If It Is You (Y.Jw) [Sequel]

If Jiyeon Didn't Debut (4)

The cursor hovered above the video file on the computer, as Jungwon silently sat and chewed on his bottom lip. It was one simple email, with only one video file and a short message in it.

'Jiyeon-ie asked for me to send you this file if she was to pass. She said no one but you are allowed to watch it. My sister loved you a lot and I hope you know that as you're fighting through this period as well.

-Choi Jiseok'

Jungwon let out a small sigh before pulling his duvet tighter around him and hugged his pillow tighter, for a short moment imagining that it was Jiyeon that laid in his hold. How he wished to be able to hold her once more.

"She wanted me to see it... she did," Jungwon muttered to himself before pulling in a deep breath and clicking on the video file.

When the video file opened it took a few seconds to load, making Jungwon get enough time to quickly pull in a deep breath and lean his chin on the pillow in his hold. His eyes immediately glazed over as Jiyeon's face appeared on screen as she started the video and leaned back against the pillow behind her. She was smiling and waving, making Jungwon close his eyes tightly at the reminder of how her smile looked. Even know when she had a tube taped to her cheek and going up through one of her nostrils, she looked beautiful as ever.

"Uhm... hello," Jiyeon spoke on the video making Jungwon smile softly before he opened his eyes again and looked at her, "I'll ditch this for some time," Jiyeon excused and held an oxygen mask in her hand, placing it to the side and out of frame, "so... Jungwon-ah."

"Ji," Jungwon nodded at the screen with a small smile as Jiyeon clapped her hands together.

"I recently told you that I had gotten pneumonia... and you weren't that happy by that, and I promised you I would be fine and recover soon," Jiyeon stated making Jungwon remember how he had cried after that phonecall, he had felt so guilty about not being able to be there when she was feeling bad, "uh... truth is... that same day... no night... that same night I was... I was rushed to the hospital, I'm just gonna be straight up and honest with you right now," Jiyeon sighed as she scratched the side of her nose, the opposite side of where her feeding tube was, "I know I look fine and fresh right now... uhm as you know, I'm good at faking it. Reality is... that once I finish filming this video I will be too drained to do anything for the rest of the day. And obviously, I can't eat myself," Jiyeon let out a small laugh as she pointed to her feeding tube, "or breathe for longer times myself," she added on and held up her oxygen mask, "and I... right now I don't see myself getting better and I feel so guilty for it."

"It's not your fault, it'll never be your fault," Jungwon muttered as he watched Jiyeon intently on the screen. She was sitting silently in her spot as she slowly nodded and lifted her head again to smile.

"But, that is irrelevant, I had another intent with this," Jiyeon stated, "I wanted to tell you some things, in case I am to not survive this which I'm afraid I won't. But I can't tell you that right now... you're working hard and I know that, so I won't bring any needless sorrow yet. But I wanted to say a few things. Uhm... I guess first one, I love you," Jiyeon let out a small laugh, "I suppose you already know that... I hope you already know that. I have to be honest and say I was really excited to go to you for Christmas and get moved there in February... I was actually. I am really excited to get married to you, and I hope I get to make it. I just... I'm glad you were my first and last boyfriend, the best one I could ever ask for, I hope you know that. Even though we had some communication problems over time due to the distance between us."

"I still loved you, every second of it," Jungwon sighed as he cocked his head to the side and stared at the screen in awe, "and I will continue to do so."

"Secondly... ah... what was it... right... I have one rule if the situation is so that you'll end up getting this video sent to you. I don't... I don't want you to cry over me, even though I know that's not gonna be possible for you. I could imagine you would sit with tears on your cheeks this exact moment, and you most likely haven't noticed," Jiyeon let out a small snort as Jungwon raised a hand to one of his cheeks and patted it softly, only to realize she was in fact right at how he had tears rolling down his cheeks without him knowing, "which is fine. I just don't want you to cry for long... maybe one day you can cry, but then I don't want any more crying! If you cry more than one day I will haunt you to the rest of your days Yang Jungwon," Jiyeon warned with a wide grin.

"Been a week by now, so I guess you're around," Jungwon snorted as he used the back of his hand to dab away the tears in the corners of his eyes, "can you just come replace this pillow then?"

"Thirdly, I want you to, I want you to move on," Jiyeon stated, "if that means you dating another girl, I want you to do that. If it means that you throw out my things, that you have, I want you to do that. Whatever you need to do to move on, I want you to do it. I want you to continue your life as if you never met me."

"Well... that's gonna be impossible. I can never forget you," Jungwon commented with a small laugh.

"Uhm... at last... I know you wanted to see me dance my ballet or compete my gymnastics..." Jiyeon sighed, "if you want any of my videos just get in contact with my brother, he won't hesitate to give it to you. I feel that I need to make this short to make it less painful for both of us. To finish off then... I love you and I'll continue fighting through this, by imagining the life we will have together when I move in February. So I'll continue fighting so you'll never have to see this video... yeah... remember I love you and I'm so incredibly proud and impressed by everything you continue to do, and I loved you up till my very last second... bye."

Jungwon quietly watched as Jiyeon leaned forward to turn off the video, making her freeze in the start position again, of how the video started. Face all up close to the camera as a small smile rested on her face.

At that very moment something clicked inside of Jungwon's head and he finally realized what had happened. It wasn't some cute videochat he had had with her, it was her final goodbye to him. Her actual final goodbye.

A bittersweet smile slowly spread on Jungwon's face as he stared at Jiyeon's happy smile on screen. He slammed the computer shut and quickly place it on the floor before he began hitting the wall with his pillow, a small fit of rage immediately washing over him as tears began streaming down his head profusely. The eyes Jiyeon always had complimented and loved to stare at, was now crying tears for her.

He felt so mad at himself for not being able to help or be by her side, holding her hand. He wanted to hold her in his arms so badly, he wanted to kiss her lips one last time, tell her that he loves her one last time. There were so many things he wanted to do one last time, realizing he took it all for granted when he actually did all of those for the last time.

He should've hugged her for one more second, he should've pecked her cheek two more times, one each, he should've held the last kiss a bit longer, told her he loved her one extra time. He was suddenly flooded with so many regrets as he slumped back on his bed and just hugged his pillow tightly, there was so many things he wanted to redo. All he wished he could do was go back to that one day in September 2020, change her mind, make her stay and train, or he could've pulled himself from the competition if he knew what would happen if he debuted and she didn't.

Everything would've been different if that day had ended in any other way, he was sure of that.