OBLIVIOUS REDEMPTION

CHAPTER 25: The Pity Party

~Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality~

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Aaliyah:

Self-pity is spiritual suicide. It is an indefensible self-mutilation of the soul, but It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are finished.

Self pity has become my oxygen, But I have learned to breathe it without a gasp. So, nobody even notices i'm hurting.

I have learned to walk in the rain and cry with it. To rise with the sun and set with it. To bloom with the rose and fall with it.

These days, I don't really want anyone's company apart from Kim's and more often than not, I just want to be alone.

I like living in my head because in there, everyone is kind and innocent. Once you start integrating yourself into the world, you realize that people are nasty, mean creatures. They're worse than zombies. People try to crush your soul and destroy your happiness, but zombies just want to have a little nibble of your brain

I never realized how empty my life could become until I had Ammar in it, He did that to me. He said I wrecked him, but he completely destroyed me. Everything was fine when I was alone. When I didn't have to feel or think or care about someone else. Sure I was not the happiest person on earth, but I was okay. Now, I'm anything but.

I just remembered It's Laundry day, I headed to the laundry room when I got back from my daily walk which is secretly my little therapy.

The laundry room contains a large capacity LG steam washer and dryer, built in ironing board, steamer, clothes folding table, and storage for boots and coats. Nearby is a powder bath with a single vanity, toilet, and shower.

When I entered the room, I found out that Walter has already done the laundry before he left for church. I picked it up so that I could put everything in it's rightful place.

I started with Ammar's room, I opened the drawer and got to work. When I was done with the first drawer, I opened the next one and I saw something that made my blood boil... I saw a lady underwear in his drawer.

I didn't know when I screamed out his name "AMMAR"

"What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you screaming" Ammar asked, as soon as he stepped into the room

"Whose underwear is this?" I asked

"It's none of your business. Is that why you're shouting?" He asked

"Yes, this is not my underwear and I'm sure it's somebody else's" I said, with disgust and pure anger evident in my voice

"Yeah, and so?" Ammar said, giving me a death glare

On hearing that, shock took over my body and all I could do is cry. I have turned into a cry baby, always trying to cry away my worries

"I'll keep my promise, you'll never know happiness in this house" Ammar said, bringing me out of the shock

"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked

"Because I am a man, and whatever I don't get at home, I get it elsewhere, from someone else and that's not selfish" He replied while laughing at my misery

I raised my hands and prayed to God to ease my suffering with tears rolling down my eyes like an open tap.

"You can cry until there's nothing wet left in you. You can scream and curse until your throat rebels and ruptures. You can pray all you want, and still it makes no difference. This goes on with no sign as to when it might stop, and you know that if I ever did relent, it would not be because I care" Ammar said and he walked away with a satisfied look on his face, thinking that he has won a battle.

Guys always think tears are a sign of weakness. They're a sign of FRUSTRATION. Women only cry so they won't cut their husband's throat in his sleep.

This is one of those times when you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place. I guess that's what disappointment is, a sense of loss for something you never had.

I felt Angry. And anger is a paralyzing emotion, you can't get anything done. I use to think it's an interesting, passionate, and igniting feeling. But I don't think it's any of that anymore. it's helpless, it's absence of control and I need all of my skills, all of the control, all of my powers. Anger doesn't provide any of that, I have no use for it whatsoever right now. A heart filled with anger has no room for love

When I first came to this house, I promised myself never to think about My ex boyfriend "Jake" again, I made myself a rule. By shutting that part of my life into some deep corner of my mind, I am protecting myself. Being numb was better than feeling pain anyway

I was willing to let go of the last thing that reminded me of jake, that reminds me that he has ever existed. But with incidents like these, It only makes me miss him even more. Which makes it impossible to forget him.

He was my soul mate, We were another version of bonnie and Clyde.

Jake is an artist, The hottest artist I have ever laid eyes on. I and jake were planning to settle down soon, build a home and start a family of our own when he hits the jackpot

We were planning to sell one of jake's art works to the National museum. It is a masterpiece and he got his inspiration from a picture I sent him when I was visiting my home town. It's a painting of a rural settlement with two local wrestlers surrounded by a group of people cheering them.

Jake was an outgoing person with a lot of friends, One of his best qualities that got me head over heels is his ability to accept the truth even if it's not in his favor.

If personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures, then there was something gorgeous about jake, some heightened sensitivity to the promises of life, as if he were related to one of those intricate machines that registered earthquakes ten thousand miles away.

I never saw myself living a life without Jake in it, We loved with a love that was more than love. We had so many plans, so many goals and so many dreams we thought we would achieve.

I wiped out my tears and pushed the thoughts away. I pretended everything was okey because That's what a good wife does, She keeps her dreams alive even when she doesn't believe anymore

Plus I do not want my kids to ask me one day "What is love?" And I will look at "Ammar" their father, my spouse and remember my ex boyfriend "jake". For to me, jake is the definition of love. Too bad we were not destined to be together.

Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.

I quickly picked up my phone and called the office. I called off the six months leave of absence I took before my wedding. I'll be resuming work on Monday, I've never been this excited about work until today.

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