OBLIVIOUS REDEMPTION

CHAPTER 51: Anonymous

~Sometimes you face difficulties not because you're doing something wrong, But because you're doing something right~

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Yasmeen

Denial is the lid on our emotional pressure cooker, The longer we leave it on, the more pressure we build up. Sooner or later, that pressure is bound to pop the lid, and we have an emotional crises. And that which is denied, cannot be healed.

At this very moment, I feel lost, I feel nothing. I feel trapped inside and locked outside of myself at the same time

I decided to let myself fall and break, for If I desire healing, I'm gonna have to let myself fall ill.

I lived my grief, I slept mourning and ate sorrow and drank tears. I ignored all else.

I have slept most nights crying on my pillow When my soul felt incomplete. And then I made my soul understand that I cannot have everything in life. Something has to be incomplete in my life to make me understand life. We don't begin to live life by having everything. We begin to live life when we have something missing and yet we find meaning in that existence

I was a ray of sunshine, a warm summer rain, a bright fire on a cold winter's day, and now I have almost lost myself because I had fallen in love with a soulless monster

I have faced horrors in these past weeks, I don't know which is worse. The terror I felt the first time I started witnessing such things, or the numbness that comes after it starts to become ordinary.

Sometimes the idea of living as a hermit appeals to me. No demands, no needs, no pain, and no disappointments. Maybe it's because I have been hurt, I am worn out.

But the splendid thing about falling apart silently is that, you can start over as many times as you like. And the only good thing about sadness is that nobody is jealous of it.

I decided to get out of bed and try doing something I haven't done in a while, to survive, to live, to stop being a heartbroken idiot.

I took a cold shower to reawaken my senses, I stood by the mirror and stared at myself. My eyes were dark, almost black, filled with pain. I had let someone do that to me. I had known all along that I felt things too deeply, but I became attached. I knew that I didn't want a husband who could hurt me and walk away from me, because I could never do that. I cannot love someone completely and survive intact if he left me.

Life gave me a tragedy that burned everything I knew to the ground. But somehow, I know that if I really wanted to, I could learn how to hold my breath as I make my way through the smoke left in its wake and I could keep going. And maybe, just maybe, I could grow something beautiful from the ashes that were left behind.

While I was broken, Ahmad became the happiest man on the planet, he fed on my misery and gloated, he laughed and rejoiced. But it looks like I have cut his joy too short and by the way he is looking at me, I know he is not going to forgiving me for it

"I hope you will go out today" he said, as soon as our eyes met. Clearly pissed that I feel and look much better, That I am digging myself out of the hole he has buried me in

"No" I answer through a yawn. It takes a certain mood to keep up with Ahmad and his bullshit, and right now I'm not in that mood.

He hissed

At this point, it looks like even my existence pains him a lot. I realize there is nothing left between us but his growing hatred towards me

"Villager, I thought you'll be more civilized when we get married, I thought you'll learn a few things from my sister habiba. But sadly, you've learnt nothing" he said

"I'm okey with the way I am, I do not wish to change anything about myself" I told him

"Why don't you fucking have a life? It's disgusting, It's not attractive at all. you need to have a life. Go out, spend the day out, go to places, I don't even mind if you come home past midnight. I do that too, even my sisters and Ummy do that. They know how to enjoy life, unlike you" he said

"You don't even have a single friend, it's such a pity" he told me

"You yourself don't have any friends, you're like a pot calling a kettle black" I said, with a sarcastic laugh

"I would have introduced you, or maybe go out with you sometime to meet my friends. But I know you cannot relate with them, your way of thinking is different from ours. And your beliefs are ridiculous and shallow. Plus you always wear your veil in such a way that it covers your hair completely and it irritates me. You cannot even wear mini skirts, you're hopeless" he retorted

To me, that wasn't a threat. I couldn't care less, I am not in a desperate need to meet his friends. I have come to realize that I don't want to be seen with him or associated with him anymore in the outside world, for now I know shame, and I have an idea of what he really looks like beyond the walls of this house. I don't want People to look at me like an idiot, with pitiful eyes and wonder "So this is the clueless idiot that is married to Ahmad"

Most of my friendships had faded over the last few months because I had isolated myself and hidden myself in a desperate attempt to hide the embarrassment of my daily life. But of course, he has no idea.

I push people away, when people tell me they want to come and check up on me, I lied and said I was busy.

I was busy, but not in a way most people understand. I was busy taking deeper breaths. I was busy silencing irrational thoughts. I was busy calming a racing heart. I was busy telling myself I am okay.

Sometimes, this is my busy and I will not apologize for it.

The atmosphere was tense and dull, So I decided to go check the mail instead of just sitting here, staring at the one person that has dedicated his life to making mine miserable.

I opened the mail box, and was shocked to find a single red rose lying inside. Beneath it was a note that read: "To Yasmeen, From your secret admirer".

I picked up the rose and the love letter drifts to the floor. It landed between my feet, the red heart on the envelope smiling up at me.

I slowly picked it up and opened it. Then I read it

"Hey Beautiful

The first time I saw you, my heart fell. The second time I saw you, my heart fell. The third time, fourth time, fifth time. and every time since, my heart has fallen.

I stared at you Yasmeen.
You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body, the way you walk, smile, laugh, the way your cheeks drop when you're mad or upset, the way you drag your feet when you're tired. Every single thing about you is beautiful.

When I see you the world stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops and it is a beautiful place and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you.

When you're gone, the world starts again, and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best thing I've ever known or ever felt. And that, beautiful Girl, is why I stare at you from afar.

Love, Anonymous ❤️

I felt as if there were butterflies in my stomach. I was thrilled, but also a little nervous and scared.

I quickly folded it and put it back where I picked it up, With my heart pounding wilding against my rib cage.

But then I picked it up again. I took it home with him and tucked it somewhere under my bed

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