Guardian Angel \\ l.h.\\ Luke Hemmings

Chapter Twenty One: Letter

Dear Cayden,

I haven't been always good to you, I know. This year especially was rough for us, for me. It's crazy to think that one minute, we were the dorky middle schooler with glasses who has the world before her and then suddenly I'm, you, me, us is an eighteen year old adult, whose future is in question. To be honest with myself, I don't know if I ever truly loved you. I loved your endless imagination, carefree self. I loved the way you constantly read books. I loved the way you way you smiled. Even when you were upset or angry you always smiled an it was something that many, including me, admired. But there were the things I hated about you and I still do. I hate your temper and stubbornness, why does everything have to be about you? Why is it so easy for you to snap at someone? Why do you always have to compare yourself to everyone, can't you be happy that you are even breathing? Why do you always have to block people out of your life? I hated the way you are so naive sometimes. I guess it because of this trait you find it so hard to trust people nowadays, because in the end they will always take advantage of you and they wil leave you. That's what always happens to me and I hate it. I hate how I have such high ambitions but I'm so scared of the risk. What happens if I work so hard and then everything crashes down? But what happens if I do succed and it ends up the opposite of what I thought it to be? I hate that feeling of "what if" and I hate that feeling that I don't know if everything is going to be okay. What if I end up crashing and burning? Sometimes I think it's best that I shouldn't be in this world. Sometimes I think it's best that I leave just so I don't have to experience the pain. But I can't do that, I'm scared of death, of life, of everything. I wouldn't be able to take the tears from my nanna, Uncle Dave, my mom. My conscious always tells me that there is no one there for me, but really, there are people who do love me and I can't put that pain on them, I just can't. But at the same time, I can't deal with the expectations placed on my shoulders. I don't want to be what Silvia thinks I should be, I want to be a photographer. I know it's such a struggling business, but I'm truly passionate about it. I admit, there are times when I doubt my skills because I'm simply afraid of criticism but at the end of the days, no matter how many times I try to hide my camera, I always end up looking back at my pictures on my drawer. I think it's because of my dad that I'm so enticed with photos, I think it's because it connects me with him. I also think it's why I gave it up. It wasn't such a good idea I admit because after that, I practically gave up life itself. I found little interest in anything and my lonely emotions and feelings were that of numbness and hurt. But now, I know i have to try. I have to try because if I don't then that question of what if will always be there and I will never know. I have to try because I'm tired of being in this pit of darkness and never seeing any light. I have to try because I'm ready. I'm ready to be happy. So from this day, I will try. Whether I fail or not, I will to try to be happy for me. I'm done trying to please everybody but me, I'm done taking everybody's shit. I'm doing this for me because in the end of the day it effects me the most.

Today is the day that I promise myself I will try.

Love,

Cayden

I exhaled a long breathe I had been holding back in. A hand suddenly carefully took the clipboard away from me. And I looked up to see none other then Luke.

He smiled, "Does it feel better to get everything out?"

I nodded, "Yeah it does, I feel like a whole weight is lifted from my shoulders."

"That's good, that's good." He comments as he unclipped my letter and folded the paper into a small square to stick it into his back pocket. "I'm not going to read it because it's personal. But I will give it back to you eventually." He promised.

"Now close your eyes I have a surprise."

"I don't like surprises."

"Too bad, close your eyes."

Instead of fighting, I did what I was told. Something cold and metallic was placed in my hands.

"Open your eyes." He commanded and I did so to find my camera, a Samsung NX1; the last present my dad ever gave me. I looked at Luke in confusion to which in explained:

"We're going to take some pictures today sweetheart. It's time to get back into what you love."

...

So yesterday, I know I said I was going to double update but I went to my aunts house and my phone wasn't working so I couldn't write ): But I'll double update tomorrow because this chapter was so so. xx