Dick Grayson One-Shots { requests open }

i have writers block so this is soft shit to get me back in the zone :)

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𝗦𝗵𝗶𝗽 (𝗶𝗳 𝗮𝗻𝘆): bold of u to assume i know what i'm writing before i write it joe byron

𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 815

𝗦𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘆: random shit that won't make sense to anyone except me bc only i can understand my autistic adhd way of thinking and fuck knows this won't be canonically accurate

𝗧𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴: probably not but i have depression so maybe i'll pull some angst out of my ass

𝗥𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝘆: it is for my own personal pleasure thank yew & i am well aware i should be completing actual requests instead but im gonna be honest, y'all are lucky i'm updating at all lol 💀💀 muse for writing is 📉📉📉 rn rip us all 💀💀

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It was a running joke in the family that no one really knew just how many kids Bruce had. He adopted a few, he took in a few, he fathered a few. Overall, they estimated around ten, give or take a few that Bruce either A) didn't know about, or B) didn't tell the others about. That said, sometimes the poor, emotionally constipated man had some trouble keeping track of them all. Which ones lived with him, which ones were gay, which ones were depressed, which ones were alive. It all got jumbled together. Let's take a look at a scenario or two of this comedic gold that his children oh-so-adored.

To start with, we'll start with that one time Bruce was looking for Tim, only he forgot Tim's name and was walking around the house screaming Jason's name instead. Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Big deal. Parents do that all the time.' True. But, unfortunately for this situation, Jason was believed to be dead at the time.

"Jason!" the poor, old man stomped up the stairs to his kids' bedrooms. Someone had hacked (logged into) the Bat-Computer and compromised (changed the background to Little Lad) it's integrity. Bruce had a strong inkling of who might have done it.

"Jason! Ja-"

"Holy dementia, Batman," Dick stuck his head out of his room, staring at his father like he'd lost his mind. "What is your problem?"

Bruce bit back his anger, sighing loudly as he gritted his teeth and asked as calmly as possible, "Where's Jason?"

Dick cocked an eyebrow, "Uh-" he looked down the hallway before returning his gaze to Bruce, who was running very short on patience. "In a grave downtown? Hell? Purgatory? I don't know, man, I've never died-"

"What the fuck are you talking about, Dick?" Bruce furrowed his brow at his oldest child. He couldn't understand why Dick was looking at him with such concerned amusement. He was looking for Jason. What was so weird about that?

Dick sighed, rolling his eyes to himself. "Name us all in age order, old man."

Bruce was thoroughly confused, but decided to trust his son as this sort of thing happened more often than he would like to admit.

"Dick, Jason, Tim-"

It was around then that it clicked. He'd been walking around the house screaming his dead son's name. "Oh, fuck..."

"And there it is," Dick smirked. He giggled like a child before pointing down the hall, "You'll find the correct child you're searching for in his room at the end of the hall. His name is Tim. He's fifteen, dark hair, blue eyes, the straight of the family-"

"I got it, Richard, thank you," Bruce snapped. He huffed to himself before brushing off his humiliation and stalking off down the hall, which is the end of scenario one. Don't worry, though, scenario two is better anyway. We'll just start it at the good stuff.

"You put the wrong name on the tombstone?!"

Bruce's eyes widened, looking over at a very angry herd of Bat-Kids. He slowly returned his gaze to what was supposed to be Dick's tombstone. Instead, it read 'Tim John Grayson.' It'd be funny if not for the circumstances.

"Uh- I'll have it fixed?"

"He's being buried in half an hour!"

"Okay, I'll have it fixed quickly?"

Jason growled, turning to Tim. "I told you Alfred should've done it. Bruce did the same thing at my funeral. The only names he can remember are the names of his cars."

"I'm right here-"

"Really? You wanna do this here? Fine. I'm sorry I trusted Bruce with remembering his dead son's name. I now realize it was a grave error in judgement, but I am not at fault. You were supposed to proof-read it."

"How am I supposed to proof-read a tombstone?!"

"With your eyes, asshole!"

"Oh, no..." Steph suddenly spoke up, bringing a rare silence over the entire family, "our tombstone... it's broken..."

The Bats were too stunned to speak. At least, until Bruce furrowed his brow, looking at his youngest daughter, "It's not broken, though."

"Okay, I'm going back to the orphanage."

"Same."

"Yep, me too."

"I'll drive."

✨the end✨