Toxic

Toxic: Chapter #21 | Not Yours To Bear

Zach's Present

☣ ♡ ☣

I am not one to lash out or anything but after I write those final words, I throw my pen and start sobbing.

Giana rushes over and wraps her arms around me. "Oh amati. Oh, Amore mio."

I sob into her chest as she holds me. I still ache over the accident, and I still blame myself.

Giana knew then and she knows now. "You're writing about Zoe and Zeke aren't you."

I manage to nod and that's all she needs to begin humming to me. She gently runs her fingers through my hair and it's so soothing. It grounds me in a way nothing else has ever been able to.

When Giana is holding me, it is one of the only circumstances in which I allow myself to cry until I can't cry anymore. So, that's what I start to do. I let go completely, allowing all my emotions to be expressed. Her embrace never falters or loosens. Her voice doesn't miss a single note of the song.

This time as my sobs become quieter, she starts to sing but it's not the song I mentioned before. However, the song she's currently singing is one that she has sung before. Since I will tell you about it soon anyway, I'm going to wait to share the words to it.

She holds me until long after the tears have stopped, and my body has gone limp in her arms. I have allowed that guilt to weigh on me since the moment I found out and I sit there, my heart heavy with the pain of that day.

Giana speaks in a soft voice. "You have been blaming yourself for the accident since it happened Amore mio and I know why but that guilt is not yours to bear."

I listen to her as she talks, needing to hear her reassurances. I so want to let go of the guilt. "It's shackling me My Sunflower. H-How do I let go of it?"

She doesn't say anything for a moment. I feel her hands cup my face as she looks deep into my eyes. "Guilt isn't always a rational thing. Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not. The accident was not your fault. Their injuries were not your fault. You had no way of knowing what would happen that day Zach and you cannot change the past. You can ask yourself what if I had done this or maybe if I had just done this but what ifs and maybes never did anyone any good, Amore mio. Your heart is so big, and you so desperately want to mend that which was broken but you see there is nothing to be mended because there is nothing broken.

"I'm broken," I whisper. "I'm wounded."

Giana shakes her head. "Broken maybe but not conquered. As for wounded, the only wound that hasn't healed is the wound which you inflict upon yourself sweetheart."

I look at her with tears in my eyes, several slipping down my cheeks as I take in her words. In this moment, with the love emanating from her eyes I make a decision. I forgive myself for the blame I have been placing on myself. I close my eyes and find the inner strength that she has reminded me time and again I possess. I find myself softly saying, "The guilt I have been bearing is self-placed and is not mine to bear."

Giana plants a soft and reverent kiss on my forehead.

I lean into the kiss, feeling like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. More importantly, a weight has been lifted off of my heart. I realize that the reason I was able to let go of the guilt is because of the journal. I look up at Giana, the gratitude and love for her nearly bursting from my chest. I need to know if my realization is true. "Do you think that I am able to accept that now because I have been sorting through these emotions from my past?" I whisper, feeling on the cusp of hope.

She runs her fingers through my hair and nods with a soft smile. "Yes. I believe wholeheartedly that by taking that pen and writing the past onto these pages, you are able to see through clear eyes what things you have believed that are false."

I smile at her, and she grins back before kissing me gently.

I return the kiss, deepening it only slightly. I will never get tired of kissing her. She is my everything, my all, my world and the love of my life.

Another hour later after kisses, hugs, and more reassurance I am back in my chair facing the desk.

This time I have a cup of hot tea with a dash of lemon and a spoonful of honey. I retrieve the pen from where it had settled behind a shelf when I had thrown it. I take a sip of the tea, feeling calmer as the hot liquid slides down my throat. I close my eyes, grip the pen tightly and take a deep breath. I breathe in for a count of four, hold for a count of three and breath out for a count of five. After doing this several times, I am ready to keep going. My eyes flutter open, and I bring the pen towards the journal. I turn the page and slowly begin penning the next part of my story.

☣ ♡ ☣

Italian Translations:

Amore Mio
My Love

amati
beloved