Guardian Angel \\ l.h.\\ Luke Hemmings

Chapter Thirty Four: Attempt and Question

WARNING: If you have any suicide thoughts PLEASE refrain from reading xx
...

It wasn't my choice to wake up in the morning. In reality, I didn't want to, no matter if I had the choice or not.

My mind was still in a bit of a haze but I gained back my control of my body.

I reeked of booze and party but that didn't bother me. Because all I could think of was yesterday night. The haunting memories of Rylan's treacherous hands nearing my thighs or the cruel whispers of his friends didn't leave. The permanent feel of not being completely helpless couldn't be erased.

And then I thought about the times Rylan and I kissed, about the times he smiled, or the times we laughed. But everything was a total lie.

I knew that way deep down I didn't love Rylan. I didn't but he was someone I cared about and for some fucked up reason I still cared for him a little bit. Because he meant a lot to me and he was such a crucial part in my old life that I yearned for.

I didn't miss Rylan, no, but it was mere thought of having that crush left me like this.

Everything I had known in my life has pretty much dissipated into thin air and all that was left was nothing.

There was no point in living anymore.

I can't take it; I'm not strong enough. No matter how times I try, I just can't. My mind is tainted and there's no going back for me. I rather be happily buried underground then breathing, feeling lost in endless sea of despair.

I groggily stumbled toward the bathroom; closing the door quietly not to disturb anyone.

I was tired. The kind of tired that doesn't end. The kind of tired that only goes away with your last beating pulse.

Opening the bathroom cabinet laid bottles among bottles of pills, from sleeping to aspirin, they were all there. They were all so easily available.

I had no preference to which one I grabbed first as I disposed all of the multicolored medicine in the palm of one hand.

I sighed, this was it.

This was my last moment on this world, this was how it all ended. And strangely deep down, I wasn't sure if I was okay with it, but that didn't seem to matter right now. All it mattered was how I would get to see my dad. I would get to see his warm smile and his is ocean blue eyes that I missed. I would be able to hug him and this time he would never let go. We would be reunited and that's all that mattered.

And then maybe I would get to be with Luke as well.

We would finally be together without all the complications, without all the obstacles and all the hardships that life was throwing out at us. We would be able to hold hands without the judgement, kiss without the worry, it would just be us and that was more tempting then ever.

Just then my memory flashed back to last night when I thought I had heard his voice.

It seemed so surreal that he was there in the same room. His voice was ever most prominent but I knew that deep down, no matter how much I really wanted it to be real, it wasn't.

Maybe it was my mind playing a trick on me. Or maybe it was a sign saying Luke was waiting for me up above. But whatever it was, it just wasn't real.

It couldn't be. Not after so long.

I huffed, eyeing the white capsules in my hands. It was now or never. I carefully picked at a single one; the one that would start my inevitable death.

As the tablet was just about to enter my mouth, a hand prominently grabbed my shoulders causing to spill all the pills.

"Stop. Stop it now." I was turned to meet the blue eyes I fondly missed.

He was here; Luke was actually here, right in front of me.

Without a single hesitant thought, I wrapped my arms around him and sobbed into the white shirt that I never thought I see again. He still wonderfully smelled of vanilla and I never felt more at home then right now.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." I choked turning into an utter mess.

His arms carefully lifted me while he calmly carried me to my bedroom. He first laid me on the my bed and then sliently closed my door.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I wailed once he turned to face me.

I couldn't read his facial expression because of my clouded, teared up vision.

He crouched in front of me, swiping a few trands of fallen hair from my hair and placing them behind my hair.

"I'm sorry." I repeated, I just could not stop apologizing for breaking my promise to him.

"It's okay sweetheart, it's okay." He mumurmed, caressing my face.

"I'm-I'm sorry." This time my apology was different, I was saying sorry for everything I had done to ruin us. I was saying sorry for being so weak unable to heal quickly. I was saying sorry because I was a tornado of endless tears and emotions that Luke was probably tired of. Everything, I was saying sorry for everything,

He sighed, gracefully crouching up to set on the bed next to me. He brought toward his lap, making my legs on both sides of his body.

"Don't say sorry sweetheart, you did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. I should be the one apologizing for leaving. I'm sorry beautiful." He leaned our foreheads together, his minty breath hitting my face with every word.

It took a little while before I could finally be able to say coherent words. One of Luke's was rubbing small circles in my back while the other was tracing my hand.

When my harsh breathing ceased,I decided to bluff, "It my fault you left, I was stupid to kiss you. It meant nothing"

His eyebrows furrowed together in a look of hurt, "So this meant nothing to you?"

"Wha-" Before I could even finish my questions, his lips found his way to mine.

The same fireworks were there, but this time there was a hint of longing. All the worries and fears were washed away, he was here; he was with me.

We both had to pull away to breathe. His smile must have mirrored mine.

I laid my head back into the warm spot of his neck. His hands wrapped around my waist tighter, telling me he was going no where.

"I wish we didn't have to be like this." I absentminded mumbled. What I meant was that I wish we didn't have to be us. I wish we didn't have to be a human and an angel. I wish it could just be us, even with all the complications, at least we would always have each other.

He let out a pained sigh. A kind of sigh that is only released when you come to terms with your frustrations. "You don't remember me, do you?"

...

If you are confused, ALL will be explained next chapter