Toxic

Toxic: Chapter #50 | Calm Before the Storm

Zach's Past

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⚠️ Warning: ⚠️

This chapter contains mentions of past relationships, anxiety, dissociation, panic attacks, insecurity, bad memories, triggers and more. Take care!

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After our amazing New Year's Eve and New Year's Day in the city, we all headed back and began preparing ourselves for the next semester. In the back of my mind, I kept pondering what Mrs. Morrison and I had talked about. The night before classes started, I asked Giana if we could talk. She had everything ready for her classes and agreed. I decided that I wanted to go to The Rising Sun Library, and up to our spot to talk.

"I like that we have a place that's ours no matter where we are," she said as we settled at our spot on the second floor, the two of us sitting cross legged with our backs to the shelves.

"Me too," I said.

She sighed contentedly and then glanced over at me. "So, what's on your mind?"

For a moment I said nothing and then met her gaze. "So, I went and talked to your mom before we went to the city for New Year's."

"That was when I was working right?"

"Mhm."

"How did that go?"

I brought my knees up to my chest and loosely wrapped my arms around them. "Well, it was good. I needed some advice about getting some help, finding someone to talk to about..." I trailed off, gesturing to the side to try and encompass everything.

Giana nodded her understanding. "I'm glad you went to her. Mom's a psychiatrist herself and she's probably the best person to ask."

"Yeah," I agreed and sighed. "I asked if I could see her and she said ethics prevents that but she gave me the names of two people she works with that I could see."

"Really?" Giana asked, perking up. "Is that what you want to talk about?"

I nodded. "Y-Yeah. She um..." I trailed off once more and shrugged one shoulder. "Your mom said you know them and might have some advice on which one of them would help me the most or the best."

"I can do that so long as you make sure that whoever you choose is your choice and yours alone."

I grinned and nodded. "She said the same thing." I kissed Giana's cheek and then gave her the names I was given.

Giana took a few moments to collect her thoughts and smiled. "Well, both of them are really genuine and good people. They helped me find someone to talk to when I needed it and I know no matter which of them you choose, they'll be able to help you."

"Okay," I said, hesitating when I wanted to voice a question as to why she had needed therapy but in the end I decided not to ask. Mrs. Morrison was right when she said that Giana would tell me in her own time. I already knew about her ADHD but a part of me suspected there was more to it than that. "So, considering what I went through, who would you suggest?"

"I think it depends on whether you mind gender."

"That's fair. I honestly don't know. There's pros and cons to both, I suppose."

She nodded. "Okay. Talk it out with me. Let's go over those pros and cons."

So that's exactly what we did. I admitted to my fears about being judged for being raped since I was a guy. I opened up about a few more details of my abuse and asked how I could possibly reveal such things to a stranger let alone a female doctor. There on the second floor of The Rising Sun Library, I laid it all out for my fiancé and just like I knew she would, she listened without interruption, did not invalidate a single fear and talked me through it, asking questions here and there to make me think.