Guardian Angel \\ l.h.\\ Luke Hemmings

Chapter Fourty Three: What Was Needed

Nineteen, it's the push toward adult world, it's the time to make life changing decisions and a time to figure everything out.

But like every year, it's also the time for heartbreaks and hurt.

And this was the ultimate heartbreak.

If everything, every little sad event was just a tear to my heart this was the cause of its rip, in 2 pieces, in jagged uneven edges.

"Happy birthday." Luke whispered as if that could cure the damage.

I sniffed because I knew this was the end and who knows how much the hour glass would give us.

"I-I love you. I love you Luke." I chocked out, my last desperate attempt to have him stay.

Words had so much power, so much meaning. Maybe I could make him stay, maybe this wasn't the end for us.

I could make him stay, I just couldn't give up on us like this.

"I love you." I whispered again and Luke said nothing just tightening his grip on me.

To admit love to someone is more then just three words. There's meaning behind these three, there's trust, there's hope, there's lust; there's the want for them to be the only person you go to sleep and wake up with, there's the need to feel their skin, there's a must to feel their soul.

"I know sweetheart...I know." He kissed the top of my head but all I could think about was how much time we had left.

"You won't know how much time there is for us." Luke breathed into my shoulder, "Don't even think about it please. Just enjoy the time we have, it's all we can ask for."

"This is so unfair." I mumbled.

"I know baby I know."

...

I couldn't sleep.

No matter how many times Luke would wrap his arms around me, no matter how many times he would reassure me, no matter how many times I try to convince myself everything was okay, I couldn't sleep.

There were too many thoughts, too many worries.

All I wanted was for Luke to stay, he was everything to me.

I love him, he is my heart, he is the reason why I try, why I'm even here.

Without Luke, I'm lost in the sea of reality and I have no ship to help sail me.

And I'm terrified of what will happen without him.

What if I'm not happy?

Would I fall head first in the pit of negativity?

Would I welcome the arms of hurt?

Would I take my life?

In the months that Luke was here was me, I seen a change everyday. Even if it wasn't the largest, most blaring change, there was still a change.

And now being with him, I notice I smile more, I notice my laughter more, and I notice how happy I am getting.

There are days I still feel down and I don't completely love myself but I'm healing.

But the thing is, if healing means I lose Luke then, well, I don't want to.

If self hatred is what I have to feel to the rest of my life to have him by my side then so be it.

"Sweetheart." Luke's husky voice whispered, "it's four am, you haven't slept an ounce."

"I can't sleep." I admitted, "Too much concern."