Playing Cards of Heart (Saudade Series #2)

Kabanata 46

Kabanata 46

Blink

Biglang nagbago ang isip ko. Magkakape na lang pala ako. Nadaanan kasi ng sinasakyan kong jeep ang Binondo, at napukaw ang atensiyon ko nang makita ko ang The Den, isang coffee shop. O-order na lang ako ng kahit anong heavy meal bago ako mag-take ng gamot.

The ambiance of the cafe was giving me serenity when I entered the shop. It kind of sent me an aesthetic vibe, where coffee and contemporary culture intersect. The shop also served as a venue for exhibits, workshops, and other events that focus on local contemporary culture; from music and visual arts to history-centric tours.

I sat on the chair and ordered a choco hazelnut waffle and rice bowl set; I chose tofu shrooms, and my order had an iced cascara tea. It only took 20 minutes for my food to be served at my table. I had never been in here.

As my tongue tasted each food I had ordered, my forehead creased because of a thought roaming inside my head. 

355 pesos na ang lahat ng 'to? Ang sarap para sa murang presyo! 

Habang kumakain ako ay kinonnect ko ang laptop kong kalalabas lang galing sa bag. Naka-display kasi ang wi-fi password sa harap ng cashier kaya nakita ko at hindi nagdalawang-isip maki-connect.

Wala naman akong pending projects kaya naman hayahay ang buhay ko sa ngayon. Ilang buwan na ring ganito ang set up ng bawat araw ko. Iba pala talaga sa pakiramdam kapag hindi ka stressed sa trabaho, at unti-unti ka na ring nakauusad tungkol sa karanasan sa nakaraan. Iyong totoo na, at hindi na basta akala lang.

The light of weight my heart was carrying these past few weeks still felt new to me. I adjusted with the arrangement of things in my life. It was only 28-year-old when I started healing from my inner child traumas; the ones I had experienced when I became a teenager; and even when I became an adult already. 

I was still 28-year old today.

There were a lot of chances I never took. There were those risks that were not even worth doing so. There were regrets I could never undo. And on behalf of that, I had to exchange it with the growth of myself. To prove myself once more. This time, not for other people, but myself.

"Is this seat available?"

Napaangat ako ng tingin sa babaeng nakatayo sa aking harapan, kalmado ngunit napapatingin sa gilid. Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang suot niyang puting polo bilang panloob na pinatungan naman ng grey trench coat. Habang ang pang-ibaba niya naman ay black fitted jeans na ka-partner ng black chelsea boots. Hindi ko makita ang mukha nito sapagkat nakasuot siya ng itim na facemask at wayfarer. Sa kaliwa niyang kamay ay may hawak siyang cellphone at Starbucks coffee.

"Y-Yeah..." I stuttered, shocked by the beauty of the person in front of me.

Hindi ko pa nakikita nang buo ang hitsura ng tao sa harap ko pero sigurado akong maganda ito. All girls are goddess. And no one could change my mind.

"Thanks!" She immediately sat in front of me and focused on her phone.

Nagsimula nang bumalik ang mga mata ko sa aking laptop pero hindi naman matahimik ang isip ko sa babaeng kaharap ko. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako nang may maalala.

This sexuality of mine... was something Chester and my family did not know. I never told them. I am bisexual. And I'm proud of that. Was there something to be ashamed of being part of the LGBTQIA+?

"Mhm... Pampalubag-loob ba 'yan? Haha! Don't worry about me! I'll be good! What was the name of the girl again? I want to talk to her...For what? God! Isn't it obvious? I want to help! I was with you for years already! Ano'ng iisipin no'n? Babae ako, kaya alam ko."

May kausap na pala 'yong babae, hindi ko na napansin dahil natulala ako sa harap ng screen ko. Kung ano-ano na naman kasi ang pumapasok sa isip ko.

If there was one thing in this world that would always remain in my heart... that would be him. I would never regret loving Chester. But am I only fooling myself if I was still waiting for his explanation? For him, giving me the peace I deserved?