Toxic

Toxic: Chapter #33 | A Rose By Any Other Name

Zach's Past

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Despite the fact that Giana held me the rest of that afternoon, after I walked her home, I didn't see her for a few days. In fact, I didn't see her for almost a week. Alright I saw her, but we didn't hang out and I knew it was my fault or at least I assumed it was my fault. It was hard going from seeing her, speaking to her and spending time with her every day to the near polar opposite. To be honest, I spent a lot of time in my room because I wasn't sure what else to do. I still played video games with Gecko, still played catch with Boa, still played soccer with E-Z, and still played volleyball with ZuZu. I still cooked with my mom and still helped my dad balance his household accounts. I even found a website where I could pick a level of difficulty and do as many math problems as I wanted to. Now to you that probably seems boring, but it kept my mind busy and as I've said before, I love math.

One afternoon, I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom cross-legged with Zoe, my stuffed giraffe, in my lap and my fingers were idly fiddling with her tail. I was zoned out, deep in thought and didn't see ZuZu walk by, hear her knock on my doorway or hear anything she said. I had no idea she was there until she sat down next to me and nudged me. "Zorro?"

I blinked several times and looked at her, the hazy feeling fading slowly until I could speak. "Hmm?"

She could tell my mind had been elsewhere and softly asked, "What's going on in that mega mind of yours?"

I looked down at my giraffe and sighed only able to say, "Her."

ZuZu quirked a small smile, but I averted my gaze. My sister was too observant and had probably known for a while just how I felt about Giana. It seemed to me that ZuZu had always seemed to know things about me before I did. I suspected that was even more true after everything with Jayden. I truly didn't feel like I knew who I was anymore. I would lie awake at night, puzzling over what had become of my identity. While with Jayden, my identity was tied to his every word, action and desire. I became dehumanized and now that I was free of him, I had to wonder who I would be now. I wouldn't be the same ever again, but I wasn't so far from the me I've always been that I couldn't reclaim that. For now, it was nice to know that even if I felt like a stranger to myself, ZuZu would always know me better than I know myself. If I got lost in the eye of the storm, in the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle, she would steer me out, a compass to guide me home and anchor me to the present. ZuZu and Giana were my anchors.

Anyway, as I was saying, I averted my gaze at her smile, not wanting to be so easily read. Still, she didn't do more than ask, "What about her?"

I sighed and started fiddling with Zoe's tail again, chewing my lip. There was much to say about her, but the one thing that had been on my heart and mind was—"The other day, about a week ago, everything was perfect but then Jayden texted me."

"He what?!" ZuZu interjected, her body tense as a livewire, a bomb ready to go off.

I took my hand and wrapped it around her wrist, moving my thumb back and forth on her pulse point. "I'm okay ZuZu," I whispered. I waited for her to nod and let her take my hand and squeeze it as I continued, "Giana saw my face because I suck at hiding how I'm feeling. She tried to come closer in order to comfort me and I..." I teared up, guilt churning in my stomach over how I reacted to Giana's attempt to console me. "I fucking yelled at her to...GET AWAY FROM ME..."

ZuZu helped dry my tears but didn't say anything, letting me take a moment to collect myself enough to continue.

"I apologized to her. My reaction to her attempt to comfort me was just rotten on my part, even if I was scared in that moment."

ZuZu started rubbing my back and I relaxed a little at the familiar gesture. "Then what happened Zorro?"

I looked at ZuZu and softly replied, "She asked what he said. I don't know how she knew it was him."