in front of you.